


Fear The Living More...

by LouisaHale



Series: Dark and/or Smutty Fics [1]
Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Betrayal, Broken Families, Broken Heart, Broken Promises, Cheating, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Coercion, Consent Issues, Daddy Kink, Dirty Talk, Domestic Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Forgiveness, Fratricide, Gen, Growing Up, Homophobia, Human Experimentation, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Jealousy, Manipulative Relationship, Mass Murder, Miscarriage, Misogyny, Murder, Older Man/Younger Woman, Past Child Abuse, Patricide, Physical Abuse, Polygamy, Possessive Behavior, Power Dynamics, Pregnancy Kink, Pregnant Sex, Psycho kids, Racism, Racist Language, Rape, Reconciliation, Relationship Issues, Sexism, Sexist Language, Sexual Coercion, Sexual Slavery, Sexual Violence, Surgery, Teen Pregnancy, Threats, Torture, Underage Sex, Verbal Abuse, Violence, Zombies, anti Clark family, enemy spy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 76,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26636749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouisaHale/pseuds/LouisaHale
Summary: What if Troy Otto was in charge of Broke Jaw Ranch?This fic follows my OC Helen, a girl on the cusp of womanhood trying to navigate her deadly world after the world as she knew it ended.first chapter is a warning!
Relationships: Troy Otto/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Dark and/or Smutty Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174274
Comments: 21
Kudos: 26





	1. Note

**Authors Warning/Note**

I stopped watching The Walking Dead after Beth Greene’s death (RIP Beth) but recently watched Cursed and Medici…which prompted me to need more Daniel Sharman content in my life. Started with youtube videos of Troy Otto and I got obsessed…then I had this dream…then I started watching season 3 of the show and now I have this problem on my hands.

So this fic was born from a dream and my theory of what happens when the world as we know it ends. When I watched walking dead they didn’t explore this aspect so much, but I’ve read one or two fics that are in line with my theory. When civilization falls I think we may go back to our pre-civilization nature. It becomes all about survival and family. Laws don’t apply anymore; the strongest men make the rules and make sure they are followed with violence. Women lose any equality we have now pretty quickly. Childhood wont be as worry free as it is for most. The most ruthless will rule and the rest either fall in line or die.

I don’t think men like Jeremiah Otto or Jake Otto would end up rulers of such a world. Jeremiah is old and not strong as he many have been and Jake is to much of a politician, he’s not ruthless enough.

So what if Troy Otto was in charge of Broke Jaw Ranch?

This fic follows my OC Helen, a girl on the cusp of womanhood trying to navigate the sexist, racist and deadly world after the world as she knew it ended.

It will imply underage sex (I’m not great at writing sex scenes), be heavy on the sexism, and a bit more out rightly racist than I’ve seen in the show, there will be some homophopia…oh yeah and lots of violence… But also with my LousiaHale need to pull a family together in tough times. If you noticed all my fics involve a family or a found family coming together. This family is a fucked up one by many standards but it is a family that Troy pulls together for himself. One he can control.

A lot of the themes are not my personal views and it may be triggering for a lot of you (some of it made me gag when I wrote it) so heed the tags and the Mature rating.

I hope you enjoy!

Louisa


	2. in the year before...

**_one year before the end of the world..._ **

“Happy Birthday Hel!” Javier said giving me a kiss on the cheek when I sat down next to him on the bus. “Is your family giving you a party?”

I smiled at my best friend since second grade/ secret boyfriend and glanced out the window to see my mother glaring at me. “No Javi, just dinner with Mom.”

“Bor-ring.” He huffed before waving to my mother with a sarcastic grin. “Your brother and dad have a Nazi meeting today?”

I sighed. Dad and Nate were at a gun expo this weekend. They went whenever there was one in driving distance. This one was near the border. “Just the usual gun freak convention...Dad says they’re coming for our guns so we need to stock up…I cant wait until I’m eighteen.”

I love my family but I hate the views they tried to get me to believe. It’s hard to be indoctrinated into the white power club, when all your friends are people of color so you knew all the bullshit your family was saying was fake. The bullshit didn’t work on me as well as it did on my older brother.

“And you’ll move in with me when that day comes babe.” He grinned. “But for now you’re fifteen and we have to live with our only time together being at school and on the bus…”

I grinned back and grabbed his hand before kissing him on the cheek.

That day when I got off the bus my mother informed me that she was pulling me out of school and homeschooling me. I didn’t get to see my Javi again.

* * *

My first week of homeschooling, not a lot of schooling got done. Mom and Dad were constantly in their room talking when Dad was home from work, and Nate was so excited.

They had made some friends at the gun expo.

“Helly these guys are so cool! They’re survivalists preparing for the end of the world! They did what Dad and I have always talked about! They’re ready to defend themselves and their land when the government falls and comes for our guns!” Nathan raved.

The boy was twenty, supposedly an adult, but he couldn’t think for himself at all. But now instead of parroting the words of just Mom and Dad, there was a new idol he was quoting, some guy he met named Troy.

“Just marry this Troy and get it over with big brother. You’re in love.” I teased.

“I’m not a fag, sister. You may not follow the values Mom and Dad taught but I do.” Nathan said insistently, “I know Mom had to pull you out of school because you were getting to acquainted with someone. Dad was pissed when Mom called to tell us he kissed you, and Troy overhead the whole thing…it was embarrassing.”

I looked down, pretending to be ashamed. “It was just a peck on the cheek…”

“Baby sister, you know you have to stay virtuous. What nice white boy is going to want to have you if you let a Mexican touch you?” _Breathe through the rage Helen….Breathe…_ “Dad was talking about beating your ass, before Troy suggested we come to the ranch. He said until you get out of this environment you’ll always be tempted from the right path.”

That’s why Dad hasn’t looked at me since he came home. I had prepared myself for his famous drunken beatings all weekend. I guess I have to thank this stranger?

As if!

“This is all bullshit Nathan. And you know it.”

“Its happening sister. Mom and Dad have been getting their finances in order, selling the house, and buying and RV for us to live in. Troy says we have to bring supplies too, to contribute to the community.”

“I’m not going.”

“Yes you are brat. You’re stuck with us until you’re eighteen at least.”

Shit.

* * *

**_eight months before the end of the world…_ **

We arrived at the shitshow that was Broke Jaw Ranch last week and I hated it so far. Dad only let us bring a duffel bag each of clothes and personal belongings, every other inch of space was needed for all the water, non-perishable food and gas he had purchased to buy our place.

The old man who ran the place was a dick. So naturally he and Dad got along nice. Dad got a job tending to the vehicle maintenance since he was a mechanic, Mom got a job in the infirmary since she was a nurse before she had kids, Nathan joined the militia and had his head up the leaders ass, and me I was assigned to work in the gardens. When we slept, Nate slept on the fold out table, Mom and Dad in the back of the RV and I got a shitty bunk above the cab that was barely big enough for me.

But this was home now. Until I turned eighteen and could go out on my own.

I tried to get along with the kids my age, but there weren’t a ton. They didn’t trust the new girl yet. So I sat alone at most meals. My parents had already made friends, and my brother was fitting in nicely with his militia friends.

I looked over to Nate laughing with his new friends and felt lonely. He was a dumbass but he was still my big brother, I missed spending time with him.

I didn’t notice anyone had joined me until they spoke. “You’re Natey’s little sister aren’t you?” Troy Otto said from his seat across from me.

I turned my attention to him. “Helen.” I said through gritted teeth.

He grinned at me, and I could have sworn those eyes sparked. “Troy. I don’t think I got a chance to say hello yet. Welcome! Are you enjoying your stay so far?”

“No. I hate it so far.” I said honestly, beginning to pick at my dinner.

“That’s ok. You’ll find your place here soon.” He said, turning his attention to his own meal. “So I heard you were dating outside of your own kind… why is that Helen?”

I laughed. “I fell in love with my best friend. Skin color doesn’t matter when it comes to love. And we never got farther than pecks on the cheek. One thing that did get through to me of my parents teachings is that anything more is for my husband.”

His laugh boomed around the eating area. “Beautiful.” He said with a manic smile.

“Did my brother send you over to interrogate me? Make sure I’m not carrying a ‘half-breed’ baby as he so eloquently puts it?”

“No sweetheart. I’m just getting to know a pretty lady. Is that a crime?”

I cringed. “You have got to be at least ten years older than me Troy. I’m not interested.”

He laughed again. But didn’t respond. Just smiled and ate.

It was to unsettling. So I left my tray at the table and ran.

* * *

**_six months before the end of the world…_ **

It was mandatory that everyone practiced shooting on the ranch, I had just avoided it so long because every time I went to practice, fucking Troy was there. But his older brother was back form the city today for a visit so I knew he’d be distracted this evening.

I got lost in thought as I was shooting. It was just me and the target. So when arms encircled me I was surprised. I almost dropped the gun. The hands grabbed it from me before I could and put on the safety.

“And here I thought you couldn’t shoot a gun.” Troy said

“Are you insane? You don’t come up behind someone firing a weapon!”

Troy just shrugged. “What do you want to do with your life?”

I glared at him. “Leave this place. Find Javier. We had plans. Marriage. Kids. All of it.”

Troy rolled his eyes. “My whole life has always been this place. I don’t understand ever wanting to leave. My brother is like you too, big dreams of life beyond the ranch. Its stupid. Everything we need is here.”

“Well not everything I need.” I sighed.

“Helen! Bible study!” Gretchen called. Thankfully some of the teens had warmed up to me since my arrival. They were nice kids. Not many of them bought into their parents bull and they used what they called ‘bible study’ as a way to escape the ranch. This would be my third time attending their weekly meetings.

“Coming!” I yelled before turning to Troy. “Since you took that from me would you mind terribly returning it to the armory? The lord waits.”

Troy laughed at me as I ran towards Gretchen and my new group of friends.

* * *

**_three months before the end of the world…_ **

The longer I lived at the ranch, the more rumors I heard about Troy and the more violence I saw from him. He would beat his men for any disobeying of his orders; I also heard that he was itching for the end of the world so he could kill a human. He relished hunting and sometimes he would kill animals that no one would eat. The rumor was he was the reason there were no animals at the ranch besides the hunting dogs and the livestock. Apparently he liked to torture and kill those weaker then him.

As if I needed any more reason to want to stay away from him.

Luckily sitting with my friends at meals and my work in the fields kept him away since our encounter at the gun range. But today I wasn’t so lucky in avoiding a psycho. It just turns out I had been worried about the wrong psycho.

I had stayed out late with my friends and came home tipsy from the moonshine. Dad was pissed I would stay out so late, and he had been drinking. Nate had been on patrol and Mom was no match for him. He beat the shit out of me until I was unconscious.

When I woke up I was in the infirmary, Mom was crying in a chair next to me. “I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry.” She said.

I didn’t blame her. She got the worst of it from Dad. Nate and I only got it occasionally. “It’s okay Mom.”

“I told the Ottos. It’s against community rules to hurt women and children this badly. Jeremiah said that your Dad would be handled.”

Troy came running into the infirmary with bloody hands. “He wont be laying a hand on any of you anymore. He’s been moved to a tent.”

I glanced at his hands, knowing that my Dad should probably be in the infirmary too after a visit from Troy. “Thank you.” I rasped out.

“You’re welcome sweetheart.” He grinned before turning to my mom. “Ms. Lauren, would you mind patching me up?”

Mom wiped her tears and nodded. “Get some rest Helen.” She said before she went to tend to Troy.

Troy might be a psycho, but at least for now he was a psycho who liked me. And at least he made sure my Dad got the message not to hurt me or Mom anymore.

* * *

**_one month before the end of the world…_ **

After finally being released from the infirmary, I moved into the backroom of the RV to share the bed with Mom. Since Dad was kicked out we had become closer, I started to understand her more. I still didn’t agree with all of her views, but I loved her, and she was really blossoming away from Dad.

The community of Broke Jaw had shunned Dad. Slapping your wife and kids around now and then was fine with them but beating a child so badly she is in the infirmary for a month and still had bruises? That was unacceptable to them. Mom, Nate and I were still embraced but Dad was on his own.

Not that he could move out of his tent much on his own until today. People had to bring him meals.

I got a sick satisfaction from seeing the still healing bruises and his limping form as Dad made his way to dinner. The sight made me get up from my seat with Mom and Nate and walk over to the table where Troy was holding court with his closest militia buddies.

“Hey sweetheart.” Troy said when I stood next to him.

I didn’t say anything; I just bent down and kissed his cheek.

“What’s that for?” He said, eyes shining and smile big.

I pointed to Dad, limping through the line to get his meal.

“Anytime baby. It was really my pleasure.” he winked.

I ran away before he could clock that I was blushing.

* * *

**_the day after the world ended…_ **

My sixteenth birthday was spent listening to radio news as they updated what was going on in the outside world. They had thought for weeks it was a flu strain, but now the dead were rising.

Fucking zombies were real now. And everyone was terrified.

Many people had hoped it was a hoax, just another route of government control, but in the ranch meeting yesterday Jeremiah said that his son Jake had seen it happen with his own eyes and was currently fighting his way out of Los Angeles with his neighbor. He said the city was in chaos, the dead were eating the living and the government had no control.

Our community was on its own.

This morning another community meeting was called, and everyone shuffled into the meeting place still in shock. Troy led the meeting today, which was odd…where was Jeremiah?

“Last night, my father shot himself in the head.” Troy announced. “He left a note saying that he couldn’t lead this community through the dead walking. He wasn’t prepared. He took the cowards way out. I’m in charge now.”

Gasps ran out through the tent. But my blood ran cold.

Troy was in change. I was willing to bet he killed his father to get power. Fuck.

The only person dumb enough to voice his thoughts was my father, who jumped out of his seat and went running towards Troy. “You probably killed him boy. Jeremiah was waiting for this day!”

My father made it halfway down the aisle way before there was a bullet between his eyes. The entire community was silent and all stared at Troy who held the gun that killed my father.

“Anyone else have objection to me running things?” he asked.

Everyone was silent.

“Great! I think I made it clear that my word is law. Follow me and survive. Simple. I’ll protect this community. Now in the next few days I’ll be coming up with some new rules. But there wont be to many changes. Mostly based on security.”

Everyone remained silent.

“Alright. Now everyone go about your days, except for the relatives of this sad sack.” He said pointing to my Dad’s dead body.

Oh no. Was he going to kill us too?

Mom, Nate and I made our way towards Troy.

“You see. I’m already lonely in my house. And Jake wont arrive back for awhile…if he does. I think you should all move in with me. Be my new family.”

We all looked at him in shock but he continued. “With your permission Natey…you’ll my brother in law, Lauren will be my Mom and Helen here will be my little wife. I’d like you all to become Ottos though, that’s my only condition. I’ll protect all of you.”

I looked at Nathan, who was glancing back at Dad’s body. Nate was a dumbass, but he was smart enough to know the situation we were in. Troy wasn’t asking. He was telling. He would kill to get what he wanted. Nate also knew he wasn’t strong enough to protect Mom and I on his own if we left the ranch. But he looked in pain. What twenty one year old wanted to sell his sixteen-year-old sister to a twenty seven year old for his family’s survival?

Day one and this world was already darker than the one we had lived in.

“I’ll do it.” I said, taking the decision out of Nathan’s hands. “As long as Nate and Mom are safe too I’ll marry you.”

Troy’s eyes practically sparkled. “And since one of my new laws is that all marriages and divorces are approved by me…I now pronounce us husband and wife.” He said before bending down to kiss me.

My first kiss was pretty nice once I put the fact he murdered my father out of my mind.

Troy broke the kiss and held out his hand. I looked at it.

“I’d rather not drag you to breakfast by your braid baby.” He said.

I quickly took his hand and he led us to breakfast. “I have an announcement everyone! I’d like you to meet my wife Helen Otto, my mother-in-law Lauren Otto and my baby brother-in-law Nathan Otto.”

Everyone clapped for him and went to get our breakfast; Troy only let go of my hand to grab a tray.

When we sat down at a table he spoke again. “After breakfast Nate and I have patrol. Mom, you and Helen are excused from duties so you can move everyone’s things in. Nate you can take my old room, I moved my things out of it last night. Mom there’s a room next to my old one you can use it was Jakey’s before he built his own place. I was building myself a cabin not to far from Jake’s…maybe we can fix it up for Natey if we find some building materials. Dearest wife, I was only able to move my dad’s shit out and mine in last night so if you wouldn’t mind putting my stuff away when you move in? And changing the sheets they smell like old man.”

“Yes Troy.” We all said.

“Beautiful!”


	3. after the world ended...

**_the day after the world ended…_ **

Mom and I were to freaked out to say a word most of the day. We drove the RV behind the big house in silence, placed Nate’s and Mom’s things in the rooms we were told to and changed the sheets in the master bedroom before either of us said a word.

“Mommy, I’m scared.” I said

She was still crying herself. “I know baby. But I don’t know how to protect you.”

I nodded. “Can you…can you tell me what to expect? He’s going to want sex right?”

She nodded. “I always said I give you the talk on your wedding day, I just never thought it would come this soon.”

So my mother spent the next hour explaining sex to me. It helped, at least I knew what to expect.

We then set to work putting Troy’s belongings away. Which took awhile as he had a lot of stuff. When we finally got started on my duffel bag it only took minutes, as what I had only filled one drawer. We then noticed the time, it was way past lunch, very near the evening meal and Nate’s patrol would be ending soon.

When Nate arrived he hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry sis.”

“As long as we are all safe, I’m ok.” I said willing myself not to cry again.

“We saw one of those dead things on watch today. Troy killed it. Its crazy this is happening.” Nate said. “He is doubling patrols and saying that any guy older than sixteen and younger than fifty has to train to be apart of the militia.”

I nodded, it made sense, but that did mean the women and older men would have to take over more of the chores to keep the ranch running.

“We’re also planning runs to the nearest towns to raid the stores for food, fuel, clothes, toiletries and building supplies. Troy wants to make the fence more secure too. He wants the married couples to feel safe enough to continue to have kids, to keep our population up.”

“Nathan.” Mom said firmly, “Shut up.”

Yeah, the mention of kids was where he lost me too…

“None of us get much say in what we do now.” I reassured her. “If he wants kids he’ll get them. He’s the head of the family and head of the ranch. His word is law.”

“I’m glad you see it my way Helen.” Troy said entering the home in his uniform. “Mom, Natey, we wont be joining you for dinner tonight, I asked Gretchen to bring a couple trays up for the wife and I.”

Mom and Nate left the house recognizing the dismissal.

Troy held out his hand and I took it not wanting him to make good on his threat to drag me around by my hair. I wouldn’t braid it tomorrow, just so he didn’t get any ideas.

We went to our room and he dropped my hand and began to shed his uniform. I immediately covered my eyes as soon as he began to strip. I heard him opening drawers and shuffling around.

“What do we have here….” He said and I opened my eyes, to find him dressed and thumbing through my journal.

“No please.” I said making my way to him to try to grab it. I didn’t write in it, I mostly doodled, but I hid photos in its pages. Most were pictures of my family when I was younger, pretty innocuous, but there was one I was afraid of him seeing.

He was keeping me away pretty easily but I could tell when he saw the photo of Javier and I at our freshman homecoming dance. His teasing face got emotionless. His eyes lost all sparkle. I was always wary of Troy, maybe at times a little afraid, but when he turned to look at me I was terrified.

“Is this the Mexican you wanted a future with? You wanted to be his wife? Have his kids?” He said quietly.

I nodded. Not bothering to correct him that Javier was American. It wouldn’t have mattered.

“Were you going to think about him while you were under me tonight?” He said stalking his way toward me.

“No Troy…” I said as he finally backed me into the corner of the room and pinned me.

He towered over me; I had to crane my head to look up at him.

“Let’s get this straight sweetheart. You’re mine. You don’t look at other men let alone think about one. Got it? No one will be touching you but me for the rest of your days.” He said as he put his hand around my throat. “I can be a good husband or I can be a brutal one…its your choice baby, I’ll have you either way.”

“Please, don’t be like my Dad was to Mom. Please.” I begged.

He removed his hand. “Fine. But if you stray from me even in your thoughts I will kill Nate or Mom and whoever you strayed with. And I’ll make you watch.”

“I’ll be faithful. I promise.” I said crying.

He wiped my tears and then kissed me.

When he broke the kiss his coldness was gone, he took the photo of Javi and I and put it in his pocket.

“You should get cleaned up for dinner. I have a few things I need to see to and now I have a picture to burn. Wear something nice… There might still be some old dresses of my mom’s in the closest. Help yourself.” He said, kissing the crown of my head and heading out of the room whistling.

* * *

“That was better than I imagined it being.” Troy said as he pulled out of me and rolled to the other side of the bed before pulling me to lye on top of him. “How was it for you baby?”

“It hurt…but Mom said it would…I liked the before part.” I said honestly.

We ate dinner in silence when he came home and he had led me straight to our room. The sun was setting now and I buried myself in my husbands chest.

There was no undoing it now. I was a married woman. Married to a violent psycho but still married. And the things he did with his tongue and fingers before he put himself inside of me made me feel wonderful.

Troy chuckled. “I’m glad. I tried to make sure you were ready for me. See I’m not a bad person.”

“I never said you were.”

He ran his fingers through my hair. “Sometimes you glare at me with those big green eyes and I feel like the worst man on earth.”

“Sometimes I hate you. But you’re my man now.”

“You’ll learn to love me.” He said confidently, before kissing me again and maneuvering me so he could get out of bed to run to the bathroom.

The returned with a wet cloth a bottle of pain reliever and some water. He handed me the pain reliever and water. “Take this for the soreness.” He said before taking the cloth and cleaning my privates with it.

When I was clean, he pulled back the covers and handed me his t-shirt that he discarded earlier. “Get some rest. I’ll be back later. I’ve got a mission tonight.”

I looked at him confused, but put on the shirt and hopped under the blankets. As he covered me up I asked. “What are you going to do?”

“A few of the guys and I are going to pay a visit to the Indian Reservation. They think this land is theirs and we have been battling in court over it for years. Now there are no courts. We have to get them before they get us.”

“Get them?”

“I’m going to kill them all. Men, women and children. Make sure no one survives to come back and hurt our home.”

I closed my eyes and sighed.

“It’s a kill or be killed world Helen.” He said excusing himself.

I nodded. “I understand.”

I didn’t. Why murder innocent people? They hadn’t done anything to us. They probably never would. But I knew auguring with him would do no good. And I did feel kind of cheep that he couldn’t stay the night with me after taking my virginity. But that wasn’t the kind of blood Troy wanted.

How was I going to survive being married to a monster?

I watched him dress in his uniform and get his gear on. He leaned over to kiss me and walked away.

As soon as I heard the door to the house shut I ran to the bathroom and vomited.

* * *

**_two days after the world ended…_ **

He returned in the early hours in the morning, the sun was starting to rise. I smelled the blood before I heard him enter the room. He made his way to the bathroom and showered, as this was one of the only cabins with plumbing, and as soon as I heard the shower turn on I jumped out of bed and got dressed quickly, making my way to the kitchens it was my turn to help with breakfast.

After breakfast I shirked my duties. I couldn’t deal with everyone’s stares. They looked afraid of me now.

So I hid in our old RV all day. Fucking coward.

It took hours for anyone to find me. It was well after lunch when Troy finally stood over the bed of the RV glaring down at me.

“Missed you at lunch. What are you pouting about?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Nothing. I just needed some space.”

“Those people had to die.” He said

Me, the horrible bitch I was, didn’t really want to think about those poor souls on the reservation. “Its not that.”

“Talk to me.” He ordered.

“They look at me differently now. It was uncomfortable… and…”

“And…”

“You left me last night. Our wedding night. My first time being close to you and you just left. That made me feel cheap.”

“There it is.” He said leaning down to kiss me. “I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re my wife not some girl I picked up in a bar and rented a room for an hour with…you deserved better.”

“I did.” I said with conviction.

“I’ll be better tonight. And every night after. I promise.”

“Thank you.”

He held his hand out and helped me up. “I have to organize teams to go on these supply runs in the next few days, but I’ll see you at dinner and then I’ll be spending all evening with you. I promise I wont be leaving the ranch for awhile.”

* * *

**_two weeks after the world ended…_ **

I woke up to the sound of a walkie. ‘ _Boss Man. Four making their way to us on foot.’_

I heard Troy groan and grab for the walkie. “I’m on my way.” He said before slipping out of bed and getting dressed. I did the same. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Going with you.”

“No. Get your ass back in bed.”

I did. And he left.

As soon as he was gone I continued getting dressed and made my way outside and down to the gate.

I found Troy and some of his men talking to four newcomers. Two men and two boys from the look of it. As soon as he signaled for the gate to be opened the boys took off their hoods and hats revealing long red hair. Young women that hid their identity on the road.

Troy embraced the younger man, when I got nearer I saw it was his brother. The older man looked around warily, paying particular attention to the men nearest the girls. Father perhaps?

When I arrived at the group I noticed that the girls were in rough shape, their faces were bruised and a little bloody and the smaller one was limping. “Troy, can I take them to the infirmary?” I asked.

He turned to glare at me. “Yes. Get them a change of clothes and some stuff to wash up after too. After theyre sorted bring them up to the house. Provided you can magically follow instructions again.”

I nodded and held out my hand to the girls, who I found were named Macy and Mara. They were fraternal twin sisters and eighteen. By the time we arrived at the infirmary I learned that they were travelling with their father Martin who had just retired from the Marine Corps and Jake had been their neighbor in LA. They asked me if it was safe here, told me that the city had been hell and the journey here had been worse, and the dead were a walk in the park compared to those that lived.

“There was a couple gangs of men that wanted to trade supplies for time with us.” Macy said in tears “Daddy and Jake wouldn’t allow it, most just let it go. But one group tried to kill them and take us a few days ago. Daddy and Jake had to kill them to save us.”

“It’s scary out there.” Mara, the smaller twin said. “Daddy even had us cover our hair after the first time but as soon as they got close enough they could tell we were female. It’s like the worlds gone crazy.”

“It’s a little better here.” I said honestly, “Most women older than sixteen have been married off. Troy said its so every man knows who he’s responsible to protect if the ranch falls. No ones allowed to hit their women and children enough to put them in the infirmary. That’s a capital crime now. He says that women are a resource as precious as ammo and fuel now and need to be protected.”

They were quiet until the medics finished treating their injuries. As we walked to the pantry to get them clothing and shower supplies they spoke. “So we will probably be married off today…Is your husband good to you?” Mara asked.

“He is ok. Scary sometimes…” I said honestly, “But I know that he’ll protect me.”

“Daddy will have a hard time marrying us off.” Macy said.

“No one says no to Troy.” I told them. “It’s obey him or be punished.”

“But you disobeyed him this morning.” Macy said

“And I’ll be punished.” I said sadly, “I suspect he’ll take it out on my mom or brother…”

They were quiet as they cleaned up and changed. We then went to get clothes and toiletries for Jake and their dad and made their way to the big house.

We found Nate and Mom in the main room with Troy, Jake and Martin. “There you are girls!” Troy said, “I have happy news! Macy and Jakey, Mara and Natey and Mom and Marty are now married. Isn’t it great? One big Otto family. Nate’s going to move into Jakes place so the sisters can be close at least until the cabin’s finished. Mom and Marty are going to move into the RV!”

I knew Mom never wanted to remarry, she was afraid of getting someone like Dad, luckily she had escaped being married off because all the single guys had been in their twenties and thirties. She knew she couldn’t escape it for long. Nate hadn’t been ‘tough enough’ for a wife, according to Troy. But all of a sudden he changed his mind.

He was separating me from my mom and brother as punishment for this morning.

I sized Jake Otto up in that moment. Maybe he could bring some sense to all this? Maybe he could control Troy and step up and lead the ranch? But he looked haunted, he looked weakened. Whatever he had to do on the road was weighing on him. He was probably the better Otto brother in many ways, but this community needed a leader with little remorse to protect it if the outside world was going to shit.

“That’s great Troy.” I said with my fakest smile handing Jake and Martin the clothing and bathing products I retrieved for them. “Be good to my Mom please.” I begged Martin.

“I promise I’ll treat her like a queen.” The man said. I believed his words, but I’d be watching him.

* * *

**_two months after the world ended…_ **

Troy had finally trusted the trio of Jake, Martin and Nate to run the ranch in his absence. After weeks of testing he was sure they’d make sure that everyone obeyed his rules and would protect the ranch.

He had been itching to get out in the world.

The was a military base a days ride away from the ranch and Troy decided he wanted to see what supplies he could get from it, and see if it would make a good secondary location if the ranch got overrun. He was taking a crew of twenty with him but still leaving plenty of trained men behind to keep everyone safe.

“I’ll be gone a week.” He said that morning before kissing me goodbye. “Listen to Jake while I’m gone, and keep an eye on things for me. I’m worried Jake wont tell me everything that happens.”

I nodded. “Be safe.” I told him, meaning it. I didn’t love Troy but I knew in this new world the devil you know is safe than the devil you don’t.

He grinned. “Of course.”

I watched at they loaded up in their trucks and drove off. Troy’s annoying ass music blaring from his truck which was leading the pack.

All the family’s saying goodbye dissipated except for mine. “I have something to tell you guys.” I said

“What’s wrong baby?” Mom asked as she held Marty’s hand. They warmed up to each other pretty quickly, and he did treat her well. Nate and Jake treated Mara and Macy just as well.

We had all grown close since their arrival. Everyone else respected Troy but gave us all a wide berth since we were his family. They were friendly, but all were afraid to be to friendly, not wanting to offend Troy. The last time I hung out with Gretchen and the others was a week after my wedding, when Troy found out what ‘bible study’ really meant he beat the guys, married off the girls and made a law that alcohol was only to be used in the infirmary to clean wounds and numb pain.

“I think…I think I’m late.” I said.

They all gasped. Everyone was terrified of getting pregnant in this new world. Most men were pulling out of their wives but Troy didn’t. There wasn’t the medical care or assured safety in this world…who wanted to bring a baby into that?

“We have tests in the infirmary.” Mom said, “I’ll bring one up after my shift.”

“Thanks Mom.”

They all took turns hugging me and went off to see to their duties, until it was only Jake and myself.

“It’s going to be okay sister.” He said.

I nodded. “I didn’t want to tell him, he’s been so excited about this trip.”

“And we have all been excited to see him go.” He said honestly, “he was being a little to violent with the people. He needed to let off some steam.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Helen, I’ve been meaning to ask you…Did he tell you that he killed my Dad?” Jake asked.

“No.” Lie. He admitted it to me a few weeks ago. But Jake could never know. I knew Jake couldn’t lead but I also felt the need to protect my husband and the probable father of my child.

“But he has killed…”

“Yes. To protect the community.” I said, “He promised he’d only ever do it to protect us.”

Jake sighed, looking pained. “Do you think he enjoys it?”

I started to cry and nodded. “He never breaks his promises.” Was my response.

“I guess that will have to be good enough for now.”

* * *

Troy returned a little over a week later happy. “I started experimenting with the infected. I’m going to figure out how we spoil. And I’m going to figure out how to protect us from them.”

“Troy I have something to tell you…”

He was changing his uniform, but ignored me. “We figured out that everyone turns when they die. I think once I do more experiments I can figure out how long people have to say goodbye before they have to kill their resurrected family members. They dead stay away from dead things so that’s a way we can protect the property. I think we learned a lot, and we got some fuel and military equipment too. There's plenty more stuff there. I think we can go back in a month and continue my work.”

“Troy!” I said raising my voice to him for the first time ever.

He turned to me with an eyebrow raised. More amused than angry that I raised my voice. “Yes dear?”

“Something happened while you were gone. Its important.” I said.

His face hardened, “Who do I have to kill…did someone hurt you? Break the rules? Did someone touch you?”

“No! No! Nothing like that.” I said stepping in front of him before he ran out the door. “I think you’ll like this news…I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.”

His features softened and he picked me up. “Good girl! I’m so proud of you.” He said hugging me tight. “If it’s a boy we’ll name him Jacob. In honor of his uncle.”

“I thought Jake’s name was short for Jeremiah Jr?” I asked.

“Yeah, but who wants to name their kid after their abusive Dad?” he said before letting his palm drift towards my stomach. “I’ll raise him right, he’ll grow up to be a survivor. But I wont hurt him like our father’s did to us. I promise.”

“And if we have a girl?”

“Same promise.” He said before kissing me.

* * *

**_eight months after the world ended…_ **

Troy left every month for a week to do his research at the base. I made the mistake of reading what he documented during his time there. It made me sick, I promised never to read it again. It was bad enough knowing he did the things he did, but it was sickening reading what he did to those people.

I felt sorry for the souls that crossed my husband’s path out there; he rarely showed mercy on anyone. Only a few ended up being ‘the right fit’ for the community these past few months. But I had a hard time believing only a few healthy young white women and men survived the apocalypse. I don’t know what these people had to do for Troy to spare them, I know he killed what he called ‘our kind’ too, he wanted to know how race affected resurrection…but I didn’t ask.

I noticed that he never brought kids back with him either. And that chilled me. There had to have been families out there. Could he really justify killing a child for ‘science’ or for his bigoted views?

Apparently yes.

Troy and his men had been late coming home. Jake had taken the helicopter with Mike’s wife Charlene (one of the few women allowed to serve in a limited capacity in the militia) to check on them. They returned in the evening with three strangers, one badly injured, and two I knew would not have been chosen by Troy to join us.

Jake locked the two able bodied ones in a cabin, and chained the sick one to an infirmary bed. Before he came to find me.

“Something went down at the base. This lady stabbed Troy and took him hostage to get her family safe.” Jake said, “I arrived in time to talk her down, he’ll be fine but he’s going to be pissed.”

Shit.

Troy would be back by the morning with his assailant and another member of her family. And I didn’t know if I could keep all of these people alive.

It turns out I couldn’t. When he returned Troy ordered the woman to be locked up with her daughter and told his men to bring her man and the woman in the infirmary to him. He told the woman as she was being dragged away, that what was happening next was her fault for what she did to his eye.

His eye looked bad, but I didn’t think that those three people deserved to lose their lives for it. His eye would heal.

“Time it.” He ordered his men after he killed the last of the three people. “Then add them to the force field.”

So that’s why he didn’t have them killed on the way here. Hard to time a turn in a helio or truck… sick fuck.

He yelled on the radio for Mom, to let her know he needed her to tend to his eye. She was the only one in the infirmary he trusted to treat him.

What did he have planned for the two women?

* * *

Apparently he wanted the women to join the community. Did he really expect them to fall in line? He liked Madison. And thought her daughter being alive would be enough for her to forget the deaths of the rest of her family…

I could see the blonde surveying everyone, looking for weakness, something to exploit and gain control. When she interacted with Troy, she tried to get in his head, manipulate him. And it was working.The more she dug her claws in, the more he pulled away from me. I needed my husband. I was a little over eight months pregnant with his child and he couldn’t even be bothered to be near me. I needed him at his best to protect my child, myself and our home. All he could think about was his mental warfare with Madison.

One morning I woke with a knife digging into my throat and another starting to stab into my stomach. I looked to see Madison enraged standing over me. “He killed my family. I’m going to kill his.”

No way in hell was this bitch killing my child or me. This was the Otto house. Did she really think we didn’t have firearms hidden in every room? It was the one thing Troy and I didn’t change when we rid the whole house of his father’s shit.

I pulled the handgun from under Troy’s pillow. The safety was off and I had fired before she finished telling me her plan. I only got her in the shoulder, but it was good enough to stop the stabbing. I grabbed the sheet and pulled it to my stomach to stop the bleeding. The cut wasn’t deep but it was bleeding a lot. The wound on my throat was pretty superficial.

I shot again, this time getting the bitch in her stomach and grabbed for my radio on the nightstand. _“Helen of Troy to Medical. I’ve been stabbed in my bed. Helen of Troy to Militia I shot the bitch but she’s alive.”_

Medical arrived in two minutes, my mother leading them. By that time the bed was soaked. “Her water broke.” Mom said panicked. “The stress may have caused an early labor.”

Troy, Jake, Nate and Martin entered with a few other Militia men. Troy looked at the struggling Madison in disgust and made his way to me. “Good job baby, give me the gun.”

I gave him the gun and he shot Madison in the heart. She died instantly. “Coop, Mike, time it and put her down. Leave her with her family. Nate and Marty go take care of her daughter for me. Jake let the community know what has happened.”

I screamed as the first contraction hit me. “Its to early!” I said panicked and started to cry

“Its okay Helen. You’re going to be okay.” Troy said

I glared at him. “What do you care? You were pushing me out for her!” I yelled, “You were supposed to protect us and left us vulnerable because she got you hot and bothered. You go on about me cheating on you and I know what you wanted her for Troy! It was you who chased me! I didn’t ask for any of this! And I definitely didn’t ask to be set aside for some old crazy bitch!”

“Baby I…” he started

“Get out! If I die during this I don’t want the last person I see to be you! And Mom and Marty will raise my kid, you don’t get to touch them, you didn’t care about them enough to protect them Troy! I had to do it myself.”

He left. I didn’t bother looking at his face. I knew if I lived I might be punished for talking to him like that but I was so mad, so scared, so hurt I didn’t care. I really believed him when he said he’d take care of me, I really bought it and put up with all his psycho ways. But if I was going to die during and early birth then I was going to let him have it.

* * *

Jacob Otto was born after twelve hours of labor. I didn’t bother with a middle name because was what was the point in this world? Mom and the other medics got my son and I through the labor alive and healthy. Then cleaned us up and changed out bedding for us.

Troy returned after everyone left. “I’m going to let the attitude you took with me earlier go unpunished.” He said, “I broke my promise to keep you safe and let that woman mess with my head and drive me away from what was important. You were right. But don’t you ever talk to me like that again Helen or I will go back on the promise I made on our wedding night and beat the disrespect out of you.”

I nodded. I had gotten off easy. “Would you like to hold our son?” I asked him.

He smiled and sat down next to me on the bed. “Hey little man, I’m Dad.”


	4. accepting the new world...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heed the tags and AN in the beginning of this fic, it only gets more fucked up...
> 
> Helen tries to adjust to the new world, Troy makes it difficult.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm ace/demi-sexual and i'm not great at sex scenes. And I usually avoid them in fic. But I felt like trying for this couple. lmk how bad?
> 
> i hope you like. it felt like the last chapter wasn't an ending and i had more to say with these characters.
> 
> hope you enjoy, please heed the AN at the beginning of this fic and the tags
> 
> now i need to find therapy because i'm a bit disturbed this fic came from my mind. These characters are living rent free in my brain.

3: accepting the new world…

**_ten months after the world ended…_ **

The medics cleared me to return to work. Since Jacob was born, I hadn’t been allowed work or have sex until I healed.

Troy wasn’t to happy about that.

But when I returned to the gardens today, Ana (the woman in charge of what we plant, what we store and what we harvest to eat) said that I wasn’t needed, she had enough help. But then she pulled me aside to talk to me and gave me an idea.

Some of the women in the community were going through tough times but they were afraid to ask Troy for help…they needed a woman to talk to. They needed a Leader. I was failing my community by not stepping up and being there for them, and I was failing my husband by not being a supportive wife.

Yes, I was still pissed at him for the Madison situation, but I did care about him. I looked at the baby strapped to my chest and thought that this little one deserved a mother that was strong and made his community secure. Deserved a mother that got along with his father.

I went home and put Jacob down for a nap, then went to find my husband. I found him in the main room at the desk looking over maps and writing in his journal.

“Troy, can we talk?” I asked, sitting in a chair in front of the desk.

Troy looked surprised; I had been avoiding talking to him unless it was about our child.

“I realized something today. I haven’t been a good wife to you… I should be doing more to support your leadership. I should be by your side helping you lead.”

Troy smirked. “Not that I object to you being by my side but how do you think you can help me lead…you’re a woman Helen.”

I rolled my eyes. “There are women in this community that need help and are to afraid to approach you. Women with husbands beating them until they miscarry, women with husbands that want to leave the community against their wives wishes, women worried about getting their duties done and still being able to educate and care for their children. Women are a large part of the community and they need someone to help solve their problems or present their problem to you so you can solve it.”

Troy thought for a moment. “You’re right Helen. I’ll authorize you to solve the concerns of the women of the community. I’ll also make a law that will allow women to appeal for divorce with cause and allow them to remarry. I will handle all marital issues, you can handle the childcare issue and any others that do not involve a community member in danger. I’ll announce it at the community meeting after dinner.”

“Thank you Troy.” I said, “Is it okay if I turn Russell and Martha’s old home into a schoolhouse and daycare?”

He nodded. “Yes. That’s a good idea. I’ll have the militia start fixing it up when they aren’t on duty.” The militia fixed and built things that were needed when not on duty

“Thank you.” I said. “I don’t know the names of the women that were beaten to miscarry yet but I know that Charlene is having a problem with Mike.”

Troy glared. “I married her to Mike because I knew he’d be good to her. She’s like a sister to me. I wanted her protected.”

“He’s not beating her… he and his father are uncomfortable with your rule. They want to leave. Charlene doesn’t. This is her home. They plan on taking Gretchen from Jimmy and leaving.”

Troy slammed his hand on the desk. “No one is allowed to leave the community.”

“The Trimbols plan to.”

Troy grabbed his walkie and called to have the Trimbol family, Jimmy and Gretchen to be brought to the big house. “Thank you for telling me this information.” He said to me before they arrived.

Coop, Nate and Ben brought in the family and went to leave. “Coop, I need you to stay.” Troy ordered

“So I hear some of you want to leave the community.” Troy said, voice cold.

“I don’t.” Jimmy, Gretchen and Charlene chorused.

“Well then. Charlene I’m sorry I made such a bad marriage for you…” Troy said “You and Mike are now divorced. You are now married to Coop. Coop you may kiss your bride and move her into your cabin.”

Charlene made her way to Coop and they shared a quick kiss before leaving. She didn’t look back at the Trimbol family.

“Jimmy, Gretchen, thank you for your loyalty to this community.” He said, “Gretchen, say your goodbyes to your family. They leave today.”

Gretchen started to cry; she knew he wasn’t going to let them go easily, and that she would never see her family again. But she said goodbye and her husband led her away. I understood her pain. She was pregnant, there was no way she wanted to go out into the unknown with a baby on the way, but she didn’t want to lose her family.

“Mike, we are friends. If something was making you unhappy you should of said…” Troy said, his voice still cold.

“You are a dictator now Troy. You don’t listen to advice of the remaining founding fathers…and then their are your sick experiments. It’s to much Troy. We have to leave.” Mike said, not looking Troy in the eyes.

Troy turned to Vernon “You know, my father said that he should have put me down when I killed my first rabbit… he wanted to put me down that night the world ended, he said he couldn’t control me without Jake around. He couldn’t see I was made for this world. I killed him before he could kill be, this ranch’s best protector.” The Trimbol’s gasped. But Troy continued. “I’ll let you leave. With the clothes on your back and a days supply of water each. I can’t give you more than that because of the drought. You can waste in the desert, I wont waste a bullet on killing you.

Troy called Nate back, and told him the Trimbols were allowed to have, and told him to make sure they left within the hour.

When everyone was gone Troy sighed.

“You’re going to kill them tonight…aren’t you?” I asked.

He grinned at me. “You know me so well! They aren’t a part of the community anymore. It’s a dangerous world out there anything could happen.”

I sighed.

“Take your top off.” He commanded. I rolled my eyes and did as I was told. He didn’t allow me to wear underwear so I was bare-chested in shorts in front of him. “Daddy needs his girl to suck him off. All these thoughts of murder are turning him on.” Troy said.

I made my way to the desk and got on my knees. I mastered the blowjob during pregnancy when I was to sore or felt to ugly to be fucked. I had my husband finishing in my mouth quickly.

As he was in his post orgasmic haze I realized if Madison could manipulate my husband, I could too. I was his wife; I knew how he ticked. I could make life better on the ranch for women by just being a present wife… he had an affection for me (or an obsession) I could use it to my advantage.

I buttoned up his pants and sat on his lap. “You know I got the all clear today to fuck?”

Troy groaned, “You know I love it when you say dirty words…” he said kissing my neck. “I want to bend you over this desk and fuck another baby into you.”

I laughed, “That will have to wait my love. I have to go feed our son…” I said getting off his lap. “But after dinner I’m all yours.”

I did have a strong liking for Troy, an affection. It wasn’t warm and cuddly like my feelings for Javier were. My feelings for my monster of a husband were primal, burning, consuming. I figured the word love would endear me to him. Make him soft. Maybe if I say it enough he can learn to love our children and me.

He smiled. “You’re always all mine Helen. I have a mission tonight. But I expect you ready and willing when I come home... Or better yet you could come with me.”

I nodded, and was bothered that the fact that I didn’t mind the idea of him fucking me after he murdered the Trimbols. But I definitely objected to the idea of being there when he killed them. I understood though he couldn’t exactly take anyone else on this mission with him. If my husband needed me to watch him back as he murdered his former friend and his former friends parents, then I would.

This marriage was certainly changing me.

“I’ll go, but please don’t make me kill them.” I begged.

“Of course not baby. You’ll stay by the truck and make sure no infected sneak up on us. Then we’ll have a nice fuck in the truck bed before we come home. It’s a date night!”

I groaned and grabbed my top before leaving the room. My son needed me, and after I fed him I needed to find a babysitter for tonight.

* * *

I hopped in my husbands truck after dropping my son off with Mom and Martin. Troy and I were dressed in our cleanest clothing to sell the idea of a date night of stargazing off the ranch. We still had weapons on us in case we ran across infected out there but otherwise we looked like a normal couple from before the world ended.

I hadn’t left the ranch since my family moved here, and although I knew that this world was very different than I remembered and that we were on our way to murder people, I was excited to leave and see what the world looked like.

After we got a few miles from the ranch, Troy turned off his lights and started scanning the roadside. “They aren’t even trying to cover their tracks. I wish this was more of a challenge.” He sighed.

It only took a half hour of driving total to find where the Trimbol family had made camp. They had a fire going, but it didn’t look like any of them were on watch. They knew that Troy had groups of the militia patrol the immediate area surrounding the ranch daily, and their goal was to dispose of any infected that made their way onto the land. They felt safe not having someone on watch while they slept, mistakenly thinking the infected were all they had to worry about.

In the dark Troy grinned and winked at me and quickly grabbed some large plastic bags, rope and zip ties.. “Keep watch for infected.”

“Are you going to time them?” I asked

“No. I cant have any record I did this, going to make it look like Vernon and Kathy died in their sleep and killed their son.”

I nodded, feeling a little sick about what I was about to witness.

He leapt from the truck and I saw him make his way to Vernon first, fasten the plastic bag around his head with a zip tie. I saw the man wake and start to struggle but Troy quickly bound his hands and feet with rope, he then moved on to Kathy to do the same.

As the older Trimbols struggled Troy made his way to Mike and pulled a knife from his belt. He knelt over his friend and began to hack at his chest and stomach. Mike’s screams were bloodcurdling, but he wasn’t able to fight off Troy.

After Mike stopped making noise, Troy was still hacking at his body, making the scene as bloody and frenzied as possible. After he was finished he cleaned his knife on his shirt and made his way to Vernon. Untying him and taking the bag and zip tie off his head, he dragged the body over to Mike’s, grabbed a handful of Mike’s viscera and smeared it all over Vernon’s face before shooting Vernon in the head. He then repeated the process with Kathy, before shooting Mike as well.

Now he had an excuse to be covered in blood if he shot the already infected Trimbol family.

He returned to the truck and used one of the bottles of water the Trimbols had in their camp to clean off most of the blood on his hands. He couldn’t return too bloody. And he himself had decreed that during the drought that water was only used for drinking and watering crops so he wouldn’t be able to shower when we got home.

I then got out of the truck and helped him to clean his face and neck. Nothing could be done about the clothes. “I hope the scene is bloody enough to explain your shirts being ruined.” I said, I was trembling after what I witnessed but also that primal part of me was turned on after what happened as well.

He’s definitely changed me.

Troy sighed looking bothered. “It's probably for the best we wait until we get home to fuck, I don’t want anyone seeing any blood on you. Sorry to ruin date night.”

“Maybe next date night.” I suggested, making my way to hop back in the truck “As long as there's no killing we can fuck wherever you want.”

“You’re the best wife, I couldn’t have chosen better.” He said with a grin as he got in the cab.

This time he blasted his metal music on the way back. He turned it off when we approached the ranch and one of the gate guards came out to meet him. “Hey boss, you’re back early.”

“We ran into some trouble. Saw infected eating a guy that was screaming for help. I killed the infected and then shot the poor sap only to realize it was the Trimbol family.” The guy at the gate couldn’t see all the blood on his shirts in the dark so I counted that as a win for my husband. He looked like he bought the story. “We’ll have to send a team out in the morning for the bodies. The whole ordeal killed the romance.”

The guard looked shocked but nodded and signaled for the others to open the gate.

We drove to our house in silence. “Leave little man at Mom’s for the night.” Troy said as I started to walk towards the RV park. “We need some alone time. I still haven’t made up to you for emotionally cheating on you and pushing you away.”

Oh so he was admitting that’s what he did? “Please don’t do that again Troy. I’d never do that to you. And I don’t think I’d survive it again if you do it again.”

“I won’t baby. I learned my lesson.” He said, “Now go get ready for me to worship you, I have to burn these clothes but I’ll be right in.

* * *

**_one year after the world ended…_ **

Honestly I had started to lose track of time. Sometimes the weeks and days blended together. But Troy was keeping track of the days in his journal so when we woke this morning and he told me ‘happy birthday’ I knew that it had been a year since the world changed.

“Tomorrow’s our anniversary.” I said stunned.

“It is!” He said jumping out of bed and running to his dresser pulling out a small box, “I got you a birthday gift and an anniversary gift.”

“I didn’t get you anything.” I said

“Helen, you just found out you’re pregnant again. That’s a gift enough for me.” He said handing me the box.

I grabbed the box and opened it to find a beautiful diamond necklace with an infinity charm. “Its beautiful. Thank you.”

He grinned. And grabbed the necklace and put it on me. “I thought it could be a sign that we belong together forever. Happy seventeenth Helen.”

“Thank you Troy.” I said holding onto the charm.

Had it really only been a year? Had it only been two years since my life changed forever. It seemed one day I was fifteen in puppy love with Javier and I blinked and I was seventeen, a mother and in hate-love with Troy.

Maybe I should stop thinking about time in terms of how long it had been since the world ended, or how long it been since my family moved to the ranch. It was to painful thinking about what was. I needed to accept that this was the world now.

* * *

I woke up in the early morning on my anniversary with my husband’s hand around my throat. He was choking me. I woke up quickly and started to fight him. He loosened his hold.

“Troy! What the fuck?”

“You were dreaming about another man.” He said coldly, “I wanted you to stop saying his name.”

“What are you talking about? There isn’t another man! There's only you!”

“You were crying for that Mexican in your sleep.” He growled, “I know what I heard! You said you loved him and missed him.”

I searched my memory of what I had been dreaming about, and he could have been right, I vaguely remember reliving my first few months at the ranch in my sleep. Part of me was mourning the girl I was before I married Troy. “I wasn’t dreaming about him Troy. I was dreaming about my first few months here. I was fifteen and heartbroken, alone in the world. I had no one. So I cried for him a lot.”

He didn’t look any less angry. “You weren’t dreaming about fucking someone else.”

“No. I promise.” I said, “Just my birthday stirred up some emotions…I don’t love him anymore Troy. He’s just a memory. What I felt for him pales in comparison to what I feel for you.”

He stared at me, probably trying to detect if I was lying or not before he got off of me. “Well I guess we can do presents now.” He said reaching to grab something off the nightstand.

He placed a thick piece of silver on his left ring finger and grabbed my left hand to place a thinner silver band on my finger. “I know wedding bands don’t mean much in this world, but I wanted to get us some.”

I gazed at the ring and felt the necklace on my sore neck. They were marks of his ownership in this world. The old world jewelry was just pretty things given to at partner. In this world it meant I had a man, someone taking care of me, someone with enough resources to afford to waste precious metal on giving his woman pretty things. He might as well have branded his name on me.

But at the same time, he got a ring for himself too. Showing all women that he had a woman. So it didn’t anger me as much as if he just got a ring for me. I thought it was sweet. Yes I was his, but he was mine too.

“I love it.” I said looking into his eyes, “Thank you.”

“Happy anniversary.” He said.

“Happy anniversary.” I said. “I love you. Can we go back to sleep for a bit? Your baby is making me tired and Jacob still has about an hour before he needs to be fed.”

“Of course.” He said lying down and opening his arms for me. I took the signal and lay on his chest, using his heartbeat to lull me to sleep. He started to play with my hair.

As I started to drift I heard him say, “If I run into this Javier Torres at the base sweetheart, you know I’m going to kill him special right? And if I hear you say his name again, I will make you watch.”

“Okay.” I mumbled as I continued to sleep. Javier was likely dead by now, and would never run into Troy. It wouldn’t hurt to agree to my husband to make him happy.

“Good girl.” Was the last thing my husband said before I fell back asleep.

* * *

**_nine months later…_ ** ****

I was standing over the crib of my two month old son Thomas watching him sleep, while also keeping and eye on Jacob who was walking around the room with his Dad’s journal giggling.

Troy walked in, uniform on. “Truck’s all packed.” He sighed picking up our eldest and prying the journal from his little hands. “Jakey, you can be Daddy’s research assistant when you’re grown up. Now you stay with Mommy and Tommy ok? Make sure their safe until Daddy comes home from his trip.”

Little Jake pouted. “No Dada. I go.”

I snorted.

Troy glared at me. He was pissed at me because I said Javier’s name again last night. I didn’t remember the dream, but Troy insisted I was moaning my childhood love’s name.

“Jakey. Mommy needs you here. I’m going to miss Daddy so much. If you go too, I’ll cry a whole lot.” I said to my eldest. Jacob may idolize his father and look like his little clone, but he hated when his Mama is sad or crying. He would even yell ‘Dada No!’ whenever Troy and I were yelling at each other. The boy was Mama’s boy.

The boy sighed. “Okay Mama.” And he kissed Troy on the cheek. “Bye-Bye Dada.”

“I love you son. Be good.” Troy said kissing the boy on the cheek and setting him down. Jacob went running out of the room to play with his toys in the main room.

Troy made his way to little Tommy in his crib and kissed him . “I love you son.” He said looking pained. This is the first trip he left on since before Tommy was born. He had gone to do experiments often since they cleared their base of the infected that Madison’s family brought in (they had only destroyed one building) but he took a break for a few months when each son was born.

“We’ll be okay.” I reassured him. Troy nodded and looked at me. “I love you. Be safe.” I said.

He glared at me. “Do you really Helen?”

He never said it back to me, and it hurt. But at least he was able to say it to our boys. “What do I have to do to prove it to you? I gave you everything, you have all of me, I’m yours.”

“If you were all mine, you wouldn’t call out for another man at night.” He said leaving the room.

I usually watched him and his men drive off, but not today. Today I cried.

* * *

**_three months later…_ **

It had been a cold war between us the last few months. We still lead the community, parented our children and fucked, but we ignored each other otherwise.

I tried for weeks to apologize to him but he refused to talk to me about our problems. And sometimes when he looked at me it looked like he wanted to kill me. This year we didn’t celebrate my birthday or our anniversary…I didn’t know what days they would have been, and he didn’t care enough to tell me.

When I told him I was pregnant again he simply shrugged and left for another week at the base on the border.

They were overdue to arrive back, and I got a really bad feeling. When Jake came in with a walkie he looked sick.

“Are they hurt? Is he okay?” I asked.

“All our men are fine. They have some new women to bring in to the community, so he says it was a success. He already has marriages in mind for them. But… they are brining a prisoner back. Troy says that Macy and I need to take the boys tonight because you two will be busy with the prisoner.”

Nate and Mara recently had a daughter Marley so they were out for babysitters, and Macy and Jake’s daughter Megan was Tommy’s age so they could probably handle two more kids. But why did I need to interact with a prisoner?

Then the memory of my first anniversary hit me…

_If I run into this Javier Torres at the base sweetheart, you know I’m going to kill him special right? And if I hear you say his name again, I will make you watch…_

Oh no.

I started to cry. “He found Javier?”

Jake nodded.

“He’s going to kill him and make me watch.” I cried

“I know.” Jake said giving me a hug. “I’m sorry sister.”

I let him hold me for a moment while I cried. Then I wiped my tears and started packing clothes and toys for the boys, and formula for Tommy because he wouldn’t be with me. When I was finished I called for them. They had started playing under Troy’s desk when he was gone because they missed him.

“Unc Jake!” my eldest exclaimed as he entered the room, holding his brothers hand as the boy toddled in on unsteady legs.

Another thing Troy missed, Jakey teaching Tommy how to walk.

“Little Jake!” Jake laughed, “Tommy! You’re walking so good!”

Both boys laughed.

“You boys are spending the night with Uncle Jake and Aunt Macy!”

“Meg!” they yelled. They loved being with their cousins.

I laughed and handed the backpack with their things to Jake. He put it on and picked up both boys (despite Jakey’s protests). I gave both my sons a kiss and said goodbye.

Jake gave me a sad look on the way out the door. “Good luck.”

I nodded; I was terrified about what was to come.

* * *

I was asleep when Troy came home. I didn’t hear him come in. I was blissfully dreaming of a world where I wasn’t in love with a jealous psycho when he shook me awake.

“Get your ass dressed.” Throwing one of his shirts and my baggiest pair of sweatpants at me. The pants I wore when I was in the last months of pregnancy. “He doesn’t get to see how well you filled out since you were fifteen. Those curves are mine to look at.”

“Please don’t make me watch Troy.” I begged, “Please.”

“No can do Helen.” Troy said, “You said his name again, the only way to fix this is for you to see him dead, so you don’t think about fucking him anymore. This is the only way to fix our relationship.”

I cried and got dressed. Then he dragged me to the attic.

We were redoing the spare bedrooms upstairs for when the boys were older and could sleep in their own room (Jakey’s room was nearly done), the attic we were attempting to turn into a playroom for them. We had just finished giving away all of Jeremiah Sr. and Tracy Otto’s shit that we had stored there to people who needed it or Jake who was sentimental. Troy only kept a few photos.

There in the empty room, naked, tied up and gagged was my old love, my old friend Javier. He was bound to a chair and facing an empty chair.

“Sit.” Troy ordered me, pointing to the empty chair.

“No Troy, please…” I begged.

He slapped me, the force of it knocked me on the floor. “I wont say it again bitch.”

Him calling me a bitch hurt more than the slap, and I started sobbing harder. I sat in the chair and he tied me up and gagged me.

“You see Javier…my wife, well I coerced her to be my wife. I thought she could grow to love me and only me. I deserve someone that’s mine only! But she still calls your name some nights.” He growled out, voice cold, as he stalked toward Javier with a hunting knife. “I’ve had her body in every way, I’ve bred sons from her, watched her body mature and change, was gentle with her, was rough when she needed, let her help lead my community, let her worm her way into my heart, I gave her everything. But still when she says she loves me I see she still is thinking of you.”

Troy began to shallowly cut Javier’s torso. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to watch.

“Helen, if I turn around and see those eyes closed I will hurt you. Think of the child your carrying…do you think it will survive that?”

Beating your wife into miscarrying was a capital crime, but Troy made the rules for others, he didn’t have to follow them. I was shocked he would even threaten that. The one thing we always agreed on was we adored our children. I thought he’d be excited for this pregnancy too.

I kept my eyes open, not wanting to see if he would actually do it. The threat hurt enough. With that and him calling me names… and what he was about to do to Javier…how could I forgive him?

I watched as Troy cut off Javier’s ears and nose. Watched as Troy grabbed the machete and cut off Javier’s genitals. Watched as he gouged out my former love’s eyes.

I sobbed the whole time while Javier screamed against his gag. The torture continued no matter how hard we cried. When Troy began to disembowel Javier and I threw up against my gag, choking on my own vomit until Troy heard my struggle and moved it so I could throw up all over myself.

It felt like forever before Javier died from the blood loss. It felt like an eternity as Troy timed the change and finally killed the resurrected Javier. He then sat in the corner and wrote down the whole thing. I sat there so long I peed myself, I didn’t dare speak to him though, I was to afraid.

I was out of tears by the time he untied me. He carried me down stairs to our room and placed me in the shower, undressing me. He undressed too and turned on the shower, climbing in with me.

He washed the blood off himself and then washed me clean of the vomit and urine. The hot water soothed my tense muscles but I was still trembling, afraid, angry and my cheek still stun.

Troy kissed me in the shower, and I was passive, letting him. I didn’t fight when he fucked me against the wall either. I didn’t want him to hurt me. I was afraid of the man I loved.

I realized I did love Troy; it wasn’t just pretend to manipulate him into caring for our children and me. I really did love him. I was just completely terrified of him too.

He dried me off and carried me to bed, climbing in too and spooning me. “Its okay baby. It's all over now.” He cooed, trying to soothe me as I trembled.

He was acting different now, gone was the cold killer, now there was just my husband. I refused to say anything; the change in personality couldn’t make me forget what happened in the attic. What he did to Javier, what he did to me.

“I love you Helen. You’re all mine now.” He sighed, pulling me closer and rutting against me, already hardening.

I was afraid of speaking my mind, so I said what he wanted me to say. “I love you too Troy. Can we please make love for the first time?”

I felt him grin as he was kissing my neck. “Your wish is my command love.”

* * *

I didn’t sleep that night. Troy slept like a baby but I couldn’t. I was afraid I would scream Javier’s name in my sleep after seeing him tortured so badly to death and I didn’t want my husbands rage to turn on me again.

As soon as the sun rose I slipped out of bed, dressed and snuck out of the house. But for the first time I took off my wedding ring and necklace. I didn’t want to be his property today. Not after last night.

Determined to not wake Troy, I snuck out. I practically ran to Jake’s place to grab my sons.

Jake was awake and gave me a pitying glare. I simply gave him a blank look and asked for my sons. While he went to get them and gathered their things I wished for probably the hundredth time that Jake was strong enough to run this place, strong enough to control Troy. Maybe the combination of Jake and Jeremiah would have been able to keep him relatively reigned in but not just Jake.

I loved Troy. But sometimes, like last night, I wished him dead. And I hated myself for that.

I got the boys and carried them to the pantry, I needed a diaper supply for the day, I didn’t plan on returning home. I left the boys playing outside by the kitchen while I helped cook breakfast. Afterwards I fed Tommy while Jakey and I ate our meal. I sat with my back towards the rest of the community at the furthest table, so no one would see my breasts while Tommy fed. I didn’t need my husband killing any unsuspecting community member just because they saw me feeding my boy.

Jakey was up on his knees eating his eggs with his hands and giggling. I knew Troy was approaching when Jakey started bouncing up and down.

“Daddy home!” Jakey said as Troy placed his tray down and sat next to our eldest. “Miss you!” he screeched, throwing himself at Troy for a hug.

“Missed you too Jakey.” Troy laughed. “Were you good for your Mommy while I was gone? And for Uncle Jake and Aunt Macy last night?”

Jakey nodded. “Tommy walk!” He informed.

Hearing his father’s voice, and his own name, Tommy decided he was done eating and wiggled out from under my shirt. I turned him around so he was facing Troy. And Tommy clapped reaching out for his father.

Troy grabbed for him and I handed him our little one. “Is that true? You learned how to walk big man?”

Tommy giggled in response.

“Jakey started to teach Tommy after I told them a new baby was coming.” I told Troy, “I think he’s trying to help me for when I have a third kid to care for.”

I glared at Troy; remembering last night when he threatened the child I carried’s existence to get his way. Asshole.

“Good job Jakey.” Troy praised our oldest, ignoring me “You’re the best big brother.”

“Know.” Jakey said, returning to his breakfast.

Troy kissed Tommy and returned him to me and we both returned to our breakfast. When I was done I stacked my tray, mine and Jakey’s cups, and the empty plate that they put the portions on for the small children and placed Tommy in the sling I used for him, I couldn’t depend in his walking just yet, he was still learning.

I stood up and held out my hand to Jakey he happily took it and I went to grab our dishes.

“I’ll get it Helen.” Troy said.

I shrugged and walked away with our sons.

Since I opened the schoolhouse I used it as my base for members of the community needed my help, they new they would find me there all if not most of the day.

There were four women that rotated weekly either taking care of the children under two or working the pantry (two women each week) and four women that rotated every other day (talking Sundays off) teaching reading/writing and counting/math (two women taught the two to five year olds and two women taught the six to ten year olds). Troy decided that the kids would have learned everything they needed by ten, and would then have to start learning various jobs on the ranch.

The kids only attended the school until lunchtime, then they would with stay with me and the other women and play (usually outside) or a parent would come and get them. We kept the place open until dinnertime, as most of the women’s jobs were complete by then.

The cabin was built a little bigger than the original was. The original cabin was the schoolroom, the addition was added to the back of the cabin and ran its whole length, giving enough room for kids to play or nap for the daycare.

I usually sat on the porch with Tommy while Jakey played with his friends. But today I gave the baby attendant Tommy to watch and went to my rocking chair and cried.

“Oh baby. What happened?” Came my mother’s voice after awhile of my crying.

I looked up to her standing in front of me; she was staring at the slight bruise on my face. He really did slap me hard. I was just glad that his entire handprint wasn’t on my face.

“He found Javier and tortured him to death. I refused to watch it. He slapped me and threatened my baby.” I cried.

My mom kneeled in front of me and cried with me; she had no love for Javier but she never wanted to see him dead, and she definitely didn’t want me to have to see the depth of my husband’s brutality even through everyone knew he was what he was. She also knew what it felt like to be hit and called names by the person you loved, and afraid for the child you carried. There was a reason that there were so many years between Nate and I, Dad would beat her so badly she’d lose a baby.

“Mommy, can you take the boys tonight?” I asked after a while, “I’m not sure he’s done.”

She looked frightened and nodded. “It’s my day off from the infirmary, I’ll take them with me after lunch. Marty will after dinner as I’m on dish duty tonight”

Lunch was delivered to the schoolhouse so we didn’t have to transport all the children all the way to the main dining area. The little ones would sit on the floor and eat, the school aged kids would sit at their tables, and the babies had formula delivered if their mother’s arranged for it (usually most mothers were able to come feed their infants before lunch). Mom ate with us and took the kids with her after the meal was cleaned up, taking their bag with them.

After I said goodbye to my mother and sons I helped clean up so the other women could help with child pick up quicker and get the remaining kids outside as soon as possible before they could cause a riot.

A few of the women came to talk to me before they retrieved their kids, their issues were relatively simple mostly clothing they needed for their kids (the pantry had some clothing, but it was mostly for adults) or asking about changing the tampon/pad ration for them because their flow was so heavy. I added the requests to my list to give to Troy for the next run the militia went out on, and added feminine hygiene products to it too, making note of the women’s names that needed more in their ration so I could go change the allotment logs in the pantry logs before dinner.

At one point in the afternoon Jake brought by a group of six young blonde women to introduce them and let them know who they go to if they need any help at all, including with their new marriages. The girls told me that they were sisters (two sets of triplets) that lived in a border town in Arizona before the infection started, they had been living in their family’s prepper bunker until a few months ago when they ran out of supplies. Their family had been on the move since then, but their parents died a month ago and it was just them. The militia found them this week scavenging a gas station for food and water. Troy gave them the conditions of coming to live at the ranch and they all accepted, wanting to live and needing protection.

I realized pretty quickly that Troy had married them to the last of the single guys under forty. Did that mean he wouldn’t bring anymore women back to the ranch? I noticed he rarely brought men, only if he thinks they were strong enough for the militia…

The rest of the day was uneventful. After all the children had gone with their families, I left the teachers to close up and I made my way to the pantry to edit the logs.

We usually ate dinner as a family. Tonight Mom and Martin doted over their grandchildren, Macy, Mara, Nate and Jake sent me worried looks in between conversation, and when Troy wasn’t looking at them they all sent him furious glares.

When the meal finished Martin grabbed the boys and Mom took everyone’s dishes to the dishwashing room. Troy glared as Martin walked away with our sons and the boys waved goodbye, but he didn’t say anything until our siblings and in-laws left.

“Why are our sons spending the night with Mom and Marty?”

“I wanted them to be safe in case you were still upset with me. You threatened the baby I’m carrying. I didn’t want the ones already in the world to be in danger.” I sighed.

He deflated at that. “Helen I-“

“Not here. Please.” I begged, “I’ve gotten enough looks today for my cheek and they don’t know what you called me and what else you threatened to do. It’s painful enough living it Troy; I can’t deal with the public scrutiny too.”

He nodded and held out his hand, I took it and we walked in silence. But he led me to his truck instead of home. He turned on his metal music and we drove off the ranch.

Usually after he came home we had date night and left the ranch to stargaze, fuck and talk, we hadn’t the last few months so I had thought it wouldn’t happen again. But I was scared this time…was I going to survive date night?

I turned down the music so I could talk. “This is the list of supplies that the women need on the next run. Cam says she’s willing to go and help pick out feminine products and the clothes needed.” I said putting the list in the center council. “Mom and Marty can help take care of the boys. I would beg you to not kill me until our littlest one is born but I know you’re going to do what you need to do…I do love you Troy…” I said beginning to cry.

“I’m not going to kill you.” He said stopping the truck in the middle of the road and turning off the music, “I’m not a bad person Helen. I just figured you didn’t want to have a talk in the house because of last night. I cleaned up the mess I made but I can see I did some damage to you I don’t know how to fix.”

That was an understatement.

“You hit me, called me a bitch, threatened our child, made me watch a horrific torture, made me nearly choke on my own vomit, and let me piss myself. Troy, these don’t sound like things that good people do to their wives.” I said, still crying but glaring at him, “I love you, I can’t control what my mind does when I dream. You cant either. I don’t know how many times I hear you moan another woman’s name, but I don’t hold it against you. I only count interactions when awake against you.”

“I never dream about other women.” He said, “And I needed to teach you a lesson not to lust after other men.”

“I never lusted after another man! I never had those feelings for Javier or anyone else! I didn’t have those feelings until after our first night together Troy! I only ever lusted after you!” I sighed, “And yes you do dream about other women, sometimes I think there are girls you met at the base that you had fun with, or maybe they’re girls from before…I try not to think about it. It hurts when the man you love never moans your name in sleep, and knowing he doesn’t love you… you’re just a possession to him hurts more.”

“I love you Helen. I really do.”

“It took you violently killing someone you were unnecessarily jealous of for you to tell me Troy.” I said, feeling bold, “Sorry if I don’t believe it, just like you refused to believe me every time I said I loved you.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to believe it baby.” Troy said, “to get you to forgive me. I regret making you watch, that was too cruel.”

“It was horrible.” I cried.

Troy hopped out of the car and ran around to my side, opening the door. He turned me to the side and enveloped me in a hug. “I’m sorry baby. I really am.” He said rubbing my back trying to calm me.

“Please don’t hurt me.” I said softly, “I know you have the need to kill, and a need to experiment. But please don’t make me witness torture again. And please don’t go back on your promise of hitting me again. Please Troy, I support you in everything, even the things I don’t agree with. I love you and I’m trying to be a good wife. Just please stop hurting me.”

“I’m sorry baby. You’ll never have to see me like that again.” He said pulling back and looking me in the eye, “I didn’t realize I hit you and called you that name until we were in the shower. There's no excuse for it. I did it, then I made you watch and soil yourself and I’m so sorry for all of it.”

The sad part was I believed him.

“Ok.”

“Good now do you want to take this date night to our usual spot? Or do you want to go home?”

I sighed; I did miss the cliff at the outpost. And our adult activities there were safe to do because of the armed duo of men that lived at the outpost on a rotating basis, but I was tired.

“Can we go home and go to the outpost another time? I was afraid of sleeping last night I’m really tired.”

“Of course baby, whatever you want.” Troy said, settling me back in my seat and closing the door before getting back on his side.

When we got home, he carried me inside, changed me into one of my two nightgowns that I rarely wore and tucked me in before getting ready for bed himself.

I noticed the nightgown is tighter than it should be. “I’m thinking I may be three or four months along this time…could be four, we did start having sex against doctor’s orders this time…”

He laughed as he hopped in bed next to me, “My fertile, little, good girl.”

“That’s why you wanted a young wife isn’t it? More babies?”

“ No, I just wanted you. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because you weren’t interested in me and I liked the chase…maybe I have a bit of a kink for younger submissive women…I don’t really know. I started to get these annoying feelings for you the more I watched you… and when your dad put you in the infirmary…it enraged me as if he hit me. It was like you were a part of me and I needed to protect and cherish you, I needed you. You being young and fertile is just a bonus of you in my life. I love our sons, and I will love this new baby and any that come after…I don’t love that their cribs are in here and we cant be loud while making love but that’s the only downside.”

I laughed, remembering the time I cried out in orgasm loudly and Jakey woke up and yelled ‘Dada off!”

“Jakey is almost ready for his big boy room, he’s excited.” I reassured, “If you used a condom we would eventually get a break of having children in our room.”

Troy rolled on top of me, looking offended. “I hate condoms. I only use condoms for whores, and I don’t fuck whores anymore.” He said pulling the covers off us and looking into my eyes waiting for permission this time.

“That’s good to know.” I said, pulling the straps of my nightgown down to revel my breasts and pulling up the bottom enough to expose the rest of me. “Do you want to make love to our wife?”

“Do you forgive me?”

“I’m never going to be able to forget, but I’m trying to forgive.”

He nodded and went in for a kiss. “I love you so much.” He whispered against my lips. “I’m not ever letting you go.”

“I know. I love you.”

His lips drifted down to my breasts and he started sucking them, at times drinking my milk. “You better wear your wedding ring and necklace tomorrow woman. It drove me mad seeing you weren’t wearing them.”

“I will.” I moaned, “I promise.”

He laughed and one of his hands drifted to my sex, feeling my wetness. “There's my good girl.” He growled out, “Ready for me baby?”

“I could be more ready…”I groaned, “Please Troy… play with me.”

“Demanding little girl, but you deserve it.” He said as his fingers and tongue started to work magic.

* * *

**_eight months later…_ **

“Mama! I hold!” Tommy screamed as I fed his little brother.

“Johnny eating.” Jakey explained, “We hold later.”

Tommy huffed and as Jakey led him to the rug that we had their toys on in the attic playroom, to play with their cousins. It had been hard to come up here at first; Troy cleaned it well, and put rugs all over to make it comfy but it still was a place of bad memories for me. He brought in a couch and chair for our family and me to sit on while the kids played and tried to make it look like a different space but still it was the attic.

Mara was on the rug with the kids tickling Marley with Megan and Macy was lying on the couch, moaning about the back pain her latest pregnancy was causing. I sat in the chair with the family’s newest addition John, my three month old.

I had a two year old, a almost one year old and a three month old. It was exhausting, but I loved my little guys. I just hoped the next one is a girl.

I had started having morning sickness today. Fucking Troy probably knocked me up again as soon as we got the go ahead for sex two weeks ago. It was too early to take a test, but I know my body, I was fucking pregnant.

Jakey was showing off his walkie to his cousins, Troy and I got a set that just communicated with each other, so I Jakey needed us during the night or if something bad happened we could communicate with him while he was in his big boy room. I was glad we finally found a way for him to stay the night alone. It was hard with Tommy and Johnny in the cribs and Jakey sleeping in between Troy and I all those nights. But my eldest was now a big boy that could sleep in his own room.

I smiled at my sons and nieces, my sisters in law; My family was beautiful.

My sons all looked like little Troy clones. Tommy at least had my eyes, and Jakey had my laugh, but they all looked like their Daddy and idolized him.

Please lord let the next one look a little like me…

 _“Jim-Bob to Helen of Troy.”_ Came over my walkie, “ _Meet us in the infirmary, we’re on our way home, about 15 out, Boss Man has been shot.”_

My heart stopped and I handed Johnny to Macy. “We can watch them. Go.” She said, and I needed no further encouragement.

I ran to the infirmary and waited, soon enough they were carrying my husband in. he was pale and bleeding. Mom and her team immediately got to work once he was in the bed. I turned to Jimmy, Coop and Nate with a glare.

“What the hell happened!” I hissed.

“It was a routine run, we were just checking on the guys at the outpost, we found Phil and Bob dead on the cliff and loaded their bodies. As soon as we did there was this guy Walker came out of the barn with ten other Indians shooting at us. We ran to the truck and fled, but Troy got hit.” Jimmy explained.

“I thought Troy and the A Team took out the Indians.” I called his favorite militia friends; the ones that followed him since the beginning and were still go to the army base with him his A Team.

“We did.” Coop said, “We killed everyone and burned it all down.”

“Obviously you missed at least eleven, these guys were pissed and packing firepower.” Nate said worriedly. “What do we do, who is the leader…Jake?”

No, Jake was not the leader in this situation. He was good backing up Troy’s plays, and helping Martin and Nate keep order while Troy was gone, but he was not a crisis leader.

I had to be me.

“When the King is down, the Queen takes control.” I told them. They nodded. “Jimmy, double the watches, put the militia on alert; no one in or out of the ranch. Nate, call back they guys scavenging. Coop take a census, we need every man woman and child accounted for. Let me know if anyone is missing. I’ll talk to Jake about how to let everyone know about Troy.”

“Yes mam’n” they chorused and left to get to work.

I looked to Mom, who was still trying to fix up Troy. He was hit in his shoulder and leg, not fatal but painful, he’d be okay.

 _“Helen of Troy to all militia, Boss Man is down, I’m Boss Lady until he recovers. Helen of Troy to Jerry JR, report to the medical tent immediately_.” I said into my walkie. Only the leaders of militia teams, our family, and all of the A Team had radios, but they would get the world out to everyone that needed to know.

Jake arrived in ten minutes. “How is he?” he asked worried.

“He’ll live, but he’ll hurt.” I said fighting tears. “Are you his blood type? He might need a transfusion…”

Jake nodded. “I’ll do it if he needs it… What do you need from me?”

“Are you mad at me for taking the lead?”

“No, it's your right.” Jake said, “What happened?”

“Ambush at the outpost. Some guy named Walker and about ten of his men that escaped the massacre at Black Hat.” I said. “They killed Phil and Bob.”

Jake looked angry. “Fuck.”

“I need you to back me up, like you do for Troy. I’ll make the hard calls, I just need support.” I told him.

“You have it sis.” Jake said, “I’m going to let Phil and Bob’s wives know about their deaths, I’ll be right back, radio if you need me.”

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Let the community know what happened, and that these people want to kill us, stress the danger. I don’t want a rebellious kid slipping through the fences and getting caught by these people.” I said solemnly. “Make an announcement during lunch? I wont be there, I’ll be giving orders from here until he’s out of the woods.”

Jake nodded and left, I sighed and watch Mom patch my husband up.

“He wont need a transfusion, just rest.” She said as she finished patching him up. She petted his hair and kissed his head. “Wake up soon son, we need you and love you.”

I sighed in relief. Now we just had to get him awak and make sure he doesn’t get an infection.

I sat there for a while...minutes?...hours? before my walkie went off again.

“ _Boss Lady.”_ Came Jimmy' voice _. “We got company approaching. Five trucks, with the beds full of guys. Indians._ ”

“ _Hold fire_.” I said, “ _I’m on my way_.” I check to make sure I still had both my gun and my knives in my holster just in case.

When I got to the gate, the Indians were still in their trucks, they were parked a quarter mile from the main gate. Only one was walking towards us. The leader.

I joined Coop and Jimmy at the gate and looked around at the men, looking to me for guidance. “Are there still rocket launchers in the watch towers?” I asked

“Yes. We have that capability in all towers and a few on the ground.” Jimmy said, “What are you thinking Boss?”

“It looks like he wants to talk, but if this goes sour and he has to die, I need to know I wont be out there without a safety net. I got a bun in the oven, and children in that house. I can't die yet.”

The men nodded. And I pulled my walkie. “Bo _ss Lady to watch towers, and all with rocket launchers near them. If I give the signal and things look hairy, take out the trucks immediately. All militia, show no mercy if this goes south_.”I heard a chorus of Yes mam’n from the radio and continued. “ _Boss Lady to all militia not stationed near the main gate, keep your eyes peeled for outsiders approaching. Kill anyone not from our community on site_.” They chorused Yes man’m again and I handed my walkie to Coop.

“Watch my back guys.” I told Jimmy and Coop, but all men at the gate nodded and then opened the gate for me.

I walked towards this Walker trying my best to channel my husband. This man wanted our land and hand no problem killing our people. And he wouldn’t really negotiate a truce, after what we did to the people at the Reservation. I knew it was either him or I walking away from this conversation alive.

When we met he looked down one me in disgust. “Who are you? let me talk to Otto!” he said.

“Jeremiah is dead, Jake is not our leader, and you put Troy out of commission. You get me… Helen Otto. Charmed I’m sure.”

“You’re a child! I didn’t know Otto had a daughter.”

“He didn’t. I’m Troy’s wife. Have been since the world ended.”

Walker looked intrigued. “Then you must know how depraved the Otto’s are…you couldn’t have been more than fifteen…maybe sixteen when he took you? Far to young.”

I shrugged. “It happened.”

“You must want revenge!” He continued, “Together we can kill all those that killed my people reducing our population to only those that were away when the world ended…a tribe of hundreds reduced to these fifty behind me… and we’ll kill their children too! We will allow the rest of you to stay on our land, provided you listen to our rule.”

“Hard pass. I have sons.” I told him

“He raped sons into you Helen. You can't love those children, they must go lest they grow up and want revenge.”

I lowered my head and started to pretend to cry, backing away a bit. Through my hair I saw Walker smile like he won a victory. When he turned around to signal to his men to drive forward, I pulled my weapon and shot him in the back of the head.

As soon as the body dropped I ran. I heard the trucks start to speed towards the gate, but as soon as I started running I heard the explosions of the rockets hitting the trucks. They weren’t able to get a single shot off.

When I was safely inside the gate I looked back and saw the wreckage.

I did that. I killed someone and gave the order to kill all the others. But I didn’t regret it. I protected my home and my family.

“Send teams to clean that up.” I ordered, “Have all watches stay on high alert. Keep the lockdown in effect and make sure all our teams make it back safely.No one sleeps for the next forty-eight, just in case there's another attack. He hinted that that was all of them but that could have been a lie.I'll be in the infirmary.” I said taking my walkie from Coop

I didn’t wait for their agreement, I just walked to the infirmary to check on my husband.


	5. torn apart...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ranch comes under attack again, Troy ruins his marriage, and Helen stands up for herself.

4: torn apart…

I had only left for an hour this morning to feed Johnny, kiss my older boys, and reassure them Daddy was going to be fine he was just sick. They naturally wanted to come visit, but I told them not this morning, I would come get them when their Daddy could have little visitors.

When I arrived back at the infirmary Troy was sitting up in bed and some of his A Team was standing around talking to him, I imagine filling him in on the last twenty-four hours.

I went straight to the chair I had been in all night and the conversation stopped.

“I hear you were a quote ‘Badass Boss Lady’ while I was out, the guys cant stop saying how great you were under pressure, how well you lead us and protected us.” Troy said reaching for my hand.

I shrugged. “I did what needed to be done, I couldn’t trust that anyone else had the strength to lead the way you would have.”

He grinned, “That’s my girl.”

“You can have leadership back only if you lead from this bed or the house until you’re fully healed.” I told him.

He laughed. “Yes man’m.” before grabbing for his walkie next to him, one of the guys probably brought it for him. “ _Militia, Boss Man is awake and in charge again. Over and out._ ”

The guys left, giving us some privacy.

“I was so afraid when I saw you shot.” I said squeezing my hand.

“I’m okay baby. Nothing Mom and the other medics can’t handle.”

I nodded, starting to tear up. “I can’t raise four children alone Troy. And I definitely cant live without the man I love.”

“Everything’s fine. You did well. I’m so proud of you.” Troy then looked puzzled, “Last I checked we only have three kids Helen.”

“I’m pretty sure you knocked me up again Troy. I started having morning sickness this week. Its to early for a test though.”

“So you’re telling me that you went out to negotiate with Walker and his men while pregnant with our child…” He said looking angry.

“No. I went out there to kill him before they could try to kill our community members or our sons. Any chances of a deal were off when he said the militia that were at the massacre and their children were to die.” I told him coldly, “You don’t threaten my man or my children’s lives and get to live.”

His lips quirked, “Good to know you can kill to protect the family when I’m not around.”

“Troy how did so many of them escape? I thought you said you killed all of them?” I asked. “I get why they were vengeful after what we did. I was worried about revenge happening but you said they were all gone…”

“Well there was too many for us to kill each one with stealth…so we blocked all the exits to the buildings with gunmen and set fire to all the buildings and tents at the same time. Shot and knifed any that were able to get out. I thought we had an established perimeter, but obviously a few got through it. No way all fifty were there though, some were probably off the Reservation when the shit hit the fan and came back. In hindsight we may have attacked to soon, but they might have expected it or started it if we waited.”

I nodded and sighed.

“Thank you for what you did.” He said, “I love my brother but he would have tried to negotiate or something, and you and I know that Walker wouldn’t have settled for anything less than blood… you saved us. What can I do to repay you baby?”

“Never get hurt again?”

“That I can’t promise…”

I sighed but then had an idea. Something I had been meaning to ask him before we started having sex again but was afraid to. “Um there is something. It would really be helpful to me…”

“What?”

“I need a break from breastfeeding. I realize if I’m pregnant again that you wont be able to do anything about it for nine months, and I wont be able to stop until this kid one is around one so that’s two more years with Johnny and this one but I’m tired of it my tits haven’t stopped hurting since we had Jakey. And that infection last month? Shit hurt.”

“How can I help?” He said looking empathetic, “I didn’t know it bothered you this much…”

“I’ve been trying to say strong, I know its what I have to do as a mom in the world we live in, especially when we have to ration formula for emergencies and women who have lactation difficulty.” I said, “I know you don’t like the idea but, after this kid is born and until we actually find out if I pregnant…can you pull out or use a condom? Maybe give me two years please? That will give me a year without lactating?” I begged.

“I fucking hate condoms. I’ll pull out baby, I promise.” He said grabbing my hand. “you have to tell me when you’re hurting from now on so I can help. I’ll make a promise to pull out until all three of the boys can walk, run fast, talk, listen to our direction and at least be trusted to defend themselves with a knife. Walker made me worry that if this place falls, we would have to transport all our young children and defend them. And if we didn’t have transportation…that would be near impossible to do. ”

I nodded and sighed in relief. Glad he voiced a fear I didn’t want to and he was willing to do this for my health and our kid’s safety. “I’m so happy you’re alright.” I said. “I can’t lose you. It’s not just about protection, or our kids…I fucking need you. I love you so much, I thought I was going to do if you did.”

“I love you just as much.” He smiled.

“Are you clear for visitors?” I asked. “There are some tiny Troy clones that want to see you.”

He laughed. “Medic says I’m okay. Just take it easy, and watch for infection. Antibiotics will help.”

I grabbed my walkie. “ _Boss Lady to Natey-poo. Unleash the Rascals_.” I said.

Troy laughed. “You’re keeping Boss Lady?”

“I like it better than the one you and Jake gave me.” I shrugged, “I think I’ve proven that when you are unable to be I can be the boss around here.”

“You for sure have proven that Helen.” He nodded.

Before I could say anything else a chorus of ‘Daddy’ ran out and Jakey and Tommy came running toward us, Nate was right behind them holding Johnny. “We were at breakfast. They heard your call and ran. We left Mara and Marley with all the dishes.” He laughed before handing off my youngest to me. “I got to get back to them. I’m glad you’re not dead brother.” Nate grinned at Troy and Troy flicked him off as he left.

I handed Johnny to Troy so I could help Jakey and Tommy onto the bed, and took the infant back after Troy kissed him. As soon and Johnny was back in my arms the boys pounced, carefully avoiding the bandaged areas, to hug their father.

* * *

After a few days of ruling the ranch from his infirmary bed, Troy was cleared to come home, provided he didn’t do anything to strenuous.

“I swear to God son, if you pop a stitch and develop an infection because you wanted to fuck my daughter or pull some of your cowboy shit around the ranch, I’ll shoot you in the other shoulder.” Mom threatened as she helped him out of bed.

Troy grinned at Mom, looking touched that she gave a shit. But Mom had taken to really being his Mom over the years, only times she was ever not loving toward him was in the beginning, when Madison was around, or when the whole Javier situation happened. She grew to love him, but she loved me first.

“Wouldn’t expect anything less Mom.” He said, kissing her cheek and taking my hand we then made our way home.

The boys were waiting for us in the main room; I held them off while Troy got settled on the sofa but after they insisted on cuddling into his side.

The boys had no interest in going to the schoolhouse with me today, they stayed with Troy.

* * *

**_over a year later…_ **

I watched from the porch of the schoolhouse as my two eldest sons followed their father, who was carrying little Johnny to his truck. They were excited because Johnny was joining them today.

Since he healed Troy had taken the boys every afternoon to tutor them in the life skills they would need we ended up on the road as a family. They started with endurance running after they could walk. Once he was sure they would listen to his direction and they could talk enough to ask questions he would teach them to safely handle a knife. Soon he would start to take Jakey off the ranch to teach him how to track, navigate, hunt and other survival skills. He said it was perfectly safe, he had learned young too. I was okay with it because it would mean my kids would be able to fend for themselves, my only condition is that they didn’t touch a gun yet.

My youngest, Tessa, was asleep in my arms and blissfully unaware that her father and brothers were driving away, leaving just us girls again for the afternoon.

I was sad because I wanted to spend the afternoon as a family, but Troy wanted to get in one last lesson with the boys before he left for the base in the morning. He had been itching to go for months, but I had been put on bed rest my last few months of pregnancy, so he stayed. He really had only gone a few times since he was shot.

It had been a hard pregnancy with Tessa. Mostly because the baby boom around the ranch also came with the side effect of maternal and fetal death. Everyone was terrified because we had lost three mothers and six babies this year, and it was horrifying to see that babies were no longer stillborn, they came out zombie babies that the father of medic had to kill. The few women who lost their kids like that and survived had killed themselves, some of their men followed their family to the grave but not all.

People knew that these things happened in the old world; babies had been born with abnormalities and died soon after birth before, babies had been stillborn before; babies had died in their sleep before, and mothers perished in childbirth before. But it was especially terrifying now that they were turning, and there was no technology to detect these things early on, and maybe prevent some of it. Mom had said that the community had been lucky to escape these things as long as they had, and she knew it was because people had put off having children for so long.

I thanked whatever god there may be that I got four healthy children out of four pregnancies. The bleeding halfway through my pregnancy with Tessa had been concerning enough to warrant bed rest but it had done the trick and my little girl and I made it out okay. We were fortunate.

Tessie-girl and I spent the afternoon on the porch talking to community members and enjoying the day. By the time we got to dinner the family was already seated.

The Otto family had gotten so big that we now needed two tables pushed together to sit at. Macy and Jake had another girl, Jade, not long after Troy healing up last year; Mara and Nate had a boy a little bit older than Tessa named Noah; and Jakey, Tommy, Megan, Marley and Johnny were all insistent that they could sit at the table by themselves now. They had barely fit at one table when it was just the eight adults, so they let the kids have one end of the pushed together table to themselves so they could talk amongst themselves as long as they didn’t play with their food.

Jakey was showing off his very own hunting knife when I arrived, Troy had said he was responsible enough to have his own now so I didn’t argue when he said he was gifting him one. “Jacob, no weapons while we’re eating.” I said as I sat next to Mom and across from Troy.

“But Mommy!” He protested.

I glared at him and he glared back, looking exactly like his father.

“Jakey, if you can’t listen to your Mother and I you’re just showing me that you’re not ready for your own weapon after all.” Troy told him.

Jacob immediately sheathed the knife and tucked it into his cargos. “Sorry Mommy. Sorry Daddy.”

“Pull that shit again I’m taking the knife away and I’m canceling our weekend trip.” Troy told him. “Respect your Mom and I son.”

“I do Daddy.” Jake said, “Sorry again Mommy.”

“Forgiven Jakey.” I said digging into the meal; I gave my husband a smile. He never once raised a hand to our kids, no matter how much they acted up sometimes. He always tried talked to them like little adults, and when that didn’t work took away a thing they liked, that was usually punishment enough for them. He was a brutal man to everyone else, but not to our kids.

Troy made a grab for Tessa. “Hand me my little princess, wife. I missed her today.”

I rolled my eyes and handed the infant over. “She’ll need to eat soon.” I said.

“Yeah, well, you first.” Troy said practically snuggling our little girl.

I laughed and continued to eat until our daughter started wailing.

* * *

Troy and the A-Team had only been gone a day and a night, which is why I was confused as fuck when the returned in the mid-morning, down a truck.

I had been at the schoolhouse when the guardhouse called me to tell me the convoy was approaching. I practically ran to the gate to see what was going wrong.

I found Troy barking out orders into his walkie looking pissed off. I saw Jimmy and Coop unloading the dead bodies of Sam, Ben and Luke. Blake, Joe, and Owen blew by me in a truck and I could hear Owen’s screams of pain. They were probably on the way to the infirmary.

Jake, Nate and Martin came running and Troy jumped off the radio for them. I didn’t hear the beginning of the conversation but I caught the last order Troy gave to them as I approached and they ran off. “I called all other teams back…Lock this place down.” He practically growled.

Troy then saw me. “Helen, round up all the women, children and elderly into the pantry and once everyone’s accounted for lock it from the inside.”

My eyes widened. “Are we expecting company?”

“We have a few hours max.” He said running his hands through his curls. “They made the base their home the last few months. They shot first. Got four of us, I made the call to fall back to assess the wounded and we to leave a truck behind…we didn’t have enough men to drive and to kill the wounded if they turned. But the truck had a map. They’ll come for us.”

I knew this might happen someday, another threat, it just seemed like the last crisis just ended.

I nodded and switched my radio channel. One of the changes I made since Walker’s attack was for more women to have radios, Troy okay-ed it for emergencies only and only a few women in key positions around the ranch. I did it just for this reason. It wasn’t practical for one person to run around all this land and get everyone to safety… I needed help. Each woman with a radio had their own area of the ranch that they were responsible to round up in an emergency.

“ _This is Boss Lady. Code Red. Thirty max_.” I said, and repeated twice. “ _Sound off.”_

“ _Infirmary Copy.”_

_“Gardens Copy.”_

_“Barns Copy.”_

_“Kitchen Copy.”_

_“School Copy.”_

_“Pantry Copy.”_

“Keys please.” I said holding out my hand, “I need to help with the little ones.”

He handed them to me and kissed me. “Have Charlene, Ruth, Anne and Mary report to me when they’re done helping you. Switch your radio back too when everyone is accounted for, you only open the pantry on my orders after you lock it.”

I nodded and within the minute I was driving away. I knew the women in the other areas had access to vehicles for their use it this situation to move the young, pregnant or elderly so I was hopeful we could get this done before my thirty minute deadline. Troy said he thought we had a few hours, but that didn’t mean we did.

Anne who was one of the daycare workers and an occasional militia member had all the babies and toddlers loaded in the bus when I arrived. She was pulling out when I was parking. Gretchen, who also worked in the daycare wasted no time loading up the school aged kids in the truck bed once I had parked. I helped.

I knew my two youngest were in the bus with Anne, Jen and Rita (the teachers working today). I could only kiss Jakey and Tommy as I loaded them up.

“Mommy? Code Red?” Jakey asked.

I nodded, he knew what that meant, most kids who understood words were told that Code Red meant danger, that bad people were coming or here and they would either have to run or hide.

The whole group of kids went silent at that. Yeah they understood.

When the last kid was loaded up Gretchen and I hopped into the cab, barking instructions to the oldest children to help they little ones stay steady and in the truck bed, it was going to be a bumpy ride.

When we drove up to the pantry, militiamen were loading up on weapons and women, children and elderly were loading in, listening to the directions of Macy and Mara who I put in charge for these situations.

Mom was checking off names as people filed in the pantry. It took twenty-five minutes since I gave the Code Red for her to say. “All non- militia accounted for.”

I turned to the only four women that Troy allowed serving in the militia when he needed, “Charlene, Ruth, Anne and Mary…you’re all to report to Troy.” I told them. “Good luck.”

They nodded grabbing weapons and vests before departing. When they left I shut the pantry and locked the door, switching back my radio.

After a few minutes Troy’s voice came on the radio. “ _Boss Man to Boss Lady. You will have four guards in front of your door. They are your last line. If they fall, you and the rest are on your own.”_

I gulped. So did every other adult. I turned down the volume so everyone didn’t hear in the echo. “Kids to the back?” I asked Mara.

She nodded. “And pregnant and elderly.”

I sighed. “Whoever isn’t armed up, should right now.” I ordered. “They should have left us the handguns.”

Women began to file to choose their weapons and I checked to make sure I had a full clip. It took a few minutes for everyone that needed a weapon to have one.

No one spoke, the ones that were nearest me listened to Troy and other militia leaders bark orders through the radio until someone in the guardhouse finally said it.

“ _Guard 4 to Boss Man. Company is in the driveway_. _In fucking tanks_.”

Enemy approaching from the front…in fucking tanks.

“ _Guard 10 to Boss Man, Company is in the backyard_.”

Enemy approaching from behind.

“ _Take no prisoners_.” Troy said into the walkie, “ _Radio silence until victory.”_

I knew he ordered the radio silence because the enemy might have our walkie signal, but it was agonizing hearing the rattle of gunfire above and not knowing if it was going our way or not.

It took awhile, so long that it had to be the middle of the night. Most of the pantry was asleep when the radio to crackled again.

“ _This is Big Papa. Backyard Secured. View looks great. Sent Natey-poo with back-up team_.” Came Martin’s voice.

“That’s not his code name…” Mom said shaking off sleep, “Its Martian.”

I nodded. “It means that our rear is secured but he and his men have been captured while scouting for enemy in the mountains and not to listen to anything that comes from him. Nate’s in charge back there now. ”

She started crying.

“They wont kill him Mom. They’ll need intelligence.” I told her, pulling her into a hug “We’ll get him back.”

It took another few hours until Troy’s voice came in. “ _This is Boss Man. Blue skies ahead. Injuries high. Casualties zero. Report Natey-poo.”_

“ _Two injured.”_

_“Militia put down the infected. Keep vigilant. Burn the bodies. Pantry guards maintain your posts. Boss Lady, allow medical personnel to return to posts. A-Team we roll out in five.”_

Mom and the medical staff got up and I opened the door for them. If there were a lot of injuries they were needed ASAP before those men took a turn for the worse. Mom was still crying. “Mom, Troy and his team are rolling out in five to find Martin. He'll be okay.”

She nodded.

When the medical team left, a few of the women began searching for the protein bar supply to feed to the kids and the pregnant women, and some breastfeeding moms went to began to feed their babies.

I made my way to the back to grab Tessa and check on my sons. I found Jakey standing in front of his siblings with a knife drawn. Many of the other older kids had weapons out, ready to fight to protect the younger ones.

“We’re in the clear kids.” I told them all. “They just have to clean up the infected out there and we can leave. You all did great.”

There was a cheer from all the kids and the older ones put away their weapons. I made my way to my kids and kissed them all before grabbing Tessa to feed her. As she fed, my sons clung to me and I tried to soothe them too.

After a few more hours Troy’s voice sounded, “ _Company is gone. Martian and team rescued_. _Code Yellow_.”

That meant that we were almost out of the woods. I let the adults know, and asked for volunteers to start cooking a big meal for everyone to have when the Code Green was called, it had been over twenty-four hours since most of us had one. I wasn’t technically allowed to do this but I was going to.

After the volunteers and the food they were going to cook left, we still had to wait another half hour for Troy to return to the ranch and call a Code Green.

“ _Helen, open that damned door so I can yell at you.”_ He said. “ _There's fucking people out here that aren’t supposed to be._ ”

I unlocked the pantry, but let everyone else file out first. Macy and Mara did me the favor of taking my sons with them when they left with their kids. I still held Tessa.

I took Troy in; he was covered in blood and looked exhausted, “Hello husband. Congratulations on the win. Lunch…or is it dinner?... should be ready soon.” I said standing on my tippy toes to kiss him.

His stomach growled. The man probably hadn’t had anything to eat but a protein bar since he left home a few days ago. He kissed me before saying, “Don’t pull that shit ever again. Code Yellow is not the same as Code Green little girl. Anything could have happened.”

I nodded, “Loud and clear sir.” I said with a salute.

He groaned. “You’ve gotten pretty sassy since you deemed yourself Boss Lady.”

I shrugged and winked, “Never in front of anyone else babe, just when we’re alone.” I told him as I passed him to leave the pantry.

“If you weren’t holding our daughter and I wasn’t starving, I’d take you over my knee…” he said.

I laughed, “Maybe tonight then…” I suggested as we made our way to eat.

* * *

A few weeks later when everyone had recovered from battle, the dead were buried, the widows remarried to widowers of women that died in childbirth, and the ranch was secured, Troy began thinking about the base again.

“It’s compromised, there's no way they sent all their fighters. I'm wondering how that many trained military personnel were able to form a group and why take the base now? We had it for years! My best guess is they sent maybe seventy men to try to take us? How much are left? Its too risky to try to return there.” He ranted one night as he got in bed.

“I’m sorry babe. I know your research is important.” I said as I put Tessa down.

“I haven’t discovered anything new about the infected in a long time, I’m starting to think I’ll never know why this happens, and I haven’t found anyone worthy of this community either… there's no benefit to going anymore, it just spreads our resources to thin.”

I was beginning to think this was a dream, because I never thought he would give up his experiments. “I know that was a hard decision to make Troy. I’m proud of you for it.” I said, hopping into bed with him and laying my head on his chest “I’m worried about the people that army left behind, and other groups out there…people are going to keep coming for us…”

“I know baby, my place is here now only.” Troy said giving me a kiss, “I have to make sure what’s important is safe.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

**_over two years later…_ **

My kids were so big now. All of them could handle a knife now, and were mastering all the lessons Troy gave them, Jakey had even graduated to learning gun safety a few weeks ago. He’d gotten so big. They all had. I was especially happy that Troy was giving Tessa the same lessons he gave her older brothers. My little girl needed to know how to protect herself too.

By this time all the boys had moved into the larger bedroom upstairs (it used to be a guest room before the world ended) Jakey and Tommy loved the bunk-bed we moved in for them and Johnny was content on his single. I don’t know how many nights I went upstairs to check in on them and they were playing or talking. I had to threaten to separate them.

Tessa had her own room, Troy’s old room, but she was upset because she only ever got her brothers hand-me downs. She wanted dolls like her cousins, and pink blankets and her own clothes.

So Troy and I had gone out ‘shopping’ for our little girl. We stopped a strip mall few hours away from the ranch and picked out some dolls and stuffed animals for her from the toy store, and had made our way to the children’s clothing store. We decided to just clear the store of all the clothing because of how many kids the ranch had now. If our kids didn’t need it, plenty of other kids would, and since they were all growing like weeds we wanted to get as many sizes as possible.

I was happy that Troy let me come with him today, I was my first time on a supply run, and the first time I really got to see what had happened to the world. We hadn’t had a problem since the attack a few years ago. We felt like we were in a safe enough place to start having kids again. And as per usual it only took a couple tries for us to get pregnant. We were so blessed. I was so happy.

I was waiting while Troy ran in the superstore to see if they had a bedding set our little princess would approve of. With the truck full of stuff someone had to make sure the fuel and purchases were safe.

He was taking awhile, it was almost to the point I was suppose to radio him and ask if he was ok, and based on his reply either go in after him or run home for back-up.

Thankfully he exited the store at that moment with a cart full of pink shit (he insisted this next kid was a girl so I knew he’d probably get more than just bedding for Tessa) and a woman around his age who looked like she had been on the road awhile, she was pushing a cart of sporting goods and potential weapons.

“Helen, this is Diana.” Troy said as he made it to me and started to load up the ‘purchases’ in both carts into the truck. I saw that he got a few things for the boys too, it had just been buried under all the pink and purple. “She helped me out clearing the infected, and after a short interview I think she’d make a great addition to our community.”

I raised an eyebrow and sized the woman up. She was dirty but I could tell she was pretty, she looked fierce, and like a warrior, and that look in her eyes I’ve seen before…

She’s a killer like my husband.

Troy had been bored since he stopped experimenting. The kids and I couldn’t keep his interest for long. He was happy when he was with us, but after so long he volunteered himself to lead runs, or help clear infected from the land around the property. He needed the violence, and he didn’t want the kids to know about that side of him, or me to see it again after what happened with Javier.

And now the universe had given him someone to relate to.

“Nice to meet you.” I said, “Where are you from?”

“Up north.” She shrugged, “was living with a group on a farm for a bit, but it got overtaken by a horde. I’m all that is left. Been on my own for awhile now.”

I narrowed my eyes. Troy had to see that was a lie…right? The woman was well fed, and while she was covered in dirt she certainly didn’t smell like she was in need of a shower. I had smelt people from the road that Troy brought back, and Troy after he’d been on base and forgot to bathe because he was wrapped up in a theory, there was definitely an odor. But after looking at Troy, it seemed like he fucking bought it.

“A horde?” I asked

“Huge group of what you call the infected.” She said “The one that took out my farm had to have been over a hundred.”

Great a new worry, “What’s the biggest group the militia has seen?” I asked

“Fifty-ish.” He shrugged, “If we get them in smaller groups we’re fine.”

Yeah, that made me feel great.

I nodded. “Would you like to join me in the truck Diana? Troy can load up.” I said as I made my way to the passengers seat.

“Sure.” She said hopping in behind me. “Been a long time since I’ve been in one of these things.”

That sounded like a forced statement too. Lie?

We sat in silence until Troy got in. When he got settled and started the car I asked him where she would be staying. “With us of course, we have a spare room.”

“You’re not marrying her off?” I asked incredulously, he married off all the new women as soon as they arrived or the morning after their arrival if there were single men. And there were a few now, as one had a wife died in childbirth and another had a wife died from what Mom thinks was cancer.

Diana snorted, “He told me about his rules, I said I wouldn’t be subject to an inferior man.”

I looked back at her to see her staring at Troy with something either lust or bloodlust. Either way I wouldn’t like it if she got what she wanted.

“I’ll let her skate by for awhile.” He said, “But if she wants to be apart of the community she’ll marry a man in the next few weeks. I’m just giving her some time.”

Bitch is getting helluva lot more time than many of us got. I knew of widows that were married off hours after their husbands died. But I wouldn’t argue with him in front of someone else, I had promised that.

I just hoped that not killing the bitch on site didn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

* * *

**_about a month later…_ **

Fucking Diana was more annoying than Madison ever was. Every time my husband and I tried to fuck, she’d be knocking at the door. Every time he and I were spending time with the kids there she was. She sat with our family at meals, she got out of working and pulling her weight, she still wasn't married, and she always had snide little comments about my kids. Troy never did anything to put her in line. 

The rumors swirling around about Troy fucking her behind my back were hard to ignore. And they were starting to get to me. I had finally asked Grethen if she thought there was any truth to them and she told me she there was, Jimmy told her that he sees Troy every day before or after lunch pull Diana to the big house.

That explained the looks the A-Team and my family had been giving me lately.

Today I had a check up after lunch with Mom, to make sure my vital signs looked good. My blood pressure had been crazy with Tessa so we decided to keep an eye on it early this time. After I got the clear I decided to see for myself if the rumors are true.

As soon as I got in the front door I knew the rumors were true. I heard Diana screaming, I heard a man grunting and it was all coming from my room, not upstairs where Diana’s is.

Asshole.

I made my way upstairs and began packing essentials for the kids. There was an old suitcase I never thought we’d have to use but I used it for this. Clothing, toiletries and favorite toys were packed for all my kids by the time Diana let out her final cries. I zipped up the case and placed it by the backdoor.

I then steeled myself for the next part.

I made my way to my room and went immediately to the closet. We had emptied it when we had Jakey and used it for a little nursery instead of for clothing. The two cribs were long empty. We used the space underneath the cribs for storage. I was there because it was where I stored my bag, the same one I used when I was fifteen and moved here.

They were both looking at me with blank looks on their faces.

“Helen I-“ Diana said but I pulled my gun and aimed it at her.

“Say another word bitch and you get one in your brain and whatever mission your boss, whoever he may be, sent you on is over.” I said.

“Calm down Helen.” Troy said

I laughed at aimed the gun at him. “I may not be able to kill you Troy but I can shoot your dick off.” I told him throwing him my bag. “Pack my shit now.” I ordered. When he didn’t I threatened again. “Troy you wont be able to fuck your little spy slut without a dick sweetie.”

He glared at me, like I was in the wrong here, and went to pack my shit. When he was done he looked at me. “Toiletries too.”

He made his way to the bathroom.

I turned to Diana. “Your pussy must be excellent to blind Troy so well to the game your playing. I don’t know who you are doing recon for, but I’m not going to let you run away and tell them whatever pillow talk Troy spilled.” I threatened. “Why did you come here? We both know your sob story was bullshit.”

She stayed silent so I shot her in the leg. “Fuck!”

“Remember yet?”

“Helen! Stop!”

I glared at him, “I never touched Javier…do you remember what you did to him? This bitch has been fucking you since she got here, talks shit about my kids and she is obviously a plant for someone. “ I said with a glare. “Now Diana…did the bullet wound jog your memory?”

“My commanding officer! His name is Jones.” She said, crying “We were all stationed in Texas when the world fell, we’ve been moving from military base to military base since then, most of the time picking up more soldiers. A few years ago, a small militia tried to take our new base, we sent eighty troops to take kill them, the group they’re from and take their resources but they never returned. My mission was to find the community and what happened to the troops. Now let me go to medical bitch.”

I shot her in the other leg. And looked at my husband. “If you weren’t thinking with your dick, you would have seen she was a fake.” I said holstering my gun and walking towards our dresser.

Troy called for medical and let them know the patient would need to be cuffed because they were an enemy spy, while I took off my necklace and put it in my empty drawer.

I slid off my wedding ring and handed it to him, grabbing my bag that he dropped in shock. “You don’t have a wife anymore Troy. The kids and I are leaving.”

“You don’t get to leave me.” He said angrily, grabbing me as a turned around. “You don’t get to take away my kids either.”

“You left me first Troy.” I said, “I’m leaving the ranch, I’ll have the kids stay with Jake, they have the room there. I’ll come visit them every week. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

“No Helen. I’m your husband. I make the rules your ass is staying here.” He said turning me around and shaking me.

I took out my knife quickly and held it to his stomach. “You broke up this family Troy. In my eyes you fucking her was a divorce. Now take your fucking hands off me if you want to live.”

He did, he still looked pissed, but my actions seem to have gotten him excited. I looked down disgustedly, sizing up his still naked form, his dick still wet from another woman. “Yeah, that’s never happening again with me. I’ll only fuck my husband and he’s dead to me.”

I left the room soon after that, and medical arrived.

Within the hour I had asked Macy to look after my kids and gave her their things. Told Mara and Mom what I was going to do and asked them to help Macy and Jake with my kids and made my way to the schoolhouse to tell my babies that Mommy had to go away for awhile but she loved them very much, they would be living with their Aunt and Uncle.

Once that teary goodbye was over, I took a truck and fucking sped out of the gate. Troy wasn’t there to stop me, probably looking after his girlfriend, but I didn’t care.

He finally broke my heart, and he was dead to me.

Maybe one day I could stand to look at him long enough to move into one of the bunkhouses on the ranch. It would have enough room for me and the kids, but I didn’t want to see his good for nothing face at the moment. I wouldn’t move back until I was sure he was dead to me and I wouldn’t fall for him again.

When I arrived at the outpost, which had been fortified since Walker had ambushed it, I was greeted by one the two caretakers this week by a hug.

“Helly! What's going on?” Nate said when I got out of the truck and he pulled me into his arms, “Have you been crying?” He asked.

“I caught them together.” I said, “We’re over.”

He didn’t ask anymore questions, just squeezed me harder, “I’m sorry Helly. He’d told everyone they’d be shot if we told.”

I nodded. “Its okay. It's over now. I need some space to get him out of my system.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right place.” Jimmy said, walking to us, “I’m sorry Boss Lady.”

“Just Helen.” I said, “He can find someone else to be his Queen. I’m not interested. I left my radio in his bed. It's probably covered in blood and cum.”

“You shoot the bitch?” Jimmy asked

I nodded.

“Thank god!” they both chorused.

I laughed.

“All the guys hate her, even before we knew she was fucking the boss.” Jimmy said. “Now they hate her even more.”

“Well there's more reason to, she’s a spy for that army that took over the base and attacked.” I told them.

“What a fucking whore.” Nate said, “Brother is an idiot.”

I nodded.

Jimmy went to the truck to get my bag, and then made his way to the cabin. “You coming Helen?”

Nate and I followed and they introduced me to my new home.

It wasn’t much, but it would do for now.


	6. healing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troy's not letting Helen go...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this story is still about an abusive and manipulative relationship. 
> 
> Helen may seem just as messed up as Troy sometimes but she was raised by a racist, abusive father and has been being preyed on/ married to an older man for the last eight years. She's not perfect, she's doing her best to survive. And while there are certainly men that are worse than Troy in this story, that doesn't mean what he and Helen have is healthy. So again I warn you, this is a triggering story, heed the tags.

5: healing?

I had been crying on and off since I arrived at the outpost, and even Nate couldn’t get me to eat. I was proud I held myself together long enough to leave the ranch, but as soon as I was out of those gates I could not stop bawling.

I loved that asshole and he did this to me. He promised me he would never. How many of his promises had been lies?

We almost made it to seven years together, and the last few had been great. Everything I’ve done I’ve done for him and our children. And he betrays all my love, trust and devotion for some fucking spy?

I didn’t blame Diana for this; he was just a job to her. The blame was all on Troy.

When Nate and Jimmy were replaced with Blake and Coop, they came back hours later with the kids so we could visit. I appreciated them helping me to see my kids. My babies were really confused and I didn’t know how to explain.

“ _Daddy and Mommy aren’t together anymore_.” I explained, “ _It has nothing to do with how much we love you. But things are going to be different_.”

My boys looked enraged. They all were Momma’s boys despite being Troy’s clones. My daughter looked devastated, she couldn’t understand completely but she understood that Daddy and Mommy were fighting. Nate and Jimmy gave me the afternoon with the kids before driving back home with them.

When Joe and Owen replaced Blake and Coop, I knew something was off. Why had Troy tied up members of his team to man the outpost? They rarely did. It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t because he cared about me, his previous actions showed differently.

Joe and Owen brought news that Diana had been tortured and killed by Troy soon after I left. And since then Troy took teams of men to the base to wipe the enemy out. He had used stealth, night fall, C4 and Diana’s intelligence to get in range to of the bunkhouses and blew them to hell. Then he and his men went in and took everyone else out. They returned this week with all the water, fuel, food, vehicles, and weaponry the base had, which was way more than Troy had left behind months ago. The ranch would be set for years with the water and fuel they brought back alone.

Apparently when he got back he made a bonfire with his bed, and then went shopping for a new frame and mattress for ‘when his wife came home’.

“ _Yeah, that’s not happening.” I told Joe and Owen when they finished their recap._

_“Boss seems to think so…” Joe shrugged returning to his work, we were all making repairs to the fence that surrounded the outpost. I chipped in with the work that needed to be done since I was staying here. The guys protested but soon stopped._

They still saw me as one of their leaders.

They didn’t say anything when I cried all night or when I refused to eat, I ordered them to leave me be. But I could see their worried looks. And when Nate brought the kids every week, he looked pissed.

Yesterday Jake and Martin visited, probably because Nate tattled on me to the family and everyone knew sending Troy would make it worse.

_“You need to come home, at least so your Mother can check you out. If not for yourself then for the baby.” Martin begged._

_I shook my head. “We’re fine!” I told him back._

_“Helen, you look half dead.” Jake pleaded._

_“Good, then I look how your brother made me feel.” I snapped, “It was nice seeing you both but I’m tired.”_

They left when I dismissed them and I went back to my chores.

The next morning I woke up in a mess of blood and fluid. I screamed and cried; Joe and Owen called home base and let them know they were leaving their post a day early, and coming home with an emergency.

I don’t remember much after them carrying me to a truck and speeding away.

* * *

I came to in the infirmary. My kids were sleeping in the bed next to me and Mom was sitting vigil in a chair.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You lost the baby…we almost lost you too.” She whispered, as not to wake my kids. “You nearly starved yourself to death Helen! Next time you try to kill yourself…don’t.”

“I didn’t want to kill myself Mom, I just… I don’t know what I thought, I was…I’m still just so devastated.” I cried, “My poor baby.”

“Its okay honey,” Mom reassured, “It just wasn’t this little ones time…”

I nodded. It was probably the worst time to be pregnant anyway. I didn’t have a husband, I couldn’t protect five children on my own, and I couldn’t depend on Troy to do the right thing and help protect them in this world…he always breaks his promises.

I still mourned though. I blamed myself, I should have at least looked out for my child, even if I didn’t care about myself anymore.

I promised myself that I’d do better by my children.

The kids woke up from hearing my cries, and Mom helped them settle in around me.

After awhile of reassuring them I would be fine, Troy walked in the infirmary. All the boys drew their knives and Tessa burrowed herself into my side.

“Stay away from her Dad.” Jakey, growled, “You don’t get to hurt her anymore.”

Troy put his hands up but still walked closer. “Boys, put away your weapons now. I’m just here to check on her.”

“You don’t love her, and you don’t love us either.” Tommy said, “Everyone knows you were with that lady that was mean to us.”

“Boys.” I said, “Weapons away. He’s your father and he loves you. You have to show him respect.”

They all did as I told them but groaned about it. “A Dad that doesn’t want a family anymore.” Johnny huffed.

“Mom take them home now.” Troy told Mom, “Their actual home. I moved their stuff back from Jake’s this morning.”

The kids protested. “I’ve never raised a hand to any of you.” Troy said, “But if this keeps up I can start.”

“Kids, do what he says please.” I said kissing them all goodbye and handing them to Mom to help of my bed.

Mom paraded them all out of the infirmary. Troy and I didn’t speak until they were gone.

“Don’t you ever threaten my children again.” I hissed.

“Why do you care about my children’s safety? Your idiocy killed our baby.” He fired back.

“Why was I so depressed and broken Troy? Why was I in so much pain? Why was I so lost? Why was I so fucked up that I couldn’t even take care of myself asshole? Huh? Who put me in that situation?”

He was silent.

“You promised to never hurt me again… and I believed it. You said you loved me, that you were happy. And silly me I believed it. I believed the man I loved. But you always end up breaking your promises somehow.” I said, beginning to cry again. “you’re right Troy, I am an idiot to believe you could ever love me, ever see me as more than a possession. For believing you could cherish what we were building together as much as I did.”

“I do love you Helen. You are my… everything. This last month without you has been hell. I’m sorry for losing sight of what we have.” Troy said, “You had your time away to pout, but now its time to come home so we can fix this.”

I snorted and dried my tears. “Fat chance. You’re not my husband anymore. I’m not living with you.”

Troy sighed. “Baby, this is my fault, I’ve given you to much authority lately… I still make the rules, what I say still goes, and while I value your input and your help you only have any power because I allow it.” He said coldly, “We’re still married. You’re still my wife, my little queen. You don’t get much of a say in it. We are fixing this marriage, and you are going to be punished for leaving.”

I was fuming, but I was terrified, the look on his face was pure rage. “Haven’t you hurt me enough?”

“I did hurt you. I admit I did you a terrible wrong and put us all in danger.” He said, “I have a lot of trust to gain back from you, our kids, our family and community. Cheating on you is my biggest regret and the whole family has been on my ass about it. But you little girl, you pointed a weapon at me, threatened to stab me, tried do divorce me and ran away to the outpost trying to get away from me. That deserves punishment.”

“Fuck you.” I growled.

“I promise that we wont do that until the medics can be sure that whore didn’t give me anything.” Troy said approaching the bed and grabbing my left hand. He slipped my ring on, but it was too big, so he slipped it on my thumb for now. “By the time that fits on the ring finger again, everything will be alright.” He said, leaning down to kiss me.

When his tongue entered my mouth, I bit him. “My body is for me and my husband.” I growled out.

He laughed and stepped back. “I deserved that!” He then pulled something metal from his pocket and before I could move he was slapping handcuffs on my wrist and connecting them to the bed. “This way you will stay where you belong.”

I looked at my wrist in shock.

“I love you baby. Heal up so you can come home soon.” He said before sauntering out of the infirmary whistling.

* * *

“He’s been seeing another medic to check him for STD signs.” Mom sighed a few evenings later. She had helped me get dressed as best she could and braided my hair for me. I was still wearing the shirt that I was wearing when Troy cuffed me but there was nothing that could be done about that, he wouldn’t give her the keys. “He knows I’ll tell him anything to keep him away from you after what he’s done.”

I sighed in return. “It’s okay Mom.”

As soon as she was done she gave me a hug and kiss. “I’m sorry you’re going through this baby. I was so sure the worst was behind you.”

I shrugged, “Well I know better this time. I’ll protect my heart this time. I was stupid to believe he could love me.”

“No you weren’t baby, we all believed he did.” She argued, “He fooled us all.”

Before I could respond a chorus of ‘Mommy’ filled the infirmary and my children ran to me, each glaring at the cuff before climbing up to hug me.

Troy followed them in. “Mom says you’re clear to leave today!” he smiled making his way over and waiting for the kids to stop greeting me before he uncuffed me and removed the cuffs from the bed. “Are you going to be a good girl Helen, or am I going to need to cuff you to me during the day?”

I glared at him. “I’ll be good.”

He put the cuffs in his pocket. “Excellent! See, I’m not a bad person, am I?”

He got blank stares from all of us in response.

He just smiled. “Lets get to dinner then!” He said helping the little ones off the bed, “Why don’t you and the kids get started Mom? I’ll help Helen.”

Mom nodded and grabbed John and Tessa’s hands, ordering Jacob and Thomas to follow, Troy held his hand out for me to take, I ignored it and got out of bed myself.

He grabbed me by the braid and yanked me towards him. “I think you remember my rule Helen. By the hand or by the hair.”

“I’m sorry.” I cried.

He let go and held his hand out again; I took it this time. “That’s not so hard now is it?”

“No sir.” I said.

He gave me a bright smile, his eyes sparkling. “Now lets get to dinner! Everyone is dying to see you!”

* * *

Later that evening, after we put the kids to bed, Troy led us to his room. I noticed the bed frame and mattress were brand new. Where he found all of that in an apocalypse, I don’t know, but I was glad I didn’t have to sleep in the bed that he cheated on me in.

I also noticed that the headboard had rungs. Fuck. He was going to cuff me while we slept.

“I got your stuff from the outpost. And I picked up a few new things for you, pajamas and clothes.” He said as he made his way to his drawers, “You can get changed for bed, no need to be shy baby.”

I sighed and went to the drawers, seeing that the pajamas he got for me were risqué nightgowns. I didn’t have many other options unless I wanted to wear one of his t-shirts or my regular clothes. I had a feeling that he would be pissed if I didn’t wear what he got me, and I knew a punishment was already headed my way.

I grabbed a pink one, it looked like it would be the least revealing and went to the bathroom to change. I didn’t want him seeing my body. For one, he didn’t have that right in my eyes anymore, and also I was ashamed of it I had lost over 50 pounds in under a month and I didn’t look right in my eyes.

I avoided the mirror; Mom had already made me look at myself extensively the last few days to drill into my brain what I did to my unborn child and myself. I looked half dead, they were right. I needed to take care of myself no matter how broken I felt.

After changing, I noticed how baggy the nightgown was, and started to cry. What had I done? I exited and set my clothing aside then ran into Troy’s arms. I needed someone to hold me and I didn’t care if it was the man who broke me.

“Baby?” he asked.

“I killed our baby.” I cried, “What did I do Troy? I’m a murderer!”

He rubbed my back and shushed me. “We’ll get you better baby, it was my fault too. Mom says you were already at risk of miscarriage because of your blood pressure issues, and what I did didn’t help that. We’ll always remember our little one, but we’ll heal and move forward…okay.”

“Okay.” I sniffled. “I’m sorry I lost our baby.”

“I’m sorry for what I did baby.” He said.

When I calmed down he broke the hug, “Now about your punishment…”

I tensed. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“Oh baby, I know I already tore you to pieces emotionally. It’s not going to be that bad. I’ll let the pointing the gun at me and trying to stab me go. I still have to make sure you know that thinking about divorcing me and running away was wrong.” He said.

“Isn’t losing our baby enough punishment?” I tried to reason.

“No that’s punishment for starving yourself. I promised not to beat you baby… you’re just going to get twenty spankings a night until your ring fits again, and you’ll be cuffed to the bed until I can trust you learned your lesson.”

I sighed, it could be much worse. “Can…Can I wear my ring around my neck on my necklace Troy? It hurts on my thumb.”

He let go of me and opened a drawer, retrieving the necklace, then took my wedding band off my thumb and placed it on the necklace, before fastening my necklace around my neck.

“Good idea baby.” He said kissing my crown and going to sit on his side of the bed. He patted his lap, indicating he wanted me to lay over it. I slowly made my way over and got in position.

“Such a good girl.” He said, “You don’t have to count baby. And if you promise to let me kiss you without biting me before we go to bed, I’ll make it ten.”

“I won’t bite. I promise.” I whimpered.

“Great! Ten it is!” He said with joy and he began to spank me. I counted in my head, and it ended up being fifteen, but I knew he did it to get me to argue with him so he had an excuse to punish me more, so I stayed silent.

When he was done he gently pulled be up to cradle me in his lap. “Such a good girl.” He cooed, tilting my chin up to kiss me. I didn’t fight him.

After, he carried me to my side of the bed, and tucked me in before grabbing the cuffs and cuffing me to the headboard. “Good night Troy.” I said.

“Goodnight Helen.”

* * *

**_many weeks later…_ **

As the kids saw us interacting again and I reassured them that Mommy and Daddy were working things out, the their ‘disrespectful attitudes’ towards Troy lessened. Which was a relief for me because I could see my husbands patience wearing thin with the younger three and he had already snapped and spanked Jakey once. I’m just glad he stopped at a few swats and he didn’t escalate further, and was comforted by the fact he looked more upset over it than Jakey was. Maybe it wouldn’t happen again…

With the special diet Mom and Troy put me on, I had finally gained most of the weight I lost back, and my clothes and ring started to fit again, which meant my nighttime punishment stopped. He stopped cuffing me to the bed a week after he started when I told him my wrist was bruised and my arm was in pain, but threatened to find some ankle cuffs if I tried to leave again. I didn’t dare.

I typically refused to speak to Troy unless he asked a question or we were with the kids, (he told me to make them believe we were happy again so they would stop feeling the need to defend me, so I did to protect them). It was quite the feat not speaking to him now that he insisted I go everywhere with him as long as he was on the ranch, and we always had to be either holding hands or he had his arm around me. Women were having a hard time finding me to address any issues at first until I asked him if we could spend the hour after lunch and the hour before dinner at the schoolhouse so if someone needed help we could help them, he was so happy I talked to him unprompted he said yes without a fight.

Along with the new nightgowns and new clothes he had gotten me bras and panties. Which I shouldn’t be so dammed happy about, but he never allowed me to wear them before, and he was letting me dress how I wanted now. How fucked up was my relationship that I cried and thanked my husband for underwear?

He’d also did little things for me… He’d draw pictures with the kids for me and write little love notes on the pages. He’d tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. He’d tell our kids the story of how he first saw a pissed looking young girl stepping out of an RV and knew he’d love her forever (and he’d make the rest of the story way more romantic and less creepy than it was). Most of his kisses were on my cheek or crown, and he’d ask permission to kiss my mouth. And even though there was a water ration in place because it was drought season, he would draw me a bath once a week and let me soak alone.

He was acting like the perfect husband and father most days. But I wasn’t going to forgive and forget as easily as he thought. If I had a choice, we’d be divorced. But he’s right, I didn’t have a choice. I had forgotten Troy ran the ranch and he basically owned me, we weren’t over until he said so. And I would never be able to think about finding someone new, or he would kill me.

It took two weeks after I moved back home to finally convince him I didn’t revenge cheat on him with any of the guys that were at the outpost. I had to remind him that they were his best friends and best men, and even if he didn’t trust me he should trust them. Then I reminded him that I would never even touch a man I wasn’t married to, and I never did anything to break the trust in our relationship, he did.

Today the teams Troy had sent out to look for supplies, specifically water, were returning. The dry seasons had been getting longer and longer as the years went by and while we would be okay for a while with the reserves we had stored up, it was still a resource we always had to be on the lookout for. We had already raided the surrounding towns for food and water, and we had already emptied the aquifer at Black Hat into our own long ago, we needed to be creative.

The convoy making its way down the road was larger than the one Troy had sent out; we watched it approach while standing at the gate.

I looked up at him skeptically.

“Good news or bad news? What’s your bet?” Troy asked.

“Likely good. Jake and Nate wouldn’t bring bad news home.” I said, Troy had put our brothers and the teams they led in charge of the mission since he wouldn’t leave me alone, we both knew Jake and Nate would die before bringing danger back to the ranch and our families.

“You’re probably right.” Troy shrugged staring at the caravan that had started to line up at the gate. The two of the three trucks and the trailer we had sent out were in the lead and Jake was driving what looked like a water truck, Troy waived them in. It looked like all the men had returned, I hope with supplies.

Also lined up at the gate were four RVs, and three older model trucks full with armed men. From what I could see of the RVs there were women and children crammed into them.

Troy turned to Martin, who was surveying the scene with us. “What do you think Marty?”

“The boys are dumbasses but they wouldn’t bring back more mouths to feed unless they had a damned good reason.”

Troy sighed as if in pain, “Gotta interview them all.” He sighed. “Helen you talk to the women and take a census of the children’s relationship. Marty and I will evaluate the men.”

Troy then saw a man get out of one of the trucks; he was around Jake’s age, probably older and he was grinning at Troy.

“No shit.” Troy said and looked to Jake who was making his way over to us with Nate in tow. I saw the trailer drive towards the pantry and not toward where the vehicles are parked so that at least was a good sign. “Where’d you find him?”

“Mexico of all places.” Jake laughed, “They were trying to get here, got turned around at some point. Ended up camping out at a trading post across the border.”

“Who is that?” I asked.

“Randall Thomas. He and his family used to live here. We grew up together. When we were teens our dads had a falling out, and Randy, his family and a few others went to start a community of their own up north. He’s who I named our Tommy after.” He explained.

Well, you learn something new everyday I suppose.

The man approached the fence with a grin. “Heard the old asshole is dead!” he laughed, “Mine too, got bit in the first week of the shitshow.” Randall had a similar gleam in his eyes as Troy did. Well, that was fine by me; at least he wasn’t likely to fuck this guy in my bed after bonding over killing.

“Damn shame.” Troy laughed walking through the fence and giving his friend a hug. “What do you got behind you?”

“What’s left of my community.” Tom said, “Families mostly. About twenty men and eighteen women and maybe fifteen kids and teens; no elderly we’re all under fifty. The homestead fell last year, first famine then a horde. We packed up what we had and hit the road. I was hoping you’d take us in. Lost a ton of good people along the way, but I didn’t know where else to go.”

Troy nodded, “Glad you could make it… is everyone the right sort?” He asked. I couldn’t believe he was still on his racist bullshit but it was going strong.

“Of course.” Randall said offended. “Dad and I only let the right sort on the homestead. And all the men have either military experience or were trained since boys like us. All the women and kids can defend themselves too.”

Troy nodded before turning to Jake and Nate. “Supplies?”

“Along the way we scavenged some towns, got water and clothes and blankets. We traded the beef we brought for the full water truck, there’s this dam down there full of water.” Jake said, “With the fuel and one of our trucks we traded at the trading post for seeds, dry food, medical supplies and ammo. Pretty good haul. Found this asshole yelling at some guys in the trading post about directions.”

Randall groaned. “Maps work for shit when all the roads are crammed with dead or dead cars, we had to take back roads, took us for fucking ever.”

“What kinda supplies are you bringing in?” I asked.

Tom looked at me, “Well aren’t you cute…” he said, licking hips lips.

“And married Tom.” Troy said, “Helen Otto. My wife, answer her question.”

“Oh don’t worry Troy, I’m a married man too.” Tom laughed pointing to a blonde who had gotten out of the lead RV who looked to be in her later twenties holding hands with a young boy. “That’s Layla and Caleb. My family.”

I waived to them. “Now I believe I asked a question…”

Randall laughed, and looked at me up and down before responding “ _Yes mam_ n. Besides personal belongings for everyone, we have about a year of fuel reserves, weapons of all varieties, food to feed my group for a year or two more, some tents, what is left of our medical supplies and a ton of stuff we scavenged along the way.”

“Jakey, Natey, start taking inventory of their supplies and have your teams put them away.” Troy ordered. “Marty you can help me interview and take census of the men. We’ll assign them to militia teams as we meet them.” He then handed his radio to me, “Ask Mom to come help you talk to the women and children. And fill them in on the community rules while you speak to them, I want to be sure all of their men will follow.”

I nodded and grabbed the radio, calling for Mom to come to the front.

After I handed Troy his radio back Randall spoke again. “Jake filled us in on how you run this place when we met up. Everyone agreed to your rules before we left.”

Troy nodded. “Great.”

“Troy…” I spoke up, “This makes our water issue more urgent.”

“Not necessarily.” Randall said, “Like Jake said, there's a damn full of water where we were at… we could take what we need once we get everyone working well together.”

Troy’s eyes gleamed. “Fantastic!”

I rolled my eyes, and went to start talking to the women as soon as Mom arrived with the notebook I asked her to bring that held the list of community members. The guys talked for a moment longer and then joined Martin.

* * *

All the people in Randall’s group I interviewed were just glad to not be on the road anymore. I learned some of the women had lost husbands along the way but quickly paired themselves with to single militia members for safety. All of the kids were older than seven, born before the world ended. This group didn’t have any trained doctors or medics, so they had been afraid to get pregnant. Randall’s son was the youngest; he had been born in a hospital just before the shit hit the fan.

As we interviewed them, we assigned the women and children jobs on the ranch, as there were only a few kids that were young enough to be attending school. We told the older teen boys that they would be have to work in the militia, and the older teen girls that they might be married off either to a peer or a single man that had recently lost his wife, they all understood, as Randall had already told them Troy’s rules.

After we interviewed all the women and children and noted which men they belonged to, we started assigning them living spaces. We had six empty RVs, two empty cabins and three bunkhouses available and they had four RVs and five tents so we had to do some maneuvering. Ten families were given RVs. The Thomas family was assigned a cabin, and so was one of the larger families that had four kids. The married couples with no children shared one of the bunkhouses or opted for their own tent. I then assigned all the single men (and older boys that didn’t want to live with their parents) to another bunkhouse.

It took the rest of the day, but by dinner everyone was settled in and Troy had approved of the job assignments and living arrangements I had sorted.

“There isn’t enough housing, or young women, to marry off the unmarried men. Or for all the married couples to have their own space.” I told him.

“We’ll hold off on marrying the teen girls for now.” He said, “We’ll go scavenging soon for more building materials or RVs…maybe we’ll find some women along the way?”

“This is a big population boom.” I said, “Can we support it?”

He grinned. “I think we can, especially if this plan to take the dam works. We added twenty-five new militia members today, fiftyish people to our community. We’ve more than replaced the ones we’ve lost since this started. I think this will make us stronger. Randy seems more than willing to step down as a leader, and his men are willing to follow me so I don’t anticipate a power struggle. They had it tough on the road with that many people, but they had safety in numbers.”

I nodded. “I still can’t believe that many of them survived the journey. Layla said they lost half their group along the way.”

“To the living and the dead.” Troy nodded.

“So everyone’s story lines up? There's nothing fishy going on here?” I asked, “A few of the women…especially Layla... seemed terrified.”

“I’ve got my eye on the guys.” Troy said, “Assigned them all to existing teams, and Randy’s joining mine. I know a few of them from when they lived here before, but the strangers I’m wary of…”

I nodded, “I’ll have the others keep an eye out too.” I told him, “None of them can work unsupervised yet anyway.”

He pulled me into a hug. “Today was a good day”.

When we made it to dinner I realized extra tables and benches were pulled out of storage (we put many away as the population dwindled) and some picnic blankets were laid out for people to sit and eat. “I think we’re going to make the dining area and meeting area bigger a priority.”

Troy laughed. “That’s a good thing baby.”

I didn’t realize until after we sat down with our family that I had been talking to him for a few hours about the newcomers and hadn’t thought about him being a cheating asshole once. I had even kept conversation going.

* * *

**_over a week later…_ **

A lot of work had been done since the Thomas group arrived. The gardens were expanded, as were the dining and meeting area and the ranch was bustling with activity most days. It was a good time at Broke Jaw Ranch.

So when we woke up in the middle of the night to screams of fire it came as a shock. Nothing like that had happened since Russell and Martha, we tried to use solar power as much as possible and had safety precautions for everything else.

We arrived at Randall and Layla’s cabin to find it up in smoke, Randall and Caleb were in front and a bruised and bleeding Caleb was crying for his mom. The flames had consumed the structure; there was no sense using water, especially during a drought.

I heard smashing of glass when I arrived and ran around to the side to find Layla lying on the ground hands tied and a gag in her mouth. She looked terrified. Half of her body was burnt and melted beyond anything human and I couldn’t figure out how she was still alive.

Troy was on at my side as I was untying and un-gagging her. “Randall?” was all he asked.

She nodded. “He wants Helen. And the ranch.” She coughed, “I figured it out, so I had to die.”

I sniffed the air. “She’s covered in gas.” I said before radioing for medical.

Troy swore, “You stay with her, don’t leave her side.”

I nodded and he left with that gleam in his eyes.

* * *

Layla ended up dying a few hours after we got her to the infirmary. She was able to tell Caleb she loved him before she went and I covered the boy’s eyes as Troy killed her zombie body.

“Cal, you know why your Dad is in militia custody right?” Troy asked while cleaning his knife.

“Dad beat me and Mom. I passed out. When I came to the house was on fire and Mom wasn’t with us. He wanted her dead. He wants you dead too. Says you don’t know how to run a community because you’re a pussy and let your woman have too much say.”

Troy laughed. “How many of your Dad’s men feel that way?”

Caleb shrugged, “I just heard him, Paul and Trent talk about it. I think he said everyone else was to much of a pussy to go against you… Do I have to live with him? Mom said Dad and some of the men we were on the road with aren’t good men; good men don’t beat their kids and women black and blue. You know that they killed the sick kids and pregnant women? Mom said that wouldn’t have happened in the old world.”

I gasped and pulled the boy into a hug. “Troy, can we take him in? He needs good parents…I hope you’re killing these assholes.”

“What do you say Cal? Want to be our son now?” Troy asked.

“Yes Sir.” Caleb said, and I finally let him out of my hug.

“Well Caleb Otto, wanna come with your old man and watch him execute some traitors and murderers?” Troy said with a grin.

“Yes…Dad.” Caleb said.

“Atta boy.” Troy praised, rustling the boys’ hair, “Hel can you get some stuff together for our new son? Maybe ask some of the guys to move a bunk bed into the boys room so Caleb can bunk with his brothers?”

I nodded. “Are you sure he should be seeing what’s about to happen…”

“I need to know he’s gone Mom.” Caleb said and he took Troy’s hand when it was offered.

I watched the two of them leave the infirmary and took a deep breath before rushing off to get the items my new son needed and to tell my other kids about their new brother.

* * *

It took a few days to get used to having five kids.

The boys loved having another brother and loved him sharing their room, Caleb was even developing a personality besides the quiet and afraid boy we had known the last week, he was a bit mischievous.

Tessa was livid at first for getting another brother and was demanding a sister right away, but she soon starting to warm up to Caleb as he would help me read her a story every night.

Troy was practically preening after he killed Randall those loyal to him. He bragged to the whole community about his new son being the one to kill the resurrected corpses of the traitors. The way Caleb looked at Troy…well at least my other sons were Momma’s boys… Caleb was all about Troy.

It was hard for me to raise five kids while still having to be at my husbands side all damned day, but I was getting a hold of it. I already loved Caleb as if he were my own, and maybe that had to do with the baby I had lost, but I cared for him as much as I did for Jacob, Tommy, Johnny and Tessa. Mom, Macy and Mara were a help as always, and it also helped that all the kids were school aged. Once they start learning trades I don’t know how I’m going to keep track of them.

Things started to get good again. And the more time I spent with Troy and the kids, and the more little gestures I’d notice from my husband the more the pain of him cheating on me dulled.

It was still there, I was still angry, but he was trying his best to apologize.

He was my husband, the only one I would get, and he really was trying to be a good man for our family and community. He wasn’t a bad person.

“Troy?” I asked rolling over one night after we had gone to bed.

“What baby?” He asked.

“Did you ever get the all clear from the medics? To you know…”

I felt him shift in bed, “I’m as clean as they can tell, but he said there's no way of knowing for sure these days…”

I knew that, they couldn’t test for shit these days, just look for outward signs. “Do you feel clean enough to start trying to make it up to me?”

He was on top of me in an instant. “Have you forgiven me baby?”

“No.” I said, “I never will. You destroyed me… But I’m willing to try to move on.”

He kissed me then, “I promise to never do that again baby.” He said when he came up for air.

“Don’t make promises Troy.” I begged, “It makes it hurt more when you break them”

“Baby I-“

“ _Troy, we have a huge fucking problem.”_ Nate’s voice said over the walkie, breaking our moment.

Troy rolled off me and grabbed the walkie. “This better be fucking good Natey-poo.” Troy growled.

“ _Huge fucking horde_.” Nate said, “ _We got a huge fucking horde approaching the outpost…like thousands._ ”

Troy and I both shot out of bed. “Get your asses back here now.” He said before turning to me. “I got to draw them away from us.”

I nodded, “Code Red?” I asked, not knowing if it was even worth it with a horde that huge.

He nodded and I grabbed for my radio. “ _This is Boss Lady. Code Red. No time at all_.” I repeated three times. When all the women copied I sent the same message on the main walkie signal. It would take less time to round everyone up because it was night time but I wasn’t sure if the plans we had made for the event of a horde would even work for one that huge.

We knew one would come one day, so we planned for half the militia to draw the horde away from us, and the other half to with put down the stragglers. But that was for a horde of one or two hundred…

I ran upstairs and grabbed the kids out of bed as Troy geared up. I made the boys run ahead and I carried Tessa (who was a heavy sleeper), when I returned to the main floor the boys had their boots on were tucking their knives in their waists and shouting to their father good luck and they loved him (I had ordered them to go right to the pantry and not distract their father).

I quickly put on Tessa’s boots and mine and make sure Tessa had her knife before returning to my bedroom to throw on one of Troy’s jackets over my nightgown and grab my weapons and walkie.

Troy was finished at the same time I was. “I love you.” He said as he steeled himself for what was about to happen.

“I love you too.” I told him, “I mean it Troy. I love you.”

He nodded and kissed Tessa and I on our crowns before leaving.

“Come back to us…” I whispered before running out the back toward the pantry.


	7. think twice...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troy faces the horde, his family, and his people.
> 
> warning!- Troy is narrating...heavy racism, sexism and violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in two days? huh?
> 
> well, i was forced to quit my job this week and now dark place i found myself lends itself well to writing this fic....I'm going to try to take a break from this one until i finish my originals fic but I might not if my mood doesn't change. idk yet.
> 
> title from eve 6's song "think twice" (old song, i may be showing my age here) because it has the kinda creepiness that this version of Troy gives off.
> 
> yeah, theres a lot of troy narration in this chap. i hope i did him justice.

6: think twice…

**_troy otto pov…_ **

It didn’t take long for all my men to assemble in front of the ranch waiting instructions we were just waiting on Natey and Dan at this point to return from the outpost with Intel.

I hadn’t planned for a horde this large, but I should’ve. It was the natural progression of the world. Evolution. We had dealt with the smaller groups no problem; a new challenge was needed to see who was fit to survive in the new world.

_“All non-militia accounted for and locked down. Ruth, Anne, Charlene and Mary should be there soon.”_ Came Helen’s voice on the radio.

“If I go down Helen, you run this place.” I told her on the walkie before repeating to my men, “You hear that? If I go down, my wife runs the ranch.”

“Yes Sir.” They chorused.

_“Troy…”_ Helen protested.

I ignored her, she was the only one I trusted to be able to do what needed to be done, or at least order it to happen. Our brothers were to soft, and Marty was getting up there in age. I had been grooming Helen for years to have the ruthlessness needed to survive in this world when I wasn’t around, and her instincts as a mother only helped. She could do this, at least until one of our sons were ready to take over.

“Radio silence from the pantry unless there is an emergency.” I ordered.

When Nate’s truck pulled up I raised my eyebrow at him and Dan. “Did you stop to sight see or some shit Natey?”

“Drove as fast as we could.” Nate said as he and Dan took their positions in the ranks.

“Heading?” I asked.

“If they stay on the path we last saw them, they’ll be here in maybe a day or a day and a half? If they move like they were moving… they were just coming into our sight when Nate called. Saw them through the binoculars.” Dan supplied.

Shit.

“We’re going to need more than fifty-fifty coverage for this…” I said as the militia women arrived and got into position.

“Ladies, you’re reporting to Marty.” I told them, “Marty I’m leaving your team, Jake’s team and Nate’s team to defend the ranch from any stragglers and guard the pantry. Try to use silent weapons, the rest of us are going to be making some noise…”

They all gasped. I was only leaving three of my twenty teams to protect our families, but I needed all the men I could to corral this damn horde where it needed to go. No one dared to protest my command, they knew I’d kill anyone that questioned my orders in a crisis like this one, so the three teams fell back and Marty, Natey and Jakey began to divide up responsibilities among their people.

“Tony, Alex, Rob, Jack, Sam and Chris…your teams take the western flank. Will, Hank, Dave, Ethan, Ron and Drew your teams take the eastern flank. Ryan, Colt, Nick, Hunter and My teams will be making the noise out front leading the fuckers away..” I said, “we’ll lead them towards Mexico. Load up. We roll out in five.”

“Yes Sir.” They chorused and went to their vehicles. The guys on the flanks would be in the armored vehicles we took from the base for the most part. They were going to try to keep the horde going in one direction and pick off any stragglers they saw. They would probably be the safest. My guys and the other teams up front would be in trucks using rocket launchers to get the dead to follow us.

I loaded up my truck and got in the truck bed. I wasn’t going to ask my men to risk their own safety if I wasn’t willing to. Jimmy got in the cab to drive and Coop was in the passenger's seat. The rest of my guys were in Joe’s truck with Owen in the truck bed.

“Noise makers…when we get in position, blast your music too.” I said in the walkie.

“ _Even if it’s my gangsta rap_?” Blake asked over the radio.

I looked over at the truck next to me and flicked him off. “The Infected have no taste either Blakey, they might like it as much as you do.” I yelled to him.

“I got some Metallica in here Troy.” Joe yelled, “you wont have to hear Blakey’s shit while we do this.”

I picked up my radio. “Roll out.” I ordered, and Jimmy and Blake pulled out of the gate and all the other vehicles followed.

I hope this fucking works. My home and family depended on it working. All my men’s families were counting on us. My wife and children needed a safe place to live, and they needed me still.

It was probably a bad move on my part to get so attached to Helen and breed babies on her during the apocalypse. But I had plans for her before this happened and when the world ended I didn’t want to squash them, I just sped up my timeline and changed the how I would get her to be mine. I didn’t regret building a family that was all mine, or bringing our extended family together, but it was dangerous to have these sentimental feelings when any day someone you cared for could die.

It’s probably why Diana got under my skin so fucking easily. The bitch. I wanted to try to rid myself of my feelings for my wife, so if she were to die, it wouldn’t hurt me. But all I did was make her hate me, almost kill herself, and kill our baby. So that didn’t fucking work at all.

What I felt for Helen and the kids terrified me. I never felt a feeling this intense before. I knew it must be love, people kept talking about it all the time, but this was different than what I felt for my brother, or what I had come to feel for Natey, Mom, Marty, Macy, Mara and my nieces and nephews… I felt like if my wife and kids were gone I wouldn’t be able to live anymore. When Helen left the house and took the kids to Jake’s I felt incomplete and hurt…I hadn’t felt that low since my mother got sick. I hated the feeling. And when they were back, the hurt and hate in my family’s eyes was just as bad. I had done that; I had broken my family because of being afraid of my feelings.

So I did everything I could to repair it. It was hard work but the kids were finally happy with me again, the extended family wasn’t glaring at me, and Helen finally wanted to start making love with me again. So of course after everything was finally fucking fixed a fucking horde came to try to mess it up for me.

Fuck that shit.

* * *

It took two days of slow driving to get the fuckers to go where I wanted them to. My men and I fell back and watched the horde destroy our target and begin to continue south.

I figured since we were out we’d kill two birds with one horde. We led most of it to the trading post Jakey had told me about and blew holes in their gates and walls for the infected to get in and out, and we led some of the horde to the dam, being careful to not blow a hole in the dam itself. If the Infected took out all the people it would be pretty damn easy to pillage all their supplies and water.

And if we killed some blacks and browns in the process? Well that was good day in my book.

It took most of a night for the horde to work its way through our targets. I sent most of the men to the former trading post to take everything they could and the rest of us went to the dam. Oh and wasn’t it a coincidence that one of Alex’s men was driving the empty water truck? Yeah, this had been my plan since I heard the word horde.

We filled all the water trucks the place had left and took them with us before meeting up with the rest of the guys. We then used the fuel they took to refuel all our vehicles before helping to load up the rest of the supplies they found.

“ _Boss we found a couple live ones_ _that fit our criteria._ ” Tony said on the radio. “ _eight women, three men all together. Do you want me to dispose of them like I did the ones that didn’t fit?_ ”

“No, bring them to the rendezvous point.” I said, “I’ll interview them on the way and dispose of them if they aren’t a good fit.”

We did need women after all. And even though none of my men had died on this trip, we always needed more militia members; I hadn’t replaced Randall and his men yet…

I saw about fifteen RVs coming my way. Excellent we needed those too. This was a great mission. Water, food, people, RVs, clothes, fuel, weapons, medical supplies and so much other shit you needed in the apocalypse. By the end of the day we had picked the trading post clean. We had already started storing shit in a locked semi next to the pantry; we would probably fill another one with this haul. I would have to make a pit stop at one of the superstores on the way home and get one and a lock for it.

I ordered my men to pair off in all the vehicles and to sleep in shifts. We were going to drive through the night until we got home. We had just enough men to do this because the teams that were on the flanks of the horde had at least two snipers in each vehicle in addition to the driver and the passenger sniper, and a most of the RVs had hitches we could attach trucks to. We wouldn’t have to leave anything of value behind, or have anyone go without sleep. We’d still be living off of protein bars and military rations until we got home, but at least we’d be able to rest.

We tied up the new people and put them in the back of my truck. I opted not to sleep while Coop drove so I could interview them all and see who they would match with in our community. It was a tight fit for now but either I’d start killing people who didn’t agree to the rules or I’d get in the cab of the truck when I was finished interviewing.

By the time the sun went down we were on our way home.

“Hello all. My names Troy.” I said as I took my place in the truck bed, they all rearranged themselves and I saw a few women sit of the mens laps, and one girl was holding on to a man and woman like it was the end of the world or something. Good, couples were easier to integrate in; I never tried to integrate a family that wasn’t from the Thomas homestead but why not try it? The girl looked old enough to marry off soon anyway. “Now what were nice folks like you doing in a place like this?”

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

Jake had called the Code Green a few days ago when he was sure the horde wasn’t turning back and another wasn’t on its way, but the rest of the militia still hadn’t returned.

“ _Huge convoy approaching Boss Lady.”_ Came from Greg in the guardhouse on the afternoon of the fourth day since Troy left.

I ran to the gates, the kids hot on my heels, and we got there in time to see the gates open and the convoy drive in. Trucks, a semi and water trucks went towards the pantry, armored vehicles went to the parking area, and RVs went toward the RV village. Troy’s truck went to park in front of our house.

The kids and I ran to the truck and by the time Troy got out of the car and Coop was helping some strangers out of the bed, we arrived. The kids tackled him screaming ‘Daddy’ in joy that he was alive.

He laughed, hugged and kissed them all before they let him up. I gave him no time to breathe before I jumped in his arms.

I gave myself a moment of relief before I got down to business and broke the embrace. “How many did we lose?”

“Zero.” He grinned cockily, “We’re up ten people and a shit ton of supplies.”

I raised my eyebrow…how the fuck had he managed that?

“I’ll tell you later.” He told me, “I have marriages to perform, and housing to assign. Can you make sure the pantry gets put away good? I got us more storage.” He said handing me a padlock and key.

I nodded. “See you at dinner?”

“Hell yes you will.” He grinned, “And I’ll smell better by then too.”

I laughed. “I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Don’t worry Tessie did for you.” he laughed.

I looked down at my daughter who was grinning up at us innocently with the Otto sparkle in her eyes. “What?” She asked.

“That was not nice Tessa.”

“So?” She said, “It's true.” The boys laughed.

I rolled my eyes and looked at my husband. “That there is your fault. I don’t have that attitude.”

Troy raised his eyebrow and grinned, “You’re welcome. Come on kids you can catch Dad up on what’s been happening while he works.” He told the kids as he walked away, signaling for Coop and the newcomers to follow him. Our sons trailed after him immediately. Tessa looked disgusted.

“Don’t you want to go hang out with Daddy? You missed him didn’t you?”

“Mommy, will I have to be married when I’m her age?” She asked, pointing to the youngest of the newcomers, she was maybe fifteen.

“Yes. If your Daddy says so.” I told her, I didn’t want to lie to her.

She huffed. “I hate being a girl. I don’t want to have to get married.”

I leaned down to pick her up and cuddled her. “Mommy didn’t either baby. Not many of us do these days. But we have to follow your Daddy’s rules.” Tessa started to cry. “But that wont happen for you for a very long time okay? And Mommy will make sure Daddy makes a good match for you.”

“Okay Mommy.” She said, “Can I stay with you today? I’m mad at Daddy and I don’t want him to notice.”

“Of course.” I was mad at Troy too. Our little girl was barely four and already noticed how differently she would be treated when she got older, and she was scared of it.

There had to be a way to make sure my daughter was safe when she got married and not go against my husband’s laws…there had to be… Luckily I had at least a decade before Troy started thinking about it to form a plan and plant the seeds.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

After successfully marrying the last of the single adults, and assigning the newlyweds (and the couples that had been living in the bunkhouse and tents) RVs I went home, sent the boys to the playroom and went to my room, shed my bloody uniform and showered.

It was a damn shame that one woman wasn’t willing to marry someone in the community, but setting an example with her for the other newcomers helped them all agree to the community rules. I brought enough women back that now no one over sixteen was single.

I ended up marrying off the fifteen year old, only because her mom said ‘absolutely not’ when I mentioned the possibility and her husband had to shut her up before she got acquainted with my knife too. I had been considering leaving the girl be for a while until her mom opened her trap. I was giving her to a sixteen year old named Jonah from the Thomas group, he was an okay kid, probably more afraid of her than she was of him, but he’d take care of her. I was giving them both until tomorrow to get to know each other, them both being so young.

After Layla I had to stress to everyone how important of a resource women were in this world, and yes sometimes they needed discipline but if I saw or heard of any excessive bruising, broken bones or infirmary visits from their wives they would be killed and their wives married to someone that would appreciate them.

Because yes, there weren’t any single adults now, but there would be; people age, and people died so if they wanted to keep what I allowed them to have they better treat the people in their care right.

After getting dressed in my civvies, I headed up to the playroom to grab the boys. They were playing with their cousins; well my sons and Noah were coaching Mason on how to walk while my nieces were rolling their eyes and rocking baby Lara.

I looked around… “Why are the ten of you unsupervised? And where the hell is Tessa?”

Megan shrugged, “Daddy said we had to come here because him and Mommy had a special meeting before dinner. Auntie Mara and Grandma were here but they left when you came home to help pass out dinner. Grandma said you could handle us.”

“Tessie has been glued to Auntie Helly all day.” Marley told me with a sigh, “She’s been crying, I tried to cheer her up…”

I looked down at my nieces, the three of them who weren’t infants looked like they were going to cry all of a sudden. “What has Tessa crying girls? Same thing that has you sad?”

They nodded. “We knew about it.” Jade said, “I figured it out a few months ago and had to spend the day with my mommy too. Tessie just realized today.”

“What?” my boys chorused confused.

Megan sighed, as if we were a bother to her, “In a few years, Uncle Troy will marry us off to people we don’t want to marry and they might be mean to us. And there's nothing we can do about it.” She said tightening her grip on her little cousin, “Its just one of the reasons it’s a curse to be born a girl. I’m going to dinner.” She finished before leaving the playroom, Marley and Jade following her.

I hadn’t realized that my views on women’s roles had impacted my nieces and daughter so negatively. Why couldn’t they see that it was a good thing for a woman to be married and protected when they approached adulthood? That it was for their safety.

“Will you marry them to someone who will be mean to them Dad?” Caleb asked.

I shook my head, “Never. They’re Ottos boys. Family has to be protected. By the time they’re old enough to marry I’ll have it all figured out.” I reassured.

“Can’t we protect them Dad?” Jakey asked, “That way we know their husbands would be good to them!”

Oh the innocence of youth! But…that was genius…I mean I would probably have to talk to the other adults in the family first but it might work… “I’ll think about that Jakey. It’s a good idea. Now who wants dinner?”

Noah, Tommy and Johnny bolted out of the room as soon as I said dinner; I laughed and grabbed Mason from where he tumbled to the floor after his cousins ran away and followed out the door, hearing Cal and Jakey behind me.

We got to the line to get trays and my oldest boys were chatting behind me, and the other Otto boys were way ahead of us, already getting food. Mason was bouncing up and down in my arms. I looked to our normal table to see most of the family already seated, Jake saw me and held up a toddler plate.

I set Mason down, “Your Daddy has your dinner.” I pointed to where the family sat and Jake was standing. “Can you make it all the way there?”

Mason looked at the distance with the Otto determination and practically ran his way to the tables the family sat at. Macy and Jake tossed him in the air and kissed him when he made it there safely.

Jakey sighed, “Well I guess at least he can run…”

I laughed, “Walking will come soon.”

“Who is that with Mom?” Cal asked, changing the subject still looking towards our family table.

Helen was laughing as Greg, a man Marty’s age, hugged her and twirled her around.

“That’s Mr. Greg remember?” Jakey said, “Dad married him to that lady Grandma’s age today. His last wife had cancer and died a while ago. He’s been lonely. After his wife died he used to come sit with Mom at the schoolhouse and talk about his wife and how much he missed her. He hasn’t been able to much lately because Mom’s always with Dad.”

Rage boiled while I went through the line. Helen was hugging a man that wasn’t family, that was against her rules typically. She was smiling at him so warmly and genuinely…I don’t know if she’s ever done that for me. And her laugh, I could hear it from across the dining area…I never made her that happy.

Was the bitch cheating on me? After all I’ve done to make it up to her for cheating on her? After all I’ve done for her since we met?

When boys and I arrived at the table Greg was gone but my mood was getting worse. It helped that Helen smiled at me when I sat next to her and put her hand on my thigh and head on my shoulder.

“I missed you.” She told me.

“Did you? Seemed pretty cozy with Greg. I know how you like older men.”

She looked at me like I had just slapped her and the table quieted. She removed her head from my shoulder and her hand from my thigh. “I was just congratulating him on his marriage. He’s been so lost since Kay died, he’s really grateful to have a companion again.”

Was it really her damned bleeding heart? Or was she cheating on me? One of the reasons I had her glued to my side since she came back from the outpost is I didn’t trust her not to cheat. All the guys thought my wife was hot (and her running around in nothing but a lace nightgown and my jacket the other night didn’t help), I could see it when they looked at her, none of them would dare touch her, but if they had her permission a few might be willing to risk death for a shot at her.

I knew she only had eyes for me; I was all she ever knew. I made sure of that since she came here: I beat any asshole that talked about asking her to take a ride in his truck, I made sure she worked in the gardens where there were rarely any men, I made it pretty clear since after my first conversation with her that if any of my men touched her they would die a painful death and I killed her precious _Javi_. But even if she didn’t have eyes for another, didn’t mean she wouldn’t cheat on me to get back at me for hurting her…

“Troy.” Jake said, “You’re over thinking things again. Helen loves you. All she’s been able to talk about since you left was you coming home and how much she and the kids missed you.”

Jake was right. Helen wasn’t like me. She wasn’t thinking about revenge for what I did. I had to train any vengeance and ruthlessness she had into her. She would never direct any of it towards me unless I was hurting the kids or I had turned.

We hadn’t had sex in six months, since the night before we brought that spy bitch back, maybe I was just jealous that fucking Greg had gotten closer to my wife then she wanted me to be in a long ass time.

“You’re right.” I said, putting my arm around my wife in a side hug and squeezing her, she tensed but didn’t fight it. “I’m just exhausted baby.”

“It’s okay.” She said softly. Her smile was gone, so I knew it wasn’t okay, I knew I had ruined the night and she was scared of me now, of what we were going to do when we were alone.

Shit. Was I the asshole here? I never acted towards Helen like my dad or her dad did to our mothers but that look in her eyes sometimes looked the same. I thought I was being a good husband all these years, but maybe what I was doing was the same or worse?

I wasn’t sure I was able to stop hurting her the way I had been, because I wasn’t entirely sure what I had done to give her that look in her eyes…had it always been there? And I sure as shit wasn’t letting her go, or letting some other asshole get his hands on her. This woman was mine since the day she stepped foot on this ranch.

I almost wished the world hadn’t ended when it did, maybe my plan of an actual courtship, wearing her down until she grew to like me and getting her knocked up before she was eighteen and could leave the ranch would have been better for us that this way…

But this was the life we had, and I had to find a way to make her happy with it again.

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

After we all read Tessa a story, Troy wanted to tuck her in alone. Which was odd, he was usually hands off with bedtime but tonight he was all about it, even helped Caleb and Jakey read and do character voices.

The boys climbed in their bunks and I gave them all a kiss before returning to Tessa’s room.

“…What I’m trying to say baby is when it is time for you to marry…a very very long time from now, Daddy is going to make sure you and your cousins are safe and happy. Ok? I get you’re scared but you don’t have to worry, you Otto girls are going to be the most looked after princesses in the whole world.” I heard Troy say as i approached the doorway.

“Okay Daddy.” Tessa said holding up her pinky, “Pinky promise me. Its impossible to break a pinky promise. Mommy says so.”

I giggled from my spot in the doorway and they both turned to glare at me for interrupting their moment. Tessa may have more of my features than the boys did but she was the perfect mix of Troy and I.

Troy took Tessa’s pinky and said, “I promise that Megan, Marley, Jade, Tessa and Lara Otto, an any other Otto girls yet to be born, will be matched with boys that the feel safe with and can be happy with.”

Tessa grinned and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Thank you Daddy. Now please tuck me in and go make me a sister.”

This time I outright snorted and Troy simply laughed while tucking our youngest in and kissing her. He made his way to the door and kissed my crown. “Why don’t you go get ready for bed, I have to say goodnight to the boys.”

I nodded, making my way to kiss Tessa before going downstairs to our room to get dressed for bed.

Did he even want me dressed? Was I getting a punishment? Were we going to make love sweetly or fuck viciously because of his jealousy? Was I in trouble?

I went with my underwear, bra and the t-shirt of his I’d been wearing the last few nights. Deciding that if he was going to punish me I wanted to be somewhat covered. I then climbed in bed myself, exhausted from the emotions of the last few hours, never mind this whole day.

Troy entered as soon as I got settled and started to undress. He usually slept nude and kept his pants by the bed in case of an emergency. So he shed his clothes until he got to his side of the bed and hopped in. I huffed at the trail of clothes from the doorway to the bed but said nothing. It wasn’t worth the argument, I never won and he was already mad at me.

He turned over on his side to face me. “I’m sorry for the way I acted at dinner.”

I turned to face him in surprise. “You are? You’re not mad at me?”

“No, Jake’s right. You love me, and you’re not like me. You would never do any of the things I’ve done to you to me.” He sighed, “I don’t deserve you.”

I sighed in relief and scooted closer to him so I could wrap my arms around him. “I love you.” I told him

He hugged me back. “I love you too Helen.” Soon he had his hands under my shirt and was pulling it off me. “I believe we were in the middle of something before the horde.”

“I don’t remember…” I said grinning up at him.

He kissed me and as he did so his hands made their way into my panties. He laughed, “Seems to me like you remember perfectly where we left off.” He said before taking them off and beginning to finger me while glaring at my bra. “Get that thing off now or you’re not allowed to wear them anymore.”

I took it off with a laugh and leaned over to kiss him. He eventually maneuvered us so he was on top and soon he was groaning. “Baby, it’s been too long. I’m sorry this might be to quick.”

I couldn’t help but think it had been longer for me than him, but I knew that might bring a side of him I was afraid of so I settled on, “It’s okay. There's always round two. Make love to me Troy.”

He did his best to make it good, to make it loving, to make it the slow sensual fucking I wanted, but it ended up being more like when we were first married; it was hard, it was fast and he didn’t make me cum. It felt okay enough but I didn’t cum. The sad part was I didn’t know women could come until I was pregnant with Jakey and I did for the first time. If I was still that Helen, the girl who didn’t know what an orgasm was, I’d think that this was an okay time.

But I didn’t orgasm and Troy knew it, so when he came down he pulled out and starting rubbing my clit frantically with his thumb while his longer fingers went to find _that spot_ inside of me and his other hand and his mouth tugged on my nipples. He played my body like his own personal musical instrument until I screamed his name and he felt me spasm around his fingers.

“Good girl.” He praised, kissing me and rolling over to his side and taking me with him to lay in his arms.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

The next morning I was practically skipping to breakfast. The kids trailing behind Helen and I when I heard crying from the other side of my house and a vicious laugh, I signaled for Helen and the kids to stay where they were and I went to investigate.

I found Jonah beating the girl he was to marry this morning, Sara, viciously, kicking her while she lay in the dirt begging him to stop. “I’ll make you less willful and spirited, mold you like Troy did to his whore into the perfect woman.” The kid said.

“Would you like to call my wife name to my face?” I asked.

Jonah stopped what he was doing and Sara scrambled away. “I’m sorry sir, she said she didn’t want to sit with me at breakfast. I didn’t mean to call your wife that, I just meant that Sara should be a good wife like Helen.”

I nodded. “I see. Now what was my rule about how we treat women Jonah?”

He looked shocked. “I thought that was just something you said to make the women feel better. That’s what Randy said.”

And here I thought I had weeded out all the bad seeds from the Thomas group?

“Does anyone else feel that way?” I asked.

“Just some of the guys that I came with, the guys in my unit say you’re serious. I figured they were just pulling my leg. Bitches are bitches.”

I took out my gun and walked over to Sara, she flinched but calmed down when she noticed that I was handing it to her. “He broke the law. He’s supposed to be protecting you from this world not beating you. You have the right to shoot him, not kill him though.”

She looked at me in amazement, but didn’t hesitate again after I nodded. Jonah protested, kept apologizing but that didn’t save him. She shot him in the leg, the one he was kicking her with. What a girl!

My family came running at the gunshot. “Sara, we’ll wait until someone that will treat you right can marry you. Helen can you and the kids take her to the infirmary?”

My family looked in shock for two seconds, Tessa was the first to smile at me and skip over to Sara. “My Grandma should be there, she’ll make you all better Ms Sara!”

Helen ran over to Sara and helped her up, handed me back my gun and lead Sara towards the infirmary. Most of my kids trailed behind her.

Caleb and Jacob stayed. I knew they would. They wanted to be around for every decision; they wanted to learn how to run this place. Maybe it was time to give them extra lessons on top of the survival lessons I was giving all my kids?

I grabbed Jonah and dragged his ass all the way to the dining area where we had an eight-foot pole with an arm that I had built for this purpose. It had been a long time since I had to hang someone for beating a woman (Randy I had just outright killed); maybe everyone needed reminding what happens to those who don’t listen to the rules.

Everyone grew silent as I put cuffs on Jonah. “I was very clear on how women and children should not be treated.” I told the gathered crowd as put his head through the noose. “It seems that everyone, especially you boys from the Thomas group need to see what happens to those who break the rules.” I said as I threw the other end of the rope over the arm and yanked.

I didn’t need help hoisting the fucker; he was tiny. It didn’t take long for him to die, but I tied the rope to the pole so he would stay dangling for awhile, at least until someone could be bothered to kill his corpse.

“Now, because of this incident, Helen and I will we interviewing all married women without their husbands present, to make sure no one else is breaking the rules behind my back.” I sighed, it was going to take all damned day, but it had to happen.

Jakey laughed, “Don’t be sad Dad, it’s still a beautiful day!”

I looked at my oldest mini-me and grinned, and then turned to my blonde-haired son who was grinning too, but he was looking up at the dangling corpse. “Absolutely beautiful.”

I grinned; maybe Caleb was my oldest mini-me…at least personality wise…


	8. she will always hate me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the cycle of abuse continues...
> 
> and Troy narration again...so lots of racism (including anti-semitism) and sexism ahead
> 
> TW: rape and attempted rape, physical and emotional abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a couple of things...
> 
> chapter title from a James Blunt song...
> 
> a Daniel Sharman catfish almost killed my love for this story. But i'm over it now...
> 
> my tumblr is now louisahalewrites...
> 
> and FYI the Otto family (and the kids approx ages) are as follows as of this time in the story...
> 
> Troy/Helen  
> Caleb - 8  
> Jacob - 7  
> Thomas- 6  
> John - 5  
> Tessa- 4
> 
> Jake/Macy  
> Megan - 6  
> Jade- 5  
> Mason - 2
> 
> Nate/Mara  
> Marley -5  
> Noah - 4  
> Lara - 1

7: she will always hate me…

**_many months later…_ **

Of course after we started having sex again, I got pregnant really quickly, the problem was I found out I was pregnant this time by having a miscarriage. I was so depressed afterward, Troy had to help me out of bed most days.

After that I started taking birth control pills. Troy had taken me with him on a supply run right after the miscarriage to get my mind off it. I was raiding a pharmacy at a grocery store to get supplies for the infirmary while Troy and the A-Team looked for anything useful in the rest of the store. I found the stash of contraceptives and put them in a separate pocket of the bag I had before moving on to the other meds.

I couldn’t go through another miscarriage. I needed to not get pregnant.

I took the pill every evening; Troy usually left me alone to shower and dress about a hour before we made our way to the schoolhouse in the evenings. I had them stashed in a plastic bag that I had secured under the bed with a bungee cord, and I kept the pack I was using currently under my side of the mattress. I didn’t feel bad for it. Troy didn’t understand when I told him I didn’t want to try again…I told him I didn’t want another baby, not after my body already killed two. He just said the third time was the charm.

I had gone through three packs by now, and I felt good finally, my hormones had evened out and my body got used to the pills. Mom warned me that it might be dangerous to use them because they were definitely past their expiration date, but I had to try something…the only thing we had noticed was a little weight gain so far.

Troy ended up loving that I gained weight, my breasts, ass and tummy were bigger…at first he got excited I might be pregnant again…he loved my pregnancy and post pregnancy body…but he was okay we didn’t have any tests anymore so we had to rely on our bodies and I was sure I wasn’t pregnant, the pill was working, had to be. He said regardless what I thought, I looked so hot that it wouldn’t be long until I was pregnant.

That was not happening.

Other than that life had been good. The kids were thriving in school and during Troy’s lessons, the ranch was safe, the family was happy and Troy and I were getting along on everything but the topic of baby. The only other thing that had happened of note since Troy hung all the wife-beaters was Jakey insisting that he was to be called Jay now.

One night at dinner, Troy asked Jake, Nate and Martin to run the ranch while we were gone.

“Are we going on another family camping trip?” I asked, over the past few years we had been known to go out ‘camping’ in the desert to test our children’s survival skills, but we had just got back from one.

Troy looked at me and gave me a sweet smile. “No Baby. I just was thinking today, maybe we haven’t gotten pregnant again because were always focused on the ranch and the kids and not on each other. So I figured for your birthday and our anniversary this year we’d go on a trip together. Jakey and Macy have used the cabin in the mountains for a getaway before, some might say eight years after the wedding is to late for a honeymoon, I disagree.”

I looked at him thoughtfully, I’ve been around Troy long enough to know he was pissed about something, but I couldn’t figure out what I had done this time, and his words were opposite of what he would say if he were angry. His smile looked normal too. But his eyes, his eyes were cold and terrifying.

“But the kids…” I said, trying to get out of this. I didn’t want to be alone with him if he was mad at me.

“Mom and Marty will stay at the guest room in our house.” He said before looking at Mom and Martin. “Right?”

“Of course we will.” Mom said, after a steadying breath “When do you leave?”

“After dinner.” He said, “I sent my team ahead this morning to secure the place and clean it up, and I packed while Helen was in the shower tonight.”

“What?” I asked.

“I just wanted to get started.” Troy said, giving me another smile that made me sick before turning to Jake. “Coop radio’ed on the cabins radio earlier, it still works great. I’ll check in every few days. We’ll come back when Helen is showing.”

He wanted me away from my children for months? I was panicking. I couldn’t eat anymore. I spent the rest of the meal kissing and holding my children who were just as confused and upset over this news as I was. Troy didn’t stop me from that at the least.

When the family was all finished eating (I noticed that the other adult Ottos were going slower to prolong the meal and my time with my children), I said goodbye to Nate, Jake, Mara, Macy and my nieces and nephews before taking Troy’s hand. Mom, Martin and the kids followed us to the car. I hugged Mom and Martin goodbye while Troy said goodbye to the kids.

“Daddy?” Tommy asked, “Did we do something bad to make you and Mommy go away?”

“No son.” Troy said as he bent down to hug and kiss them all. “We just need some special adult time.”

“But what if you are gone forever?” Johnny asked, and I started to cry, “What if the dead-ones get you and Mom and we never see you again?”

“That won't happen,” Cal said.

Jay added, “Yeah, Dad’s the strongest guy ever.”

Troy smirked as he finished his goodbyes to the boys and made his way to kiss and hug Tessa. But she backed away. “Say goodbye to Daddy sweetheart.” He said.

“Daddy are you going to kill Mommy on your trip?” She asked with the same coldness in her voice Troy had when he was angry.

All the boys looked at her and then glared at their father, like the whole trip suddenly made sense in their eyes.

He could easily kill me and have a new wife. There were still four widows to choose from, even after picking up three men travelling alone and inviting them to join us. For the first time there was a surplus of women to choose from. My kids would have a new mommy before I could turn if Troy chose it.

“Daddy and Mommy just need some time alone together.” He said, standing up.

“That wasn’t a ‘no’!” The boys yelled.

Troy glared down at boys, but the four of the stood firm in glaring back. I was surprised even Caleb stood against him on this… but then I remembered Layla and realized he would never back Troy when it came to hurting me. ”I would never kill your mother. Ever. I love her. Have since the first day I spoke to her.”

The boys calmed down at that, and all the kids ran to me, I bent down to hug them.

“Be good for Grandma and Grandpa.” I said, “I’ll be home before you know it.”

“Mommy… remember the femoral and carotid artery lessons… ok?” Tessa whispered, “Just in case Daddy is lying you have to kill him first.”

The boys whispered their agreement and support.

Troy had taught the kids where to slice a man and he would bleed out quickly. I remembered well, I spent the whole afternoon as they practiced on a dummy and then on the Infected, freaking out that this was how we had to raise kids nowadays.

“I remember baby. Thank you.” I said kissing them all one last time before saying, “Now go to Grandma and Grandpa…Mommy and Daddy should leave before the sun sets.”

They listened and I stood and dried my tears, watching as the boys ran to Mom and Martin and Tessa turned to her father. I thought she was going to kiss him goodbye now.

“If you come back without Mommy, I will kill you Daddy.” She said fiercely, before turning towards Mom and Martin.

Troy looked pissed, he made it look like he was about to walk after her and do god knows what but I ran in his path, and blocked him. “Troy, come on. We should get going right?” He looked down at me. And I whispered so the children wouldn’t hear. “You can do what you want to me Troy, I don’t care and it’s easy for you to do. But you know that hurting the kids in any way eats you up inside…”

He took a deep breath and nodded. “Get in the car Helen.” He said before walking to the driver’s side.

I turned and waved goodbye to everyone before going towards the passenger’s side. I then looked in the backseat to find our bags, and some supplies, but there was only a little so I assumed Troy’s team had brought the rest, then I saw a plastic bag on top of Troy’s bag…my plastic bag.

I waited until we left the ranch to speak. “So that’s what you’re angry about…my pills? I told you I didn’t want to get pregnant again and possibly go through another miscarriage…”

He took a pack out of his pocket and threw it on the dash. “Found that sticking out of the mattress last night while on my way back to bed from the bathroom. Had a talk with Dr. Stanley about what they were this morning. He advised me against using them to prevent pregnancy because the chances of them being effective this long past their expiration date is very low.”

Well, shit. That sucked. But I knew Mom’s knowledge of them would be minimal she was part of the group of Christians that used to think birth control and abortion were the same thing before the world ended. “So why are you mad about it then?” I asked confused, “If they don’t work, you’ll get your wish for me to be pregnant again soon enough.”

“But will it even be my kid?” He said before popping in one of his CDs and turning the volume up to the maximum.

* * *

**_troy pov…_ **

I was fuming. This whole day had been horrible. What did I do for her to cheat on me and try to keep from getting pregnant so we wouldn’t raise her boyfriends kid? What did I do to make my daughter hate me so much? Would I have really beat Tessa if Helen hadn’t stopped me? Was she right…did I find it easy to hurt her?

The music helped to drown out my thoughts, but I could still feel Helen glaring at me, as if I was the one in the wrong here. Bitch.

We were halfway to my Dads old cabin when she powered down my stereo. “The fuck are you doing bitch?”

“Why is it that the one who has cheated, on multiple occasions might I add, is always the one accusing me- the one who has never even thought of it- of cheating?” She yelled, “When are you going to get it through your thick head that I’m not interested in having sex with anyone else, and if I was I would never touch them because of what you would do to them and make me watch happen!”

She made some good fucking points…she wasn’t stupid she knows how I react if she even dreamt about another man, I’ve done it before. I was the only one that strayed and did it with two women... that she knew about. And I always had her at my side, when would she have cheated?

I took a deep breath. “You’re right baby. I’m sorry. But I’m still mad about you taking those pills to try to stop having a baby. We agreed.”

“No.” Helen said, still yelling “You agreed. I said I didn’t want to go through that heartbreak a third time and you just decided to ignore that.”

I stopped the car. She was getting close to crossing the line; she hadn’t been this disrespectful or disobedient since the Madison or Diana aftermaths. “Remember the promise I made after Jay was born baby? You say one more bitchy, bratty or selfish thing and I can’t be held responsible for what comes next.”

She took her own deep breath and nodded. Good, she was backing down. I didn’t want her to push me into blind rage but I would do what I needed to do to get my wife back in line. “Good. Now we’re going to have a nice little honeymoon okay? Let’s put this nastiness behind us!”

“Ok Troy.” She said softly and turned to look out the window.

How was it that in one day I had ruined the good of the past seven months? Everything had been perfect after the damned horde. Maybe my Mom was right, I did ruin lives, I was a fuck up. Maybe my Dad was right too, he should have put be down after I tortured my first rabbit.

Seeing that look in Tessa’s eyes and it mirrored in my boys I knew that anyone of them would kill me and enjoy it if I killed their mother. They would kill me to keep Helen safe. And wouldn’t that just be so poetic to die the way my Dad did.

My Dad had been weak; he couldn’t make the hard decisions to protect the community… the only place I’ve ever known. I knew if I let Dad kill me, the community would be slaughtered eventually. And the thought of Helen dead terrified me. So I killed him, took over and made the girl mine.

The thought of Helen dead still terrifies me; I wasn’t lying to my kids in saying that I would never do it. It was good to know that I was raising ruthless little monsters that would defend their family (even from family) though, comforting that even when I go they would all be safe.

When we arrived at the cabin. My guys were waiting and gave me a run down of the provisions they had brought and that they made sure the locks and bolts for the door still worked. I let them go, asking them to come back in a month with more provisions. When I turned back to the truck to get our shit I saw that Helen was still in the car a pouting look on her face.

“We’re still going to stay here until I’m showing?” She asked, “Even though you know there's no possibility of anyone else fathering my child?”

I nodded. “Of course.” And grabbed the stuff I brought and took it inside, expecting her to follow me.

The cabin wasn’t much but it would do. A small kitchen, small bathroom, a cellar with the provisions and weapons, and the main room held a fireplace, king-sized bed and a loveseat. The place was equipped with a water catchment system and solar power that the boys checked out after they checked the radio and it was all in working order. The place was kept up every few months, many members of my family and team liked to use it for alone time with their wives. I had just never taken Helen here because I always liked being at the ranch or the base; I never saw a need. But I saw clearly now, if I was to really fix this marriage I had to focus only on my wife and nothing else.

Had we ever spent any time alone when not sleeping or fucking? I didn’t think we did, we were leaders and parents…there was always someone else around. And the times we did spend alone, well I don’t think they did any good to help my marriage.

Did I even know my wife’s favorite color?

After I set the bags next to the loveseat I turned to talk to Helen.

But she wasn’t there. So I ran outside only to find her in the driver’s seat of my truck looking around for where I hid my keys. To bad I had them on me.

“Baby, why don’t you come inside…it's nice and cozy.” I said holding out my hand.

“No Troy. I want to go home. I want to see my babies.” She said, “Please give me the keys and let's go back. I don’t want to be away from them.”

“Helen, we’re staying here. Now take my hand and let's go inside.” I said my irritation from earlier coming back.

“NO.” she yelled and spat at me.

The bitch thinks she can spit at me? In one quick movement I grabbed hold of that brown hair and ripped my bratty wife out of the truck. After shutting the door and locking the truck up I dragged the bitch kicking and screaming into the cabin and threw her on the bed. Then went to lock and secure the cabin.

“Fucking psycho asshole!” she yelled as I went about my task “How did I ever like you? Or love you? You were just a creepy stalker that conned his way into owning me! Fucking abuser worse than my Dad ever was! At least the beating would be over when he passed out or was sober. The mental warfare with you is constant. It’s exhausting! Just kill me asshole and find another girl to rape and control! I’M FUCKING TIRED OF IT!”

How could she say those lies about me? How could my beautiful, perfect wife even think up those lies about me? What had gotten into her? Who had been whispering in her ear? These weren’t her thoughts coming out, couldn’t be, I thought I had trained her to think like me…

As the sun started to set I returned from locking up. I stood over her and she was glaring at me. My temper was just under the surface, it felt like just before I went out on a hunt, or when I was experimenting, or when I was killing Infected. That primal part of me was coming back, and I tried fighting it because the last time my wife saw it she was terrified.

But she spat at me again, and I fucking lost it.

I spent the next few hours, disciplining her like I threatened to do after we had little Jay: kicking, punching, slapping and finally choking her with half my strength (because i knew my full strength would kill her and i didnt want her dead) all while she screamed her lungs out. In the moment I didn’t feel the least bit of sympathy for her screams, eight years of misbehavior from her had built to this moment, this was the final straw…when I returned to the ranch I would return with the wife I deserved. I wouldn’t have this occasionally willful and bratty bitch at my side; I’d have a good woman.

After she was passed out I fucked her. I was all turned on from the violence and needed release, and I didn’t care if she was awake for it, she deserved to be treated like she was acting right now; like one of the base whores.

When we took people to the base we would separate the whites and interview them. If the men had military experience, weren’t Jews and were willing to follow the community rules we would take them back to the ranch. If they didn’t meet those criteria…we needed data for whites to anyway. The women had to be non-Jewish, if they were married to a man we wanted they got in and if they were single the test for them was if they would be willing to sleep with all of us to live…if they said no we took them home with us…we didn’t want whores mothering children.

The Jewish women and the whores that said yes were used as the base’s whores while we were there and we’d start killing and turning them by the end of the week. We’d go through a lot of condoms most times we stayed there. It was fun to blow off some steam with a whore when I got all worked up from the experimenting. Just like i was blowing off steam now after disciplining my bitch of a wife.

I pulled out and quickly went to sleep, exhausted from Helen’s punishment.

* * *

When I woke in the morning to screaming and crying I was half ready to beat her into silence until I looked to see what she was crying about.

The sheets were covered in blood, and it wasn’t from my beating of her…I could see those bruises forming but her bleeding had been minimal and from the punches she took on her torso. This blood was excessive and coming from her cunt.

Oh no. She had been wrong…she had been pregnant.

And I made her miscarry for the third time. Like she feared happening. Like I promised wouldn't happen.

Fuck.

By my own laws I should die for this, not just making her miscarry but also all of last night. It all was excessive and if anyone else had done what I did they wouldn’t have survived the night. But I was a selfish man, we wouldn’t be returning home now until her bruises cleared up.

I went to pull my wife in my arms and hold her to calm her down but she flinched away from me and curled up into a ball to rock, sobbing harder.

I did this. My violence put her through the one thing she didn’t want to go through again, the only reason she had the damn pills that started all this in the first place.

I know now that I’m the problem in this marriage. Maybe all the shit I put Helen through over the years caught up with her last night and she let it all out. And I went and made it all worse.

I could still fix this. She loved me once; I could get her to love me again. I just needed time.

* * *

**_helen pov…_ **

The bastard had left while I cried and started the shower.

“You go clean up, take all the time you need.” He said, “I’ll clean up here.”

I sent a glare at him through my tears and made my way to the bathroom, glancing at the bed again in shame. But realizing that it wasn’t me that killed this baby, it was Troy.

It still hurt though.

I must have not been that far along because it was just a mess of blood on the bed and it happened while I slept like last time.

When I got to the bathroom, I realized I was already undressed. I remember being fully clothed when I passed out from him choking me…what did he do to me while I slept?

Walker had been right. I was married to a rapist. His statements had been bouncing around my head since I killed him, but I was terrified of them. Most of the time Troy used coercion or guilt tripping to get me to do what he wanted, but last night he just took. And that scared me, how do I still love a man who thought it was just okay to treat the woman he loved, the mother of his children, the way he treated me.

Now at least I hated him too.

By the time I got out of the shower and back to the main room to find my clothes, Troy had changed the bedding and I saw the remains of the old bedding burning in the fireplace. He sat on the tiny sofa with a first aid kit in his lap.

“I figured I could see if I you needed patching up.” He said.

I refused to say a word to him but went over, I was at least was deeply bruised by his beating last night I hoped there wasn’t any internal bleeding or broken ribs though. Troy had medic training he could check on that. When I got to the sofa I took off my towel and sat on it so he could examine me.

I hoped the worst of it was him killing our baby.

He sighed when I didn’t speak to him but set to work, lightly touching me and testing where I was in the most pain. I spent the whole time wondering when he was going to snap and start on me again. After his exam he bound my ribs, cleaned my cuts, and then gave me a few pills and a glass of water. “Take these please.”

I did. I wouldn’t ask what was wrong or what the pills were for, that’s what he was expecting. No, I rather not talk to him again, at least while I was so angry about the events of the past day. I didn’t think I would live through him losing his temper a second time, no matter how much he claimed to love me.

He then grabbed my duffel and got out a nightgown and underwear for me. “Let me help you get dressed and get back to bed.” He offered, but I flinched away, not really wanting him to touch me again, his exam had been terrifying. “I’m not a savage baby. I just want to help you get back to bed and hold you if you want to cry. I promise we’re not going to be making love today.”

I glared up at him, thinking about what he likely did while I was asleep but I saw that he looked sad...crushed. He likely wouldn’t want to fuck me while I was asleep if he felt like shit for all that had happened last night and this morning.

I stood up and allowed him to help me into the panties and the nightgown. He then picked me up gently and carried me to the bed, tucking me in. He then got in on his side and stayed above the covers, pulling me to him and holding me.

I couldn’t help it. I started to cry again.

* * *

Over the next month (I knew the time now because of provision delivery) I didn’t speak to Troy much besides to say yes or no to him, despite his twice daily apologies.

He’d ask me if I wanted to do a chore with him, cuddle with him, read with him, cook with him, bathe with him or fuck with him and I would give my honest answers to him. What made me less mad at him was him respecting my 'no' now. If I said no to him for anything usually it was a hell of a guilt trip to get me to agree with him, but now he wasn’t appealing the decision.

I started saying yes to sex eventually just because him respecting my decisions _finally_ turned me on so much. He even offered to let me ride him for the first time, something I always wanted to try but he never let me. He was patient and coached me through it and I ended up loving it, I felt powerful.

“Thank you. I liked that.” I said after pulling him out of me and rolling to my side of the bed.

Troy turned to me surprised. “Thank you for talking to me again.”

“I’m still mad.” I said, “But I’m stuck with you and part of me still loves your wife-beating, baby-killing ass.”

I turned to him to gage his reaction. I said that as a test. If he lost his temper with me, or started talking down to me like I was a child I was done. But he didn’t do that, I just looked sad.

“All of me loves you Helen, I hope I can fix what I broke.”

“Me too. I want our life back.”

* * *

By the next supply day I was having morning sickness, well I hoped it was morning sickness. The sooner the bruises faded and I started showing, the sooner I could see my kids.Troy and I would talk to them on the radio every other day after he checked in with Jake, but it still wasn’t the same as being able to hold them. I could tell he missed the too.

* * *

“Helen…do you ever think you can forgive me for everything I’ve done?” He asked one night after the third supply day.

“I’m trying.” I told him, “But I don’t know how I can get even with you so I can move on that doesn’t provoke you to hurting me again.”

“An eye for an eye…” he said, “Yeah, I don’t see how you can beat me so much I miscarry.” I didn’t mention everything else he’d done, because yeah, that was the big one. “But you’ll figure something out baby.”

* * *

Five fucking months away from my kids and I was finally starting to show, and my bruises were almost gone. Troy said that we could leave for home within the week.

Thank fuck.

I still hate him for this whole mess, but unfortunately I still loved him too. And I was finally happy for this pregnancy; I was further along than I was for the last two. Mom said that that was a good sign.

I think I could have convinced Troy to let us go home a few months ago if it weren’t for the bruises. My ribs had healed ok, and the wounds that I suffered from him had long healed, and I could tell that he missed the kids as much as I did. But if people saw my bruising they might have cause to oppose Troy and have him killed. And they would be successful because they could convince people loyal to him that even he had to obey his own laws.

So we stayed to make sure there was no power move, even though I was sure most people were loyal to Troy. Most of the men loved me though, and that’s what worried Troy. He was concerned that their loyalty to me trumped their loyalty to him.

I think he may be right in worrying that. So I didn’t protest staying to save my husbands life. If I didn’t love the bastard I’d radio and tell the guys everything that happened. But unfortunately part of me still loved him, and the part of me that hated him realized that I needed a husband to protect my family and there weren’t any men in the community that were as strong as Troy.

We talked a lot during our time here though. It was nice to actually be one on one with no violence or sex for once. Most days we didn’t even have sex, as he was still asking permission and respecting my saying no. He asked me about myself, trying to get to know my preferences on things. Things I knew about him but he admitted to me he never found out about me; my favorite color…type of music before the end of the world…favorite childhood memory…who taught me to shoot and drive…things that most partners got to know about each other before they married.

It was nice having actual conversations with him that didn’t involve our running of the ranch or an argument about how we were parenting our kids.

I went out for walks every morning and evening these days, Mom had always said light exercise was good for the baby. Troy would join me in the evenings but in the mornings he’d like to get the chores done. When I returned I knew something was wrong.

There was another truck in front of the cabin, and I was rusted and beat up…did not look like a truck we had on the ranch. We took care of the ones we had and most were newer because we raided a dealership when the world ended for new trucks. The mechanics mostly used the older models for parts or they were commissioned only for work and transportation on the ranch, they never left the ranch.

I froze when two men I didn’t recognize exited the cabin carrying out supplies to the truck. I started backing away when I saw them, if they were stealing from us, my husband was probably dead and I needed to get to safety so my baby and I could make it home safe.

But I backed up straight into another man and he caught me around the waist, placing a hand over my mouth. “Hey guys! Look what I found!”

The two men looked over towards us as my captor carried me towards the cabin. “Looks like food and ammo weren’t the only things that asshole was protecting.” One of them laughed. “Take her inside, let's make use of the bed!”

_No. No. No._

When he took me inside, with me trying to kick him the whole time, I saw Troy beaten and bloody on the kitchen floor. He was face up so I could see the rise and fall of his chest. He was still alive, but I couldn’t count on him to save us all.

The one that had me threw me on the bed and made work of my shorts and underpants. Another made himself comfortable on the sofa and the other was dragging Troy up from the ground and placing him at a kitchen chair he had pulled over.

“Wake up asshole.” The guy said slapping my husband as he stood behind him, “You’re going to miss the show.”

By the time the asshole above me had his cock out, my hands had made their way under the pillows.

Asshole one leaned down, to I assume kiss me, and in doing so got his neck in the perfect position for the knife in my right hand. I slit his throat as quick as possible and shoved him to the floor before the other two moved.

I then quickly transferred the gun in my left hand to my right after I dropped the knife and shot the asshole on the sofa in the head.

I turned to the last guy, who was using my now awake husband as a shield. I couldn’t get a shot off without shooting Troy. “Sorry baby. This will make us even…” I told him before I shot getting Troy in the right shoulder and his captor, who was a bit taller than just below that. It was enough for the guy to drop Troy and I was able to get him in the head before he could say whatever he wanted to say.

I then shot the guy I stabbed in the head before making it over to Troy. “Were there more than three?” I asked.

“No. They're part of a group through.” Troy groaned out.

I nodded. “Can you walk?” I said while grabbing a towel to put over the gunshot wound.”

“Yeah. Get dressed. Leave our shit.” He said getting up.

“Okay. I’m driving.” I told him.

“Fuck yeah you are. Keys are in my nightstand.” He said grabbing a gun and heading for the truck.

I quickly dressed and grabbed the keys.

Within minutes we were hauling ass back to the ranch.


	9. children of violence...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we hear from the Otto kids as Helen and Troy arrive home...Troy tries to change and Jake Otto has things to say about his father's death.
> 
> This is also a warning to heed the tags. This is a fucked up story about a fucked up man and his family during the apocalypse. and this chapter has Troy narration so its pretty bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one isn't as long as usual, i'm having a bit of writers block...eek. but i think its okay because otherwise there would be a ton of information in this chapter.
> 
> if anyone has anything they would like to see before the end please let me know, I need a few ideas so there some good in between the bad and the action...otherwise why would Helen want to stay with Troy even the little bit she still does at this point...you can drop me a line here or anonymously on tumblr (louisahalewrites)...i'll credit you i promise!
> 
> still on the fence on who lives or dies in the end or when it will end...i know this cant go on forever but this fucked up world is very therapeutic.

8: children of violence…

**_jacob otto pov…_ **

The afternoons were so boring after Dad took Mom away. Cal and I usually snuck off the ranch to explore our backyard, sometimes our siblings would join us but most of the time they did their own thing. Tommy and Johnny had Infected they were experimenting on in ‘secret’ and Tessa was freaking scary every time we asked what she was up to.

Today, we stayed back because we would get to talk to Mom and Dad after Uncle Jake did. So Cal and I were listening to our radio to see if anything interesting was happening while cleaning our knives, muttering about how Dad was going to give us our own guns before he left but never got around to it.

 _“Broke Jaw this is Boss Lady. Inbound with Boss Man. He’s hit.”_ Came Mom’s voice from the radio.

Cal waived Tommy, Johnny and Tessa over when Mom’s voice sounded.

“Somebody hurt Dad.” He told them, “Mom’s on her way with him now.”

 _“Attack was by three of another group.”_ Dad said. _“They were talking about a camp. The ones we saw were not the right fit for us.”_

 _“We were in negotiations for them to join us.”_ Said Uncle Jakes voice _, “Their camp is a few clicks away from the outpost. They have Intel on a supply of water in the mountains.”_

 _“And you didn’t think to ask me who could join the community?”_ Dad growled. _“You better hope I die brother, because I’m going to kick your ass.”_

 _“I told them to stay away from your area. I guess they took that to mean you have supplies.”_ Uncle Jake said, _“I’m sorry Troy.”_

I looked at Cal and he nodded. We were going to get revenge for what these guys put our parents through.

“You two are idiots.” Tommy said, sensing the plan. “Two kids against how many guys?”

“You and Johnny guard Dad while they’re taking care of him.” I told him before turning to my sister, “You be Mom’s shadow. Make sure she takes care of herself and the baby while barking orders.”

“Of course.” Tessa said, “But it’s going to cost you guys for me not to tell.”

Cal groaned. “My dessert for a week.” He offered.

Tessa smiled before skipping away.

“What do you two jerks want to keep quiet?” I asked

Johnny looked thoughtful. “A favor…”

Tommy nodded eyes sparkling. “Yes, now that Dad and Mom are home sneaking out will be harder…”

“You’ll need to cover for us when we do our ‘periments…” Johnny finished.

“And let us use your buggy…” Tommy finished.

“Deal.” Jay said.

“Happy hunting brothers!” Tommy grinned before he and Johnny went running off.

I looked at my best friend/ older brother and sighed.

“Hey don’t look at me Jay, I think most of their personality is Dad’s fault.”

I nodded and looked around for teachers that were supposed to be supervising kids playing. “We should go before a code is called.”

He nodded and we ran towards the nearest fence.

* * *

**_thomas otto pov…_ **

When Johnny and I arrived at the infirmary, Dad was cursing as Grandma and Doc Stanley were patching him up. Mom was barking orders to the militia and leaving the infirmary when we got there, she paused to give us a kiss before continuing on her way; Tessa was hot on her heels.

“Hey Daddy. Long time no see.” I said as Johnny and I made our way to him and climbed up on the bed nearest his.

Dad grinned at us but was soon cursing again as Grandma finished stitching.

“Oh quit your bitching son.” She said.

Grandma was such a badass.

When she was done stitching him up she turned to the Doc and sighed. “I suppose he’ll live.”

Doc Stanley laughed. “Through and through, missed all the major structures. Yeah, he’ll be fine as long as there's no infection.”

“That’s what you get for taking my daughter away for half a year.” She said, hitting Dad in the shoulder she just patched up. “I love you but you’re a little asshole.”

Johnny and I laughed while Dad cursed more, then Grandma turned her gaze on us. “Where are your brothers?” she asked.

“Who knows with those two?” I shrugged. “I don’t even know if they know Mommy and Daddy are back. Tessie had the radio and let us know.”

Grandma rolled her eyes and left us, dragging Doc away.

Dad was glaring at us. “We’ll address that lie in a minute…” He said as Uncle Jake walked in… “Jakey, how nice of you to join us… now would you mind telling me _what the actual fuck_ you were thinking?”

“I was thinking about the priority to always be on the lookout for water.” Uncle Jake said, “I didn’t know that being a bigot was more important than resources.”

“Mommy said that there are bad people and good people, and it has nothing to do with skin color but what’s in their hearts.” I told Dad.

“The fuck is she teaching my kids?” Dad grumbled, “It looks like these people were bad people son. They hurt Daddy and tried to rape your Mommy.”

Uncle Jake swore. “I’m sorry Troy. Is she okay?”

“I said tried Jakey.” Dad said, “She killed them before they had the chance.”

I looked to Johnny, he looked just as confused as I was on what rape meant but from Dad and Uncle Jake’s reactions we were glad our brothers were off getting revenge against this group.

“Now what to do for betraying my trust Jakey…” Dad said.

“Troy I figured that you’d be willing to let this go for resources. Plus why would you kill Dad if you just wanted to copy his bullshit ideas?”

Dad glared at Uncle Jake, and looked around to make sure no one else but Johnny and I heard him, “Jakey, Big Otto killed himself. He was weak. I’m not.”

“Bullshit.” Uncle said, “I figured it out years ago, no need to lie brother. I figured he gave you no choice. But you and I both know one thing, Ottos aren’t suicidal.”

“Are you threatening Daddy Uncle Jake?” Johnny asked as we both drew our knives.

“No.” Uncle Jake said, “Troy call of your bodyguards. I’m not going to do anything. I know you’re the best leader for this place and I just want our family to survive. I made a shitty call and I’m sorry.”

Dad stared at Uncle Jake for a minute. “Forgiven Jakey. Its my fault really, we shouldn’t have been gone so long.” He then turned his glare on us. “Boys knives away and tell me where your siblings are.”

“Tessa is Mommy’s shadow, making sure she doesn’t overdo it.” Johnny said.

“Cal and Jay…who knows probably out exploring in their buggy.” I said, “They go out every afternoon… we didn’t go today because we wanted to talk to you and Mommy.”

“You let my kids go off the ranch Jakey?”

“No. When Cal and Jay take their buggy out they usually have a militia tail. These two have a few Infected they are observing decay of in the desert someone’s always nearby in case one breaks loose and Tessa has a little tent she and the girls go out to very few days. They think they’re sneaking out but they are very supervised.”

Dad picked up his radio. “ _Would whoever is shadowing Caleb and Jacob please drag their asses back here before they do something stupid.”_

“ _Already ahead of you Troy.”_ Came Uncle Nate’s voice _. “They had a buggy full of grenades and were hauling ass towards the outpost. My guys are bringing them back.”_

Uncle Jake laughed at Dad’s look. “A pain in the ass raising little hellions like you isn’t it?”

“At least they get some things from their mother. They all got her heart.” Dad said sighing. “Helen is going to be so pissed.”

“TROY! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOUR SONS DOING!” Mom said storming into the infirmary.

“My sons? For the last few months all I heard was your babies this and that…”Dad laughed, “Apparently Cal and Jay thought they could take out the group in the mountains themselves. Wait til you hear what the others have been up to.”

Mom settled in on the nearest bed. “Mommy, you rest I’ll yell at the nasty boys for you okay?” Tessa said patting mom on the belly.

“I’ll do it.” Dad said getting up “Teams recalled and redirected towards this group Helly?”

Mom nodded, closing her eyes. “They have orders to capture not kill.”

Dad looked to Uncle Jake. “Maybe you’re right Jakey. Maybe I have been to harsh about the people I let in.” he then turned to Johnny and I. “You two look after you Mom. Tessie, if you want to yell at your brothers follow Daddy.”

Tessa kissed Mommy. “Its okay Mommy, Daddy and I got this.” She said before skipping out behind Dad and Uncle Jake.

Johnny and I moved quickly to Mommy’s bedside.

“Mom, if we’re getting another sister can you make sure she’s not as mean as Tessie.” Johnny asked.

Mom snorted. “No guarantees babies. Now come up here for a cuddle, I missed you so much!”

* * *

**_tessa otto pov…_ **

I stood and tapped my foot as Daddy, Uncle Jake and I waited at the gate for my idiot older brothers to be dragged back home. I looked up at Daddy; he looked almost amused at this. “How much trouble are they in?” I asked.

“A fucking lot.” Daddy said, “You all are, I don’t know what part of don’t leave the ranch without your Mom and I you five don’t understand…”

“But you weren’t here Daddy. You left us behind.” I said. “You said Ottos don’t abandon each other and you took Mommy and abandoned us.”

Daddy knelt down to my level. “Mommy and I needed to work on our marriage. It had nothing to do with you guys.”

“Why does she have yellow skin then Daddy? Looks like healing bruises to me” I told him.

Daddy looked sad, “I made a mistake baby and I hurt Mommy. I’m not proud of it and I’ll never do it again.”

“Would you like it if someone did that to me Daddy?” I asked fighting tears. “Would you let someone hurt me the way you hurt Mommy?”

“No.” He said firmly, “I’m trying to be better for her baby, I promise I am.”

“Okay Daddy.” I said kissing his cheek. “Please be better.”

I would kill Daddy if it was to protect Mommy. I could do it. I didn’t want to though because I love Daddy very much. But i loved Mommy more,

He gave me a hug with his good arm and kissed my crown. “If the new baby is a stupid boy I’m going to live with Megan and Jade.” I told him.

Daddy laughed. “That’s more than fair Tessie.”

“No its not.” Uncle Jake said, “I’m freaking out about a fourth on the way, I can’t handle five.”

I patted Uncle Jake’s leg. “You’ll just have to figure it out Uncle Jake.”

Daddy and I laughed at his grumbling.

It took a few minutes but the a truck with a few of Uncle Nate’s guys arrived, Cal and Jay jumped out of the bed and walked over towards us.

“Grenades? What exactly was your plan?” Daddy asked.

The boys shrugged and I looked up at Daddy. He nodded.

I walked over to my brothers and punched them both in the stomach. “DO YOU THINK MOMMY SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOU TWO IDIOTS GETTING YOURSELVES KILLED WHILE SHES CARRYING OUR LITTLE SISTER, SHE WAS ATTACKED AND DADDY IS HURT???” I screeched.

“You let us go…” Cal said.

“That was before I knew how bad off Mommy is.” I said, “Grandma told her that she’s going on bed rest again.”

Good they both looked sad and ran off to the infirmary.

“Your grandmother didn’t put her on bed rest yet…” Daddy said.

I shrugged. “Have you seen Mommy? Its only a matter of time. She looks sick. She looks worse than Auntie Macy did before Grandma put her on bed rest last month.”

Daddy looked to Uncle Jake for confirmation and he nodded.

“You go stick with you Mommy and brothers okay? Daddy has to clean up a mess Uncle Jakey made and he’ll be with you soon.”

Looking down the drive I could see more trucks approaching. “Okay Daddy.” I said hugging his leg. “I’m glad you came back, I missed you and Mommy.”

“Missed you too little one.” He said with a smile, “Now get, and make sure your brothers don’t leave your mothers side, I still have to have a talking with them.”

I nodded and skipped away.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

Was everything Dad had taught me bullshit? Was skin color, religion and sex something that I really needed to hang onto during the apocalypse? If Jakey was willing to let me killing Dad go…maybe I owed it to him and to my kids to be different than Big Otto was.

I never did understand Dads hatred of the Jews…and who the fuck cares which testament brought you comfort these days as long as you could sleep at night. I’ll let them in…

It seemed that my position on women was right though, out there in the wild men will take what they want didn’t matter how strong a woman was. I wasn’t changing my thoughts on how we should treat them; maybe it was time to start following my own rules though. Probably should do a self-defense class to all the women too…so they could defend themselves if we’re invaded and from badly behaved husbands. Tessa was right, I needed to think what sort of behavior I’d tolerate against her and use it as a model for Helen and all other women.

I watched as Nate and Hunter’s teams unloaded the captives from this other group. About fifteen people all men, maybe some were kids when this started but only a few, no one younger than twenty, mostly black and brown.

How evolved was I willing to get?

I looked to Jake... did he really think this was a good idea? “Give them a chance brother.”

Nate brought a large black guy forward. “Troy, this is Devon. This groups leader that Jake has been negotiating with.”

“Did you send those three guys to rip off my supplies and rape my pregnant wife or do you not have control over your men?” I asked.

“I sent them for the supplies. They were under orders to knock you all out and nothing else. Didn’t want to ruin the negotiations but we were hungry.” Devon said gruffly, “I apologize if they hurt your woman.”

I stared for a moment, did I believe him? Maybe… but something wasn’t right…

“We have a bunkhouse you can all stay in. I won't start marrying you or your men into the community until I know we can trust you.” I told Devon before surveying his men, “We won’t let the sick in, and you won’t be allowed weapons of your own unless you leave the ranch.”

“No sick. We’re just hungry.” Devon stated.

“Well after you and your men are searched and Jakey shows you to your cabin it should be dinnertime.” I told him. “That Intel on the water source would sure help build trust.”

Devon nodded. “Not a problem.”

I smiled brightly. “Welcome to Broke Jaw Ranch gentlemen. I’ll interview them and place them on teams tomorrow Jakey. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to check on my wife.”

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

Mom had left the infirmary to check on Macy, who would deliver her baby any day now, but not before ordering me to go back to the house and stay on bed rest until I deliver.

I turned to Doc Stanley, who was the actual head of the infirmary. “Don’t look at me Helen, you know Lauren is the boss when it comes to your family’s medical care. And putting women on limited duty or bed rest at the first sign of trouble has really reduced the amount of complications with delivery. Its the only tool we do have to help get mother and child out of the pregnancy alive.”

I sighed.

“It’s okay Mommy! We’ll spend all the time with you and make it go by so fast.” Johnny said.

I laughed and cuddled my youngest to me. “I missed you all so much.”

“We missed you to Mom.” Cal said, “Sorry for worrying you today.”

“How did you boys get that many grenades?” I asked

The two of them just shrugged. “Okay, we’ll wait for your Dad then.”

“We just stole Uncle Jakes keys.” Jay said, “He didn’t even notice they were gone, he was so worried about Aunt Macy. We were just going to use them to blow up stuff in the desert.”

“And draw all the dead-ones around to us!” Tommy groaned, “Mommy don’t leave again when these two are bored they do dumb stuff.”

“You mean like holding Infected captive to observe them decaying?” I said looking to Johnny and Tommy. Tessa laughed. “Or building a fort with your cousins in the middle of nowhere?” I said looking to her.

“Yeah, we all did some dumb stuff while you were gone.” Cal said, “Sorry Mom.”

“You older two definitely demonstrated you aren’t responsible enough for a gun of your own. “ I said, and kept talking over their protests, “Tommy too. And all of you I think no dessert for a month will be punishment enough.”

They were all protesting, especially Tommy who didn’t know Troy was planning on letting him have his own gun when we got back.

Their loud complaints are what Troy walked in on. “Quit your bitching, I’m sure your Mom was lenient on all of your for your dangerous behavior. If I had it my way you’d be cleaning up cow shit for two months on top of what she gave you. You all could have gotten killed if your Uncle Jake didn’t catch on to what you were doing.”

They all shut up for that. “I’m on bed rest.” I told him, “Mom says I look like shit and I’m huge.”

Troy laughed. “Well let’s get you home and tucked in, I already sent my guys to clean up the cabin and bring all our stuff back. I planned on spending the afternoon testing our little shits make sure they haven’t gotten rusty.”

I rolled my eyes and made my way to get out of bed. “What did you do with that group?”

“I’m trying them out, Jakey asked me to.” I looked at Troy shocked. “People can change Helen.”

I wasn’t worried about people; I was surprised about him changing all of a sudden. “Why now?”

“Jakey knows about Big Otto.” I looked to him in fear; “I’m going over to his place after dinner to see how he plans on using this knowledge.”

I started to panic. If Jake killed Troy for killing their father then I’d be alone with six kids and a ranch to run, because lord knows Jake can’t be trusted to make decisions for the whole community.

But I’d be safer…I wouldn’t be sleeping next to the person that causes me the most harm anymore…

Troy kissed my crown and hugged me. “We’ll be alright Helen.”

I hoped he was right.

* * *

It was late in the evening when Jake showed up in my bedroom.

“Do you know where your brother is?” I asked, “He was going to see you and he promised me a bath afterward.”

Jake looked sad, “He killed my Dad Helen, and I was just waiting for all these years for him to admit it. I wanted him to feel sorry about it at least…”

“Jake what happened?”

“It was just like with the rabbits…”

“Jake enough about the fucking rabbits he tortured when he was five! What did you do to my husband!” I said starting to panic more.

“I know Dad was a drunk, and probably would have gotten us all killed long before now…I know we wouldn’t have the families we have if it weren’t for Troy, but he still has to pay for what he did to Dad and the Trimbols.”

Shit.

“What do you mean Jake? What do the Trimbols have to do with this?”

“Don’t play dumb sister.” Jake sneered, “I know what he did to them and I know what he’s done to you. He needed to be punished. I’m in charge until he makes his way back, if he doesn’t by the time you deliver your baby you can run things and we’ll assume he’s dead.”

“What did you do Jake?” I said crying at this point.

“I was the one who sent those men to the outpost. That didn’t go to plan because they went off script so I had to improvise. I had the new guys ambush him on the way back from my place and drive him deep into the desert. I allowed him a few supplies. He’ll survive… I just think a time out is needed.”

“You know that he’ll kill whoever helped you and I’ll have to beg him not to kill you.” I said sobbing.

Jake shrugged. “Little brother has to realize that I’m not weak, I will rise up and punish him if I need to. He’ll also take into account that I didn’t kill him. You and your kids aren’t allowed to leave this house until you deliver, or until he comes back. I know my nephews enough that they’ll try to find him. I have guards at both entrances.”

I took a deep breath. “I hope for Macy’s sake he doesn’t kill you.”

Jake nodded solemnly and walked out of my room.

I didn’t know if I was happy or sad.

I was disappointed in myself though, I had underestimated Jake and it had cost me my children’s father. I didn't know how to raise our kids and run the ranch alone. But part of me was happy that I would have sometime without him.

I started to cry at that, how fucked up was I that i was sort of relieved that my husband was abandoned in the desert by his brother?

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

Well I didn’t see a betrayal from my own brother coming, but I should’ve. I was almost proud of Jakey for the balls it took to betray me.

Did these fuckers really think a bag over my head was going to stop me from knowing where we are? Maybe if they beat me enough to knock me out...

I may be recovering from a gunshot, and a pretty bad beating this morning, on top of that warm welcome they gave me when I left Jakey’s…but I’m the son of a violent drunk…I’ve been through worse.

So I was awake again by the time we left the ranch. I clocked all the twists and turns and based on the terrain I knew where we were heading. I knew this land better than I knew my wife’s body. This was my home.

By the time they stopped driving I guessed it would take half a week to get back to the ranch on foot, provided there were no obstacles. By then though Jakey would have my wife married to someone else and have my kids calling another guy Dad.

I’d have to kill the poor fucks that my brother recruited to join him and take the truck.

When they took off the hood and I saw they were driving my truck I got more fucking pissed. My brother let dirty Mexicans drive my truck to dump me in the desert? That fucker. After I tried to evolve for him…

“Mind untying me hombre?” I asked the guy that took off my hood.

Dude spat on me but cut my bindings with his knife. Which I promptly used to kill the fucker, not as violently as I would have liked because I didn’t want his hermanos to see while I wasn’t armed… luckily for me they were taking a piss and had their back towards us.

I grabbed dead fucks gun and shot the asshole closest to me in the head, which prompted his friend to turn around, dick flopping in the wind. “Hi.” I said with a grin, “Just the three of you this evening?”

“More of us jumped you…but Devon decided the three of us could handle you.”

I laughed and shot him in the head. Then kicked the body out of my truck.

It hurt like a bitch to drive but I hauled ass home.

* * *

I didn’t arrive until the middle of the night.

Good Jakey wouldn’t know what hit him.

When I got to the gate I borrowed the guards radio.

_“A-Team its Boss Man. Place guards around the bunkhouse and arrest my brother. They all are charged with treason.”_

“ _Dad, they got guards in front of our house too. Mom’s been crying for hours.”_ Came Cal’s voice.

“ _Gentlemen, I know you’re just following Jake’s orders, but if you don’t want to die tonight I suggest you not be at your posts when I get up there.”_ I said handing back the radio to the guard.

“No one in or out without my say so.” I told him.

He nodded and I drove to my house, Jay and Cal were at the door when I got there.

“They left when you told them too.” Jay said, “The others are in bed with Mom. Cal and I were keeping watch.”

I nodded and went to the couch to lay down. “Do you too mind keeping watch for a while longer? Daddy needs a few hours or sleep before he punishes Uncle Jake for betraying him.”

“Sure thing Dad.” Cal said.


	10. crime and punishment...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake faces punishment and Troy is doing his best to be a better man for Helen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first i apologize for the ending of this chapter.   
> second the AN at the end has the extended Otto family (and childrens ages as of the end of this chapter) if you get lost.   
> and third i'm sorry this is so short again, i'm still fighting writers block and depression. 
> 
> hope you enjoy

9: crime and punishment…

**_troy otto pov…_ **

I’ve only been up for a few hours and already I’ve accomplished so much!

I kissed my wife, reassured her I’m okay, made sure her and the kids had a good breakfast, tasked the kids to take care of Mom while Dad went to work, interviewed all of Devon’s group, killed those loyal to Jake and/or unapologetic about what they did, locked Jakey up in an old tool shed for phase one of his punishment and called a meeting for all militia members.

Everyone lined up with their teams. My team, the female militia members and the six newcomers I was allowing to live (for now) were standing to the side.

“Jeremiah Otto Jr is no longer part of my family, until he earns back my trust.” I said once everyone arrived, “He will be locked in the shed with no food or water for a week then he can return to his home. He and Macy Otto are now divorced. Macy is now my second wife and I will be looking after her and her children, since my former brother had no care about how his actions might affect them when he decided I needed to be punished. He can earn his family and position back. But if he betrays me or this ranch one more time he’s dead. Macy will be remarried to another man, I’ll raise my nieces, nephew and the unborn baby.”

There were murmurs from those gathered, and Marty looked pissed but it wasn’t my fault Jake had no thought of what would happen to his family, I was doing him a kindness really.

“Until he earns his place back he is not allowed contact with his old family. When he leaves the shed he will be allowed to work in the barns until he can be trusted to join the militia again. Joe you will be heading his old team from now on. Owen you will join the team as well. If anyone is sympathetic to Jake’s plight they can face similar consequences.”

I then turned to Marty’s team and Marty. “Marty I need you to train the new members and assess their skills, after they are trained you can retire like you have been asking. Blakey is now the head of your team effective immediately.”

Marty nodded and switched places with Blake. My team was down to just Coop and Jimmy now but they were solid. We wouldn’t be going out on our own much anyway and I needed friends I trusted more than family close right now.

I turned to the ladies. “Ladies you will continue to report to me only. But I want to add to your duties. I need you to start teaching self-defense classes to the women; Coop, Jimmy and I are going to start teaching the kids. When we were attacked yesterday Helen wouldn’t have been able to save us if she hadn’t been able to get to our weapons. If we’re attacked I want everyone to be able to protect themselves, armed or not.”

More murmurs from the militia. This time in agreement with my actions.

“Alright! That’s all I have for today! Joe would you have your team help move my new wife and kids to my house? Set her and Mason up in the guestroom and Meg and Jade in Tessa’s room.”

The teams disassembled and I turned to my guys, “Coop, Jimmy why don’t you get the new guys some change of clothes and showered, while I talk to Marty. I’ll talk to you guys at lunch about what I need from you.”

They nodded and I watched them walk up to the new guys and direct them to the pantry. I let these ones live because they were kids and teens when the infection started, and the group still treated them like kids, so they weren’t told about any of the group’s plans. Six young men added to the community and all agreed to my rules. And I got the Intel about the water. I still didn’t trust them to marry any of the community members yet, but if they proved themselves trustworthy I would. I knew I would get push back form some families if I tried to marry a Jewish boy or a black to their daughter... so I was going to wait to see if they were good men before I worried about their potential marriages.

When everyone is out of earshot, Marty stepped to me “What is going to happen to my daughter?” he asked.

“I’m not going to punish her and the kids for what Jake did. I’m just going to look out for them and give Jake a chance to earn them back.”

“Does Helen know?”

“No, I planned on telling her now.” I told him, “I have no intention on touching Macy. She’s still my sister as far as I’m concerned. But Jake needs to learn a lesson to be grateful for what he has and not dwell on things that happened nearly a decade ago. He’ll learn once he doesn’t have his beautiful wife and kids anymore.”

Marty still looked pissed, but less pissed than when we started. “Thanks for letting me retire Troy. I’m sick of it. I want to spend my days with my woman, my grandkids and contributing around here. Not ordering around a bunch of pansies that don’t know their ass from their elbow.”

I laughed. “No problem Marty.”

Marty walked away and I walked to the house to explain to Helen what was happening.

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

It had been a few days since I got a fucking sister wife and I was still livid about it. Troy insisted that it was just part of Jake’s punishment and he was going to let him think that he was taking favors from Macy but I didn’t trust it.

But it wasn’t Macy’s fault; she was just as pissed about the whole situation as I was. Probably more so because her husband’s actions upended her life days before she went into labor. Macy had barely got settled in her room when her water broke…she had literally told the guys where the crib should go and her labor started.

The only people loving the situation were the kids; Tessa, Meg and Jade loved sharing a room but the girls were confused why they couldn’t talk to their Dad and why their uncle insisted he was their Dad now; the boys insisted that Mason bunk in their room and the little boy was loving it, thinking it was a big game.

Macy also got to experience one of the perks of being married to Troy: not being able to name your own child. She fucking hated that. I wasn’t a fan either.

Little Justin Otto was two days old and perfect. He didn’t know that the guy that introduced himself as Dad really his Uncle, he didn’t know that the world outside the house was fucked up, all he knew is that he had a big, loud family that loved him fiercely.

Troy had called a family meeting tonight after dinner, so after all the kids were settled in the playroom, the adults sat in the main room waiting. I was confused why Jimmy, Coop, Gretchen and Charlene and their kids were here but I noticed that Troy was keeping Jimmy and Coop closer since Jake’s betrayal and giving Nate and Marty less responsibilities.

“From now on, when Helen and I aren’t around, Jimmy and Coop run the ranch.” Troy said, “I should have trusted them with this from the start. They are more than family and I know they wouldn’t betray me like Jakey did. This means they will be joining us at dinners from now on too, as we discuss the goings on of the day.”

We all nodded in agreement, it didn’t seem like it was up for discussion.

“Also the topic I wanted to discuss tonight. Marriages for the kids…when they’re of age of course.” He said clapping his hands. “Jimmy, Coop and I have decided that the best way to make sure our girls have good matches is to keep it all in the family.”

“They’re kids.” Nate said, “Why are we even thinking about this now?”

Troy glared at him. “No interrupting. The girls are worried about it so I am too.” He said before passing around a piece of paper. “The marriages will happen when the youngest of the couple is about sixteen.”

When the paper got to me I examined it closely. It was dependent on me having at least two more daughters. Tessa would marry Caleb, and my next two daughters would go to Charlene’s son Cooper and Gretchen’s second son Mikey. My other boys were slotted to marry Megan, Jade and Marley.

I was sick, why are we thinking about our babies marrying? My oldest was barely nine. And Troy was already thinking about him marrying his adoptive sister…

I looked to the women in the room warily, and they all had the same looks of disgust. But I knew none of us would say a word about it. We all knew that our children would be paired with someone when they got older, at least we knew the kid was going to be raised right and wouldn’t hurt our kid.

Still made me queasy.

The meeting ended pretty quickly after that, people ran up to grab the kids and said their goodbyes and I looked to Macy as Troy escorted everyone to the door.

She grabbed my hand and patted my belly. “It’s going to be okay Helly.” She said with a smile. “Our girls will have it better than we did. That’s a good thing.”

“You’re always so positive Macy.” I laughed.

“I had to be babe. Have you met Jake? He’s always so moody.” She laughed, before starting to sob again, “I miss him so much. I told him to just let it go but he couldn’t. And now our kids are calling his brother Dad, and if he doesn’t get his act together they wont be mine anymore… I’ll lose everything.”

I pulled her into a hug. Her emotions had been all over the place since she moved in. It was understandable. Her future was so uncertain, and it all depended on Jake Otto letting the past go and Troy being forgiving.

I held her for a minute as she calmed down. “Thanks Helly.” She sighed, “You go get in the bath, I’ll tuck in the kids okay?”

“I can do it…” I protested.

“You looked wrecked kid.” She said, before patting my belly, “And huge, I’m willing to bet there's two little ones in there. You got to make sure you and them come out of this healthy so no climbing up and down the stairs. Bed rest and bathtub for you lady.”

“Mom thinks its twins too.” I sighed. That thought terrified me, how was I going to take care of two babies during the apocalypse?

“I guess this is the perfect time in your life for a sister-wife huh?” Macy joked, “We can do this.”

I hugged her again and she got up. “I’ll tell the kids you love them. Goodnight Helen.”

“Goodnight Macy.” I said before getting up and going to my room to draw myself a bath only to find Troy already doing it for me.

“I heard Mace said she would put the kids down.” He said, “I figured I’d get you in the bath first and see if she needed any help afterward.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

After he helped me in and the warm water started to soothe my bones I started to relax. “Troy, please don’t sleep with her…” I whispered, almost afraid for him to hear.

“I still see her as my brothers wife.” He told me again, “She’s just here until Jake locks his shit down. You’re the only woman I want baby.”

“But I’m a whale.” I moaned. “It feels like I’ve gotten bigger just in the week we’ve been home.”

“You’re beautiful.” He said, kissing me. “Now you relax, I’ll be back in a bit to help you out of here okay? I got to make sure the girls aren’t protesting bed again.”

I laughed. The boys were easy to tuck in… even little Mason and Justin, but the girls insisted on using bedtime to jump on Tessa’s bed or make a fort on Megan and Jade’s bunk.

“You’re the one who thought having nine Otto children living under one roof was a good idea.” I said with a smile.

He winked at me. “It’s the best. But the girls are going to give me grey hairs I swear.”

He left then and I whispered to my belly. “If you are twins please be girls and grow up to help your sister and cousins terrorize Daddy.”

* * *

**_many weeks later…_ **

For the first stretch of my bed rest, Troy and Macy were at the house too, so I wasn’t alone all day. But after they both had healed from his gunshot wounds and her birth they were up and about around the ranch. Troy and the kids would have breakfast in my room with me everyday, and Macy would bring me a dinner tray and sit with me before she went to dinner but now I was pretty much on my own.

Sometimes I’d get visits from women that needed my help or from Mom and Mara during the day, but other than that…nothing.

Troy had brought me books from storage, so I would have something to do, but other than that I didn’t have much energy to do anything other than sleep.

But I was still lonely until the family came home after dinner.

One of the new guys would bring me lunch everyday, so I started to talk to him a bit each day before he had to go back to work. It was nice to talk to someone who didn’t expect anything from me.

His name was Andre. He was the same age I was when the world ended. His older brother Devon was the leader of their group, and now the remaining guys looked to Andre for guidance. Their group was living in Chicago when the world ended, and was all neighbors. The winters got pretty severe early on, without heating to help so they started their nomadic lifestyle then moving to better climates. There had been women in their numbers at the start, but they either died in childbirth or decided to stay with more stable groups along the way.

He liked it here for the most part, he and the other black guy that Troy let live (Andre’s younger cousin Will) had a few scuffles with the more out rightly racist people at first but people had gotten used to them being a part of the community quickly. He was even crushing on a girl named Sara, and was hoping that Troy would let them marry when he trusted them. Troy had already married off the rest of his group recently but left Andre and his cousin Will unmarried for now.

“ _Do you think it’s a race thing_?” I asked him one day.

“ _That or not trusting me because of my brother_.” He sighed, “ _Will is probably to young to be married anyway so no big deal there, he’s got to be seventeen now? The last time we were around women he was still a kid, I think he’s kinda afraid to get married. But Sara’s family doesn’t give a shit about race. Probably one of the few families around here that isn’t fucking racist.”_

_“Are people still giving you a hard time?”_

_“Not really…its hard to explain…its the little things people say. It sucks but it’s a whole lot easier to deal with than living on the road hungry and terrified of the living and dead.”_

In those weeks, those little half hour talks, Andre quickly became my best friend outside of the family. I confided in him about all the shit Troy had put me through since I had arrived at Broke Jaw, and my fears about this pregnancy. And he confided in me about his difficulties acclimating to the ranch, missing his brother and friends Troy killed and relief about finally being safe despite everything. I began to look forward to our time together.

Until one day Troy brought me my lunch instead.

“Please tell me he’s still alive!” I said crying. “He is a good friend.”

He studied me carefully, probably thinking I was cheating. “Should have known you’d get attached to a colored boy.”

“He’s my age! We had things in common! He and I both are kinda lonely. Of course we became friends Troy!” I said, “But it’s nothing more than that. I love you. You know I’m not interested in anyone else. And he’s only interested in Sara!”

Troy handed me my lunch tray and sat on the bed next to me. “Well that’s a good thing that I accepted her father’s request to have them marry yesterday. They got hitched yesterday afternoon and Andre and Will moved in with her parents. I gave him a few days leave as a honeymoon.”

I sighed in relief before starting to eat. “That’s good. They’ll be really happy together if she’s half as in love with him as he is with her.”

“But you wont be seeing him again.” Troy told me.

“Ok.” I said. It was probably the best for Andre’s safety, I didn’t need Troy getting jealous and killing him.

“I’ll bring you your lunch everyday.” He told me.

“Ok.” I said giving him a small smile. “Will you be able to stay and talk while I eat? I get lonely and bored all day here. I didn’t want to bug you about it though because I know you have a lot on your plate.”

Troy grinned at me. “You want me to spend time with you?”

“Of course. I kinda miss us just talking. Just being around you.” I told him honestly. “I know we only ever had done that at the cabin, but I miss it.”

“Okay baby. It’s a date.” He grinned. “I’ll even bring my own tray up tomorrow and we’ll eat together.”

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. I was proud of him. He let people different from him onto the ranch, he was trying to overcome prejudices, he talked to me before he let his jealousy run out of control over Andre, and he was listening to what I needed. He really was trying to change this time and I really wanted it to stick.

“So I’ve been thinking…” He started as I began to eat again. “I’ve named all our kids so far… and you do all the work making them. I think you should name this next one.”

“Mom and Marty think its twins.” I said.

“Even if they are twins. I think you more than earned naming privileges. I can veto of course. You got to veto the first name I came up with for Tessa.”

“Of course I vetoed it. We were not naming our daughter after your mother. She was not a good woman and she was horrible to her son.” I scoffed. “I do have a few names I’ve been kicking around for girls though, Cal helped me with one…he wanted to honor Layla and also not be the only C name in the family…”

“Does this mean I get to name them if their boys?” he said with a smile.

“Hell no!” I said, “It just means I have to do some thinking just in case they are boys.”

Troy laughed.

As I ate my lunch we continued to talk. It was nice. It felt that I was married to a friend.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

This was probably overly sentimental for me to do, and likely monumentally stupid. But I needed my brother back.

Hopefully three months was enough for him to regret the things he did?

This time I brought Coop and Jimmy as back up, and I arrived in the late afternoon when I knew he’d be coming back from his work with the livestock, he wouldn’t be expecting visitors.

So I knocked on my own brother’s door.

“Troy- what are you doing here?” He said when he answered the door.

“Came to check in on you. You good Jake?” I asked leaning against the doorframe.

“I miss my family. My wife, my kids…my baby brother.” He said sadly. “I never wanted you or Helen hurt Troy. I’m sorry.”

“This doesn’t mean I trust you again…or you're forgiven…but having two wives is fucking hard and I miss my brother.” I said. “I’d like you to move in with me until I’m sure you can be trusted again.”

Jake smiled. “Ok. I’ll pack some shit and I’ll be right up.”

I nodded. “Don’t betray me again brother. I don’t think I can stop myself from killing you a second time.”

Jake nodded and ran into his cabin to start packing. I turned and walked away, Coop and Jimmy on my six.

“I don’t know if this is a good move buddy.” Coop said, “There are some that think you were weak for not killing him…they might see this and forgiving him to fast.”

“True, but there's no way we're going to see if he’s really sorry or if he’s planning something else if we can't keep eyes on him.” Jimmy said before I could cut in.

“I’m giving Owen command of the new guys now that Marty says they’re ready. I’m going to add Jake to that team.” I told them, “They’re not going to be doing much more than guard duty and patrol but it will give me eyes on Jake. The new guys don’t like him because his plans got their friends and family killed and they are grateful to me for letting them live and build lives. And Owen is still one of us. If Jake is planning something we’ll find out soon.”

“But letting him have his family back? Sleep in your house?” Coop sighed, “You’d have to sleep with one eye open.”

“I’m just going to lock him and Mace in their room while I’m asleep.” I said, “Helen is going to pop any day now, and Mom’s worried.”

“Shit man.” Jimmy said. “Did she start bleeding again?”

“A little.” I sighed, “She looks like shit too. Mom is going to have Nate on standby for a transfusion just in case. But Helen told me at lunch today if it comes down to her or the kids, I’m supposed to let her die.”

“Like fucking hell.” Coop growled. “Char tried that shit on me too once. I had Doc cut Cara out of her and fight like hell to save her. Your Mom took care of Cara and Doc got Char through it. We’ll never have another kid probably but I don’t care as long as she’s alive.”

The both put hands on my shoulders and stopped me. “We got your back Troy. Always. And Helen’s too. Boss Lady is going to be fine brother.”

I nodded. I hoped they were right.

* * *

Jake’s kids were happy to have him back, and Jake was excited to meet Justin. It was nice to see that part of the family reunite at dinner.

I fucking missed Helen. I couldn’t wait until she could be at my side everyday.

I decided to rush through my meal and go spend time with her. I let the kids stay, Mace and Jake promised to wrangle them back home for me I just needed more time with my wife.

The more time I spent with her the more I was greedy for.

When I got to the house I heard screaming. I ran to my bedroom to find Helen on the floor of our bathroom, water broken and in labor.

“ _Boss Lady is in labor. Medical assistance needed asap.”_ I said into my radio before getting on the floor with her. “It’s going to be okay baby. I’m here.”

“I’m so scared. Isnt it to early? What if Mom and the Doc cant save us?” She cried.

“Its going to be fine baby.” I told her, not really sure myself if it would be, she didn’t look as lively with this pregnancy. I didn’t know if she had any fight in her.

Thankfully Mom, Doc Stanley and a few others of the medical team arrived before Helen could say anything else.

Unfortunately, no sooner had they arrived did Helen start to bleed.

“Okay Helen.” Doc Stanley said soothingly. “It looks like we’ll have to do a C-section after all. And before you panic, no it isn’t ideal in the apocalypse but we do just fine. I did these quite a bit when I was a resident. I know what I need to do.”

Medics got medicine out and injected Helen. She soon went to sleep. Nate arrived too and another medic started to take blood from him so they could give it to Helen after the delivery.

Doc picked up his scalpel and turned to Mom and the others. “Everyone knows who is keeping babies alive and who is fighting for Helen?”

They all nodded. And it began.

It was the bloodiest, scariest experience I’ve ever been through, but soon I had two beautiful baby girls that their Grandma and a few others were taking care of and Doc was stitching up Helen while another medic was giving her an IV of Nate’s blood.

After Doc was done he checked Helen’s vitals. “Not the best, but better than they were… Lets get her changed and in bed. I think rest is what is needed, her body went through a lot.”

Doc, Nate and I got Helen off the floor and got her to bed. We cleaned her up with a cloth and got her into some clean clothes before tucking her in.

I then turned my attention to Mom who was holding both girls, she had dressed them and wrapped one in a pink blanket and one in a purple blanket. “Two healthy girls. Lengths, weights and blood types recorded, the records just need their names.”

“She wanted to name them Cayla and Hanna if they were girls.” I said, “I gave her naming rights.”

Mom turned to a medic that held a binder that said OTTO on the cover. I knew the infirmary kept medical records by family name. “Baby A is Cayla Otto and Baby B is Hanna Otto.” She then turned to me, “Cayla is the one with your head of hair, and Hanna is the one bald one that looks exactly like Helen as a baby.” She said with a grin.

I sighed in relief when I held my little girls. “Hey girls. We’ve been waiting so long for you to join us. Your sister Tessa will say its been forever. I’m Dad. Your Mom and I love you very much.”

I watched as the medical team cleaned up and left and sat in the bed holding my daughters, waiting for my wife to meet them. But she was out.

_God, please let her wake up._

_I promise I’ll be a better man for her._

_I’m trying cant you see?_

As soon as the medics cleared out, my kids ran in. I looked to my doorway to find the rest of my family there looking lost.

I was lost too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The OTTO family  
> Troy/Helen  
> Caleb-9  
> Jacob- 8   
> Thomas -7  
> John- 6   
> Tessa-5   
> Cayla – newborn  
> Hanna- newborn
> 
> Jake/Macy  
> Megan -7  
> Jade -6  
> Mason – 3   
> Justin- three months
> 
> Nate/Mara  
> Marley -6  
> Noah -5   
> Lara – 2 
> 
> Jimmy/Gretchen  
> James- 6   
> Mike- 4  
> Kathryn -2
> 
> Coop/Charlene  
> Cindy- 5  
> Cooper- 3  
> Cara- 2


	11. you’re just like an angel, your skin makes me cry…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troy meets a kid named Nathan at a gun expo and his whole world changes.
> 
> (Troy's POV of part one and the aftermath of the birth of the twins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from Radiohead's "Creep" because I heard a cover of the song a few days ago and cant get the song out of my head.
> 
> reminder my tumblr is louisahalewrites if you want to chat on there about your ideas for this story and dont want to do an AO3 comment

10: you’re just like an angel, your skin makes me cry…

**_one year before the world ended…_ **

The guys and I were at a gun expo buying some stuff for the ranch. Mike and Coop were off buying ammo for the stuff we already had but Jimmy and I were checking out the sweet sniper rifles debating if the purchase was really needed.

“Troy we already have a ton of these that will get the job done.” Jimmy laughed as I petted the gun on display.

“But not with night vision Jimbo…” I sighed, “ _Night vision.”_

“Jeremiah said we were only supposed to stock up on ammo this trip.” Jimmy sighed, “But it’s your funeral.”

“Night. Vison. James. I’ll just get enough for our squad. Not for the whole ranch.” I told him before turning to the vendor. “I’ll take ten of these beauties.”

The vendor nodded and started writing up the order, he didn’t have ten with him but I could take five home with me today and he’d have the rest shipped from his business when he got back tomorrow. Once we paid, Jimmy and I turned to leave the booth and see what else was out there.

“Are you guys military?” Some kid standing with his Dad nearby asked.

“Naw. Troy wishes.” Jimmy said, “Asshole failed the psych eval.”

I glared at my supposed friend. That there is why Mikey was my best friend. That bullshit. “We’re Survivalists.” I told the kid, “My crew and I run the militia to protect our home. Dad and a few of his buddies started the place prepping for the end of Democracy.”

The kid grinned. “Told ya there are people like us out there Dad.”

The man nodded. “I knew it, just wanted to start my own place.” He said before turning to us. “I’m Brian, this is my son Nathan.”

“Troy.” I said sensing the recruiting opportunity. We needed younger people on the ranch. This Nate looked malleable enough to follow my lead. Brian rubbed me the wrong way but he could be handled. He reminded me of Dad, a Mr. Tough Guy that could only beat up women and children. “This is Jimmy. Why don’t we grab lunch? I can tell you guys about the place.”

They agreed and soon we were sitting at a picnic table outside a taco truck. We all looked at the food warily. “We don’t usually have this sort of food.” Nathan said.

Brian’s phone then rang and the rude asshole picked it up and started talking to the person on the other line. He called the woman a bitch, told her to stop calling him, and then started yelling about Helen and a Mexican kissing and to pull the bitch out of school. He then decided to leave the table.

Nathan looked at us with embarrassment. “My sister Helen turned fifteen today.” He explained, “Mom probably caught her canoodling with her brown boyfriend. She thinks I don’t know about him but I’m not as stupid as she thinks. I just don’t know how to keep my little sister pure in fucking LA” he spat. “My parents are stupid for raising us there.”

What was I his fucking therapist? I looked to Jimmy who rolled his eyes at Nathan. We didn’t give a shit about this family unless they were coming to the ranch. Then Natey pulled up a picture of him and a girl to show us and I decided it was my mission that this family would come to live at the ranch.

Those eyes… that smile…that long light brown hair in braided pigtails…I was a fucking goner.

When Brian came back raving to Nate about how he was going to beat some sense into Helen I felt very protective of the girl. No way in hell was this asshole laying a finger on her…and no one else was either…she was mine.

I talked fucking Brian down and convinced him that the only way to solve the problem with LA’s terrible influence on his daughter was to come to the ranch. Then went into my whole sales pitch for my home. Jimmy did his part too. Brian and Nate were hooked about halfway through. I gave them my cell and Dad’s number if they had any questions and Jimmy and I left to go meet up with Mike and Coop.

* * *

**_eight months before the end of the world…_ **

All the phone calls from Natey-poo and his idiot father were worth it the day I first saw her in the flesh.

Her family had just driven here and my guys and I were taking an inventory of the stuff they brought to buy their place here. It was a pretty good haul; Natey and Brian were good listeners at least.

Her mother was kind, and a former nurse. She would be useful to have around. Brian was a mechanic…we had a ton of those I hoped he had other skills that could be useful. Natey was gun-ho about joining the militia. Good, I needed good listeners.

I had already asked Dad to assign Helen to the gardens to keep her away from the men. Dad got that knowing smile on his face, like he knew exactly my intentions for her and agreed. I knew the old bastard would support it, the age difference between Helen and I had nothing on my own parents’ age gap.

Most Ottos were dirty old perverts.

Seeing her step out of the RV, looking all pissed off and perfect nearly knocked me out. If just seeing her photo made her decide she was mine then seeing her perfect little form in person made me fall in love.

There was no way the girl was only fifteen or still a virgin like Natey hoped. Those tits…that ass…those thighs and hips…the whole package… the woman was made for a man, was made to take a pounding, bear children. I wouldn’t rest until any man that has ever had her was dead, until she was only mine and she had my son in her belly.

How dare she not save herself for me? How did she not know we belonged together?

I put Jimmy in charge of the inventory and walked away. I was getting angry at this train of thought. I had no reason to believe she was anything but pure. Especially the way she was clinging to Nate and Ms. Lauren, hiding behind them looking warily at all my guys mulling around moving the shit out of their RV. No, it was likely she was pure. She was saving herself for me.

She just didn’t know it was me she was saving herself for.

* * *

I had been keeping my eye on her the whole week, her pissed expression slowly faded to sadness and loneliness as her family slowly abandoned her when they made new friends. She hadn’t made friends yet, all the women who worked in the gardens were older and the teens haven’t had time to get to know her.

That would be okay soon. When she and I were together she’d never be alone. She wouldn’t ever need anyone but me.

I saw her looking sadly at her brother one day at dinner and decided to sit with her and not my friends. It was about time I talked to her, after spending the week making sure no other man did it was best to make my intentions known publicly before anyone else got any ideas about my woman.

She didn’t even notice I sat down across from her until I spoke. She jumped a little and gritted out her name.

Her voice was beautiful. Maybe I was biased because I was already gone over her. The short little conversation we had was short and she was honest. And thank god, she was pure as the snow.

When she told me she wasn’t interested in me all I could do was laugh. Didn’t she see that she didn’t have a choice? Sweet little thing thought running from the table was going to deter me?

* * *

**_six months before the end of the world…_ **

I backed off for a few months. She obviously needed some time to adjust to her new home and wasn’t ready for a relationship. That didn’t mean I didn’t always have an eye on her. Had to make sure no one was sniffing around my woman.

But seeing her at the range? I couldn’t keep away any longer. I needed a hit. I wanted to feel her in my arms finally. And I couldn’t help myself pressing my hard dick into her backside as I took the weapon from her.

She had to know what she did to me.

But…I freaked her out again. She was to polite to tell me and answered my questions as I asked them, but she looked relieved when Gretchen called her for Bible Study.

Good she was getting right with the Lord while she made friends. Those slimy teens boys wouldn’t put hands on her when they studied the good book. And Gretchen was my best friends baby sister, she knew who Helen belonged to, I’m the one who told her to befriend her after all, she would make sure she was alright.

I did know after this conversation she was still gone over that Mexican. I would find his full name out from Nate soon. This asshole was just asking for a painful death.

* * *

**_three months before the end of the world…_ **

When Ms. Lauren came up to the big house in tears, insisting on talking to Dad, I knew I had to listen in. She told Dad the whole story about what that shit Brian did and Dad reassured them that Brian would be handled and Ms Lauren should focus on being there for Helen while she heals.

When Ms. Lauren left Dad turned to me. “You can't kill him yet.”

I scoffed.

“Really boy, play it smart here.”

“That piece of shit knows Helen is mine.” I growled, “The only ones on this ranch that don’t know is Natey, Lauren and Helen. I have every right to kill him.”

“Not if you want her to come to you willingly.” He said. “If someone killed me, even with our history, how would you feel about them?”

“I’d kill them.” I told him, “They have no right to hurt my family. That’s our business.”

“Exactly.” He said, “Helen probably has a complicated relationship with her Dad too.”

I nodded. “Fine. I’m still beating his ass.”

“Please do.” Dad said, “Brain knows that he shouldn’t lay a hand on what isn’t his.”

I nodded and ran to find that piece of shit.

Her thanks afterward was worth the bloody knuckles.

* * *

**_the day the world ended…_ **

Dad had been right. Not killing Brian but beating his ass did help Helen trust me. It started with a little kiss on the cheek, she would now smile at me every time she saw me now, sometimes she would start talking to me, and her damn blush every time I threw a pet name at her was _everything_. She was finally warming up to me.

But today everything changed. We got confirmation that what had been happening wasn’t the flu or a government ploy. Jake had called and told us what he saw, and Dad held a community meeting.

I was pissed; I was going to take Helen out for her sweet sixteen tonight. It was just to see a movie and have dinner but I had been planning the surprise for awhile. The world couldn’t wait to end until after our first date?

But I had been waiting all my life for something like this to happen. Dad had trained me for democracy to fall and to protect my home. My plans for Helen would have to change…

For some reason Dad was unraveling, as soon as the meeting was over he started drinking and rambling at how Jake was supposed to be here and he couldn’t do this without him.

I was fucking here. And Jake was fucking weak.

I told him as much but he started freaking out about me, how he wouldn’t be able to control me and he should have killed me when I was five and I killed my first rabbit.

Why were him and Jake so obsessed with the damn rabbits?

Then he drew his gun on me and started saying he needed to get rid of me before I brought the ranch down.

How safe would the ranch be with this alcoholic as its leader? They’d all be dead in a year…

An image of Helen, bullet in her brain, beautiful face lifeless, flashed in my mind and I knew what I had to do. No one else would protect her and love her like I could. I wasn’t going to let my father kill me.

The old man was shaky and he fired but the shot went wide, giving me the chance to draw my weapon and kill him first.

I sighed. I now had a body to bury, shit to move and plans for the ranch to think up and only the night to do it.

Tomorrow everything would be exactly right in the world. ** _  
_**

* * *

**_one week after the twins are born…_ **

I had never been much of a drinker. My parents had both been mean drunks and I never wanted to see how much of a joy I’d be drunk, people were already terrified of me sober. But this week had been one of the shittiest weeks of my life.

Yes, I had two beautiful girls.

Yes, I had my brother back.

But my wife had only gotten worse.

I had done my best, pulling out all the stops for her. I’d taken care of my Mom when she was sick and I knew that bitch hated me since she found out she was carrying me. I had just wanted her to love me, just for a second. Helen, she loved me despite her best interests. And I loved her more than I thought was even possible. If I could take care of the hateful bitch that was Tracy Otto, then I could take care of my wife and our children, I could bring her back.

I threw the bottle down at the headstone next to me and as the remainder of the liquid drained on to _her_ grave I lay down between the two graves. The alcohol wasn’t helping to numb the pain at all. Just making it worse.

After three days, I lost hope that she’d wake; at four days I started to pray harder begging God for the first time in my life. On day six Mom, (who had been more of a Mom to me than Tracy ever had) made the call that I was to chickenshit to make.

They moved Helen to the infirmary this morning, and cuffed her to the bed, getting ready for her to die and turn. For the first time since our twins were born I left Helen’s side grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the infirmary stash. I was to much of a coward to watch my wife die.

Soon I would have to bury her here, in the family plot and I didn’t know how I was supposed to go on and raise our kids after this.

Everything I had done was for her, for our home, our family…to keep it all safe. Without Helen life didn’t seem worth it.

I took my gun out and cocked it. _God, I love that sound_. Could I do it? Could I leave my kids behind in the world just because I was to much of a pussy to go on without their mother?

Helen would kill me if she found out I even considered such a thing. I had been the one who insisted on children. I had been the one to knock up a sixteen year old in the first place and made us parents. I had been the one to insist on another kid when we already had five and she had suffered miscarriage after miscarriage. This family had been my dream. She loved the kids more than I loved her, and if she knew I considered leaving them to fend for themselves…

I grinned. I would definitely kill to see the bratty little bitch my wife could be when she was pissed off one more time. I’d never thought I’d miss that.

I put the safety on and put my gun back in its holster. I’d stick around at least until my sons were ready to lead and my daughters were safe in their marriages. Then I’d see Helen again.

Sixteen years at least without her…

That was to long.

Did I have it in me to take another wife? No…I didn’t think so. And if I ever did I didn’t have it in me to love the next one. No one would be Helen. I would love no one but her for the rest of my days.

I started to sob for the first time since my childhood. I felt like my entire essence had been taken away. My heart and soul were all gone. I was just a shell of a man. Just waiting to turn at this point.

_Please God. Let her live. I’ll be the man she deserves. I need her._

_“Troy…where are you?”_ I heard my radio crackle.

No…it couldn’t be…Mom and Doc were sure there was no more hope…

“ _She’s awake son.”_ Mom’s voice said, “ _It’s a genuine miracle.”_

I shot up off the ground and spat on both my mother and father’s graves. “She’s not joining you today assholes.” I said flipping them off and running toward the person that made this life worth living.

* * *

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

So much pain… my family’s words of encouragement… my husband’s hand in my own…the cries of my newborns…my children telling me how much they love me…Troy begging me to stay with him over and over…

I was trying… but there was so much pain…and I was so tired…

I didn’t know how much time had past before I was able to at least wake up. But I was sad to see that only Mom was at my bedside and I was chained to an infirmary bed.

“Helen.” Mom said excitedly grabbing her radio. “Oh baby we were sure we’d lost you. Here, he wont believe it unless he hears your voice.”

“Troy…where are you…” I was able to rasp out into the radio before I felt sleep claiming me again. I heard Mom talking and medics scrambling around but I couldn’t fight it any longer…

* * *

The next time I woke it was nighttime, and it wasn’t so much of a battle to open my eyes. I noted I was in my bed at home this time and not chained anymore.

I squeezed the hand in mine and smiled when my husband shot up in bed. “Helen!” he said with a smile, “Thank god baby. I missed you.”

“How long?” I asked.

“Eight long ass days baby.”

I had missed so much with my newborns already.

“I’m sorry.” I said, “So much pain…so tired.”

“Nothing to be sorry for baby.” He said kissing my forehead. “You heal up. The kids and I just want you better. Cayla and Hanna can’t wait to meet you.”

I grinned. “You kept my names.”

He laughed. “Of course I did. They’re asleep now, or I would go grab them…Cayla takes after the Otto side I’m pretty sure she has your nose and eyes though…Hanna looks a lot lake a baby picture your Mom has of you. I’m not the only one with clones now.”

I smiled. “I can’t wait to meet them…” I sighed.

“Are you hungry? You’ve had nothing but IV fluids for a week.” He asked.

“Yeah.” I said.

Troy stood up and turned on a gas-powered lamp to light the room. “We have to go old school for lighting for a bit. Jakey hooked up the fridge and stove to the generator this week for me because Mace and some other ladies have been pumping excess milk for the girls.” He explained, “Gretch also made you some veggie soup today when she heard you woke up last night. I can go heat some up for you. I’ll probably heat a few bottles too, the girls are due for one soon. You can meet them while I get you all fed.”

I smiled at him as he left the room in a hurry, smile on his face and closed my eyes for a little cat nap. He came back minutes later with a bowl in one hand, the lamp in another and two bottles tucked under his arm. Once he steeled everything on my nightstand he moved pillows around to help me sit up.

Everything hurt, and I was still tired. But hunger and the need to meet my girls were stronger than pain and tiredness. Troy helped me eat and chattered about how the kids were holding up.

When I couldn’t eat anymore he set the bowl aside and put a pillow on my lap, it was then I heard the soft little cries from our closet.

“That’s Hanna.” He grinned, getting up. “You’ll know it when Cayla is awake…”As soon as he said that I heard a wail so loud I had flashbacks to Jay when he was a baby.

Troy came back and was soothing both girls, who quieted down as soon as Daddy had them. He settled then on my lap and I observed them.

They both looked back at me with my eyes, observing me, as if trying to place me. “Hi babies. I’m Mommy.” I swore they both giggled as Troy handed me a bottle and he held one for Hanna to eat. I did the same for Cayla. “They’re so beautiful.” I said crying.

We stayed there in silence as the girls ate and fell asleep again. Troy held them up for me to kiss goodnight before he took them back to their cribs. He then came back and settled me back into bed.

“Thank you for taking such good care of us Troy.” I said.

“Its my job baby.” He said kissing me, “In sickness and in health.”

“We never took vows.” I said confused.

“We should have. I should have cherished you more from the start.” He said settling back into bed. “I love you so much. I was so afraid I lost you.”

“I’m here. I love you too Troy.” I said before drifting back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m thinking this story is getting near its end within the next few chapters...and i’m sad because i’ve grown attached.


	12. poison and wine...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eleven years of Troy Otto’s obsession with me. 
> 
> Eleven years of being a mental and physical punching bag. 
> 
> I wasn’t a child anymore. I didn’t want to let this cycle continue. I couldn’t let my kids think this was acceptable behavior, and I deserved better.
> 
> Edited for typos 30 Oct 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at the end of this chapter is an updated character list and some notes about relationships.
> 
> title of this chapter is from The Civil Wars song "Poison and Wine" its on my tumble (louisahalewrites) if you want to hear.
> 
> POLL: this will probably wrap up in two or three more parts so the question is do you guys want a flash forward epilogue or should i leave it open in case more inspiration strikes?

11: poison and wine...

**_troy otto pov…_ **

It had been over six months since the babies were born and I almost lost my wife, but things were okay again. Helen was healed, she had a nasty scar and she wasn’t confident in her body but I think she’s even more gorgeous. The kids were healthy and happy. My home was safe. Everything was a-okay in the world.

Doc warned us that if we were in the old world he would have ran tests on Helen based on her miscarriages, periods the last few years and all the bleeding during her last few pregnancies. He was sure we’d have a difficult time keeping a baby from now on. I didn’t mind pulling out and not having more kids. We had a ton, and Helen wouldn’t leave with seven kids in the middle of an apocalypse. Plus I loved them all…for the first time in my life my heart felt full.

In the dinner line tonight Marty had asked if I could come see him and Mom at their place after the meal. I thought nothing of it at the time, thinking maybe Marty had gotten bored in his retirement and wanted back in the militia.

Boy was I wrong.

“What did you just say to me?” I said while sitting at the RV’s kitchen table across from my mother-in-law and a man who I considered a friend.

“Macy wants to petition for a divorce.” Marty repeated, “Jake is talking about stealing an RV, taking the kids and her and leaving the ranch. She doesn’t want to do that.”

Jake was quiet since he moved in, helpful but quiet. Owen and the guys on his squad told me that he was doing all the jobs that he was told but they were wary of him. I had just been writing it off as the guys not liking Jake for his betrayal of the community. Macy seemed ecstatic when Jake first came back but soon turned sad, I was to busy focusing on my wife to deal with my brothers wife but didn’t know their issues were this....

“That’s what I thought you said.” I growled, slamming my fists on the table. “Why couldn’t she tell me or Helen this?”

“She’s afraid of who you’ll marry her off to.” Mom said, “She’s afraid of losing her kids when you kill her husband. Jake hasn’t let his anger go.”

I couldn’t marry her to me again, two wives was a headache. And Helen would be jealous as hell. I couldn’t leave her unmarried because that was one of my rules. And I didn’t really want to take my sisters kids from her because my brother was a fucking moron.

There were two unmarried men right now. I wasn’t giving her to that Will kid (we called him Little Will because Helen said Black Will was inappropriate) he was to green to protect my family. But… Blakey’s wife Anne had just killed herself after giving birth to a dead baby. He was still around because he had a two-year-old daughter to look after. It sucked to lose another member of my community to suicide and a female militia member, someone I grew up with, and I didn’t like to see Blakey mourn again.

Everyone had lost so much.

Blake was solid, and he might not be able to have a single thought that was his own but like Natey he was loyal to me.

It was times like these that I was glad my brother didn’t have a radio anymore.

“ _Jimbob, Cop arrest Jeremiah Otto JR_ _and send his wife to her father’s place_.” I said into my radio, “ _Blakers please report to Martian’s RV.”_

 _“Can I bring Janey?”_ Blake asked.

“ _Yes please bring my favorite Sarno I need a pick me up.”_ I said, the girl was almost as adorable as my own kids and I wouldn’t have a violent outburst in front of a kid

We sat in silence until Macy, Blake and Jane arrived. Macy stood behind her father and Blake and Jane sat next to me. “Congrats Mace! I’ve granted your divorce.”

She started tearing up. “I tried to talk him down Troy, I really did. I wanted my family to stay together. What will happen to my kids?”

I turned to Jane. “How do your feel about some big sisters and a couple of brothers?”

The little blonde clapped, and I turned to her Dad. “What do you say Blakers? Can you raise my nieces and nephews for me and honor the marriage arrangements I’ve already put in place for them?”

“Sure thing Troy.” He said before turning to Macy, “It might get a bit crowded in my cabin, its only two rooms but I’d never ask you to be separated from you kids for me.”

Macy sighed in relief and wiped her eyes.

I smiled. “Well I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Sarno! Kiss your bride Blake! Welcome to the family!”

He got up and they shared a chaste peck on the lips. Adorable.

Jane hugged me. “Uncle Troy?” she asked, “Family now?”

I laughed. “We were always family Janey. Everyone on the ranch is family especially my family, your dad, and your uncles Joe, Owen, Coop and Jimmy. You’re my goddaughter, but now you’re my niece and you have cousins too.”

She looked like it all went over her head but she smiled at me.

Marty spoke up. “Hyia Jane. I’m Grandpa Marty and this is Grandma Lauren.”

The girl jumped up on the table and launched herself into Marty’s arms. He and Mom laughed.

“She’s never had grandparents before, my wife and I were the last of our families.” Blake explained.

Macy grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Well you have plenty of family now that you’re an extended branch of the Otto family.”

Blake smiled at her. “The guys and I can help you and the kids move in tomorrow? Give you the night to explain to them what happened.”

She kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

“I’ll walk you to the big house.” He said, “You can introduce us officially.”

Soon the three left us and I stared and Mom and Marty.

“Can you do this son?” Marty asked.

I looked to them both. Could I really kill my brother? I don’t regret killing Dad, it was me or him but Jakey… I didn’t know if I could. I love the asshole even though he hated me.

“I don’t know if I can kill him.” I sighed.

“Banish him?” Mom asked.

“He knows this land almost as well as I do.” I said. “He’ll be back.”

“Does he?” Marty asked, “It's my understanding that this desert was your playground from a young age. He may call the ranch home but he loved the city more, he was a different person there, more confident in his skin he loved being a lawyer. Does he really know the desert around us or understand the importance of this valley?”

“No.” I said, “He always wanted to leave this place. I think the dead only kept him here this long.”

“Then give him what he wants son.” Mom said, “I know you don’t have it in your heart to kill your brother.”

I nodded and stood. “Marty can you pack an older truck with a survival pack please? Enough supplies that he can survive for a month on…he’s going to have to travel far to scavenge, we picked the towns around here clean.”

“Sure thing Troy.” He said, and we both left the RV.

I made my way to the bunkhouse that I knew Coop and Jimmy would use for holding Jake and made my way inside, my friends flanking me.

“So I hear you want to leave Jakey.” I said, taking out my knife and cutting the rope tying him to the bunk. “Why couldn’t you just let it go? Why can't you just be happy here with me?” I asked when I finished sitting myself next to him.

“I love you brother but I never belonged here.” Jake sighed, “I only stayed so long because I needed to know the truth about Dad. Just let me and my family leave.”

“Macy doesn’t want to leave.” I told him, “You want her and the kids out in the unknown with you? Abandon safety and everyone they know for almost certain death?”

“Troy we’re in a valley in the middle of the desert.” He growled at me, “This isn’t going to last forever. One day we’ll run out of water or we’ll have a food shortage, and with the population growing it's only going to get worse.”

“Our food and water reserves will last us five years.” I told him, “and rainfall is up for the first time ever, the earth is recovering from what the human race did to it.” I said,” Meat might be a problem for a few years, but if we keep bringing back animals we find and building up our herds we should be okay. The land in the valley is fertile, and with the springs in the mountains we have dependable water sources too.”

“There's got to be a safer place out there though, more dependable and defensible than this wasteland.” Jake spat, “Let me take my family and find it.”

“You don’t have a family anymore Jake.” I said standing up, “You gave them up, Blake will take care of them now.”

“You can't do that!” He yelled standing up and pulling his knife, quickly slamming me against the wall and putting the blade to my throat.

I raised my eyebrow at him and then looked to my friends who were supposed to disarm him when arresting him. Jerks. 

“You forget. I can do whatever the fuck I want.” I said calmly as Jimmy and Coop drew their guns. “So what’s your play Jakey? Are Cooper and Jimmy going to kill you or do you want to leave?”

“I thought you said I couldn’t…”

“Your kids and Macy aren’t leaving, Marty is packing a truck for you now.”

He stared at the blade. “I should kill you…it would be better for everyone…” he whispered, “But I can't…”

“I have the same problem brother.” I said as he sheathed his knife, “Hence exile.”

He nodded. “Ok. I’ll go. Can I say goodbye?”

“No. Not to Macy or the kids.” He looked like he wanted to stab me again but kept his hands off his blade. “Goodbye brother. Coop and Jimmy will see you out.”

He nodded, still looking pissed. “Goodbye brother.”

Coop and Jimmy dragged him away and I sighed. I wasn’t going to watch him go, I already gave them instructions follow him until he was off our land and then come back.

I made my way home to update Helen. I hoped she was willing to hug my pain away, this really fucking hurt.

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

It had been a bit over four months since Jake’e exile and Troy was still depressed. I understood it was his brother but his depression was made worse by his drinking.

Apparently he had tried our fathers’ favorite hobby while I was dying and decided to take it up again once Jake was banished. Coop, Jimmy and I were running the ranch, Troy only came out of the house to eat or raid the infirmary’s alcohol supply, even though alcohol was illegal outside of the infirmary’s use, Troy didn’t care.

When I tried to take the bottle away he punched me in the stomach, right in my c-section scar. So I let him drink. I couldn’t deal with it. I had a ranch to run and kids to raise, and my husband was becoming more like his dad by the day. If he wanted to drink our life away he could.

Fuck him.

He spent most of his nights on the couch anyway. Which was fine by me, it hurt to see this person in my husband's body. This man was different than the man I loved. There was Troy the wonderful husband and dad who took care of us all while I healed; there was psycho Troy who protected our ranch and family with a ferocity that terrified me; there was abusive Troy who preferred mind games and manipulating me to using his fists but would on occasion; but alcoholic Troy was fucking insane and violent when he wasn’t drinking or asleep.

For the last month he had taken to raping me violently at night and slapping me around when I tried to say no. I hated it, but I didn nothing about it despite Coop and Jimmy’s begging. Troy was my husband and he was hurting so I took it until he could work it out.

This morning he crossed a fucking line that I was not tolerating.

Tommy and Johnny were helping me clean up the bottles around the living room while we thought Troy was passed out. He woke up, threw Johnny across the room and smashed and bottle on Tommy’s head.

So I pulled my gun.

He paused and gave me a wicked smile. “You going to kill me whore?” he laughed, “Please do. I knew you’d betray me. Everyone does.”

Cal and Jay ran into the room and pulled their guns too. Troy had given then and Tommy weapons back before Jake was banished, I was very thankful they were armed now, it didn’t think just my weapon would keep Troy where he was. “Boys call your Uncles up here for Mommy please? Tell them Code Orange.”

Jay holstered his gun and spoke on his radio; Cal still had his gun drawn. He was shaking and so was I.

“There's no such thing as a Code Orange you dumb bitch.” He spat.

I would not cry in front of this monster. “There has been since you became a drunk.”

Coop and Jimmy were running in the door in a moment. I knew they were never far away since Troy started spiraling. We had all thought he’d get sober on his own. But we figured out a plan to help him get there if he stared escalating. I just had to tell them when I was ready to implement it.

They cuffed him and gagged him for me and dragged him away. When he was gone, I called Mom to come take a look at the boys and started to cry.

* * *

**_a week later…_ **

Troy had been locked up in the shed for a week with a months supply of military rations and water since the day he hurt the kids. The boys were only bruised and dazed from the incident and had all healed.

The emotional scars on the family would take a long time to heal.

I opened the little window so I could speak to my drunk of a husband. “Sober yet?”

“Fuck Helen.” He moaned, “I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Are the kids okay? Jesus Christ I was a monster.”

“Yeah, you’ve been pretty horrible… I really thought you had changed for the better but you’ve only become worse since Jake left.”

He stood so he could look out. “Helen, I was just so fucking down. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I did at all. Or the things I said… I promised to treat you better. I promised God and you.”

“God and I know better Troy.” I said letting the tears fall, “You always break your promises eventually.”

“I didn’t mean to baby…”

“But you do it anyway. You always make the choice to hurt me. But hurting the kids I wont let happen.” I said. “You’re staying here and sobering up for another few weeks. Then when you come back home you can stay in the guest room. I can’t even look at you anymore.”

“No I’m staying in our room.” He growled, “You’re my wife!”

“And you’re my abuser.” I spat. “I’m sick of this cycle Troy.”

He gaped at me and I shut the window. I could hear him screaming but I ignored it and walked away.

* * *

**_two weeks later…_ **

I missed the good version of Troy. The sweet man that loved holding hands and talking with me, the man that made me feel like a goddess when we made love, the man that was playful and loving with our children, my partner. The good times were really good with him…

It’s the bad times I was fucking sick of. This rollercoaster. It wasn’t just the creepy and coercive way we began anymore, it was everything else; manipulating, jealously, name-calling, beatings, cheating and now drinking…did I fucking miss anything? I was tired. By Troy’s count it’s been almost eleven years since he met Nate at the expo… we were coming up on our ten-year anniversary soon.

Eleven years of Troy Otto’s obsession with me. Eleven years of being a mental and physical punching bag. I wasn’t a child anymore. I didn’t want to let this cycle continue. I couldn’t let my kids think this was acceptable behavior, and I deserved better.

I deserved the good times. Not the bad ones.

I sighed and kissed the twins setting them down for a nap as I made my way to the main room to interview some newcomers that Sam and Dave’s teams caught while they were clearing the surrounding area of the Infected.

Two men, a woman and a toddler had been riding around in a van and flagged down our guys for help with a flat tire. The men were brothers, the woman (Lily) and the older man (John) were married the girl (Rose) was their child. Lily and the younger guy (Jason) were around my age. John seemed to be in his thirties.

Before Troy changed the rules about race the militia would have killed the family on sight, as the woman and child were black. But since the rule changes, everyone found got a fair shot at joining us if they wanted to.

I sat down and began my interview. “So my guys said that you knew what our community was called?”

Lily spoke, “We met this guy on the road. He pointed us in this direction. He said he used to live here but wanted to leave. We thought he was crazy when he told us about this place…who would want to leave a safe place these days? But when we saw your men well we knew Jake wasn’t shitting us.”

They met Jake…Jake had sent them? Well, he must have deemed them good people if he sent them our way, he wouldn’t want dangerous people near his kids, no matter how pissed he was.

So I continued the interview and they passed all the tests and questions we had laid out, and agreed to the community rules. They were agreeable people. It was nice. Refreshing. No push back, no arguments, no power struggle…they must really want their family to stay safe, must have been really been hard raising a kid on the road.

So I assigned John and Jason to Hunter’s team to train, and Lily to kitchen duty, then assigned an RV to the family. We had about four available because people had decided to build cabins as their families expanded. They agreed to a probationary period before we married Jason off, they understood completely.

They worked out their shifts so one of them would always be with Rose, as they didn’t trust the community yet either…I understood, I wouldn’t want to leave my babies in the care of strangers these days.

Lily, John and Rose left to go settle in for the night in their new RV as it was well past dinnertime, the militia showed them out. I smiled at Jason when I noticed he didn’t follow.

“Something else you need?” I laughed. He was really handsome; they had all showered and changed before my interview and he looked completely different from when the guys brought them in.

“What happened there?” He asked pointing to the yellowing hand shaped bruise around my neck.

“Husband got a little to drunk. I’m okay.” I smiled reassuringly.

“I thought that was against your rules.” He said concerned.

“It is.” I said, “Don’t worry about it. He’s being punished.”

“No man should ever hurt a woman.” He said reaching for my hand and squeezing it, “I’m sorry you went through this.”

“Let go of my hand Jason.” I said.

“I can take care of you.” He said, using my hand to pull me closer and kiss me.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

It felt _wrong_ to be kissed by someone that wasn’t Troy. It wasn’t a bad kiss it just made me feel disgusting. So I bit him.

“You bitch.” He yelled.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” I told him, “I don’t know what is wrong with you but I have no interest in you and did not give you consent to touch me.”

He laughed. “There's no such thing as consent anymore. You’re a young widow with to many kids and I can help you protect them in this world provided you let me use your body.”

I rolled my eyes. “Even if my husband wasn’t very much alive, I still wouldn’t choose someone like you.” I told him before I took out my radio. “ _Coop, I have one that’s untrustworthy, can you lock him up for me_?”

“Fuck you.” Jason said moving to hit me, and I pulled my gun.

“Please make another move.” I told him, “I’m really tired of men telling me what to do.”

It took a few moments for Coop to come and take Jason away. I sighed and went upstairs to make the kids clean up their playroom and take baths.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

Based my conversations with Coop and Jimmy when they visited I’d been locked up for three weeks. Was I pissed that my closest friends and wife did this to me? A little, but I understood I had become a monster. Worse than my parents ever were.

I hurt the kids and Helen more than ever before.

What a fuck up.

Everything had been perfect and Jake went and fucked it up. My own brother chose to leave me it made me sure that everyone else would one day, so I started to drink and drink. Funny thing was with alcohol (that I should have known already) it only makes things worse.

My kids wouldn’t even visit, Helen had only visited once, the rest of the family didn’t either only my best friends took pity on me. Jimmy and Coop always gave it to me straight, they were loyal but they would check me if I went to far; and Blake, Joe and Owen were my childhood friends too, they’ve seen me at my worst and always supported me, but they would back any criticism if Coop and Jimmy voiced it first.

The six of us were all that was left from my original team. The group of guys that I grew up with, that had been on the ranch since diapers and we grew up raising hell. I had always called Mike my best friend just because he always deferred to me, but he was soft. These guys always had my back and could hold their own. I knew that if they wanted to any one of them could kill me and take over the ranch. But they didn’t, they banded together to keep me in check, to try to get me sober and back at my best.

I owed them. They were better brothers to me than Jake was. I can’t believe I spent all this time and ruined my home life for that loser Jeremiah Jr.

Based on the suns position. It had to be sometime after lunch. I was expecting a few of the guys soon. I planned on thanking them for their help.

But then people started to scream and the sirens sounded.

Pure unadulterated fear spread through me. That meant there were multiple Infected on the ranch and we were under attack. That meant every civilian should lock down and arm up and all militia was called to duty.

My home was in danger and I was locked in a fucking shed.

How did they get through our defenses?

Then I remembered something Coop told me last night about new people joining the ranch, people Jake sent here. Helen trusted them because Jake’s kids were here, so they must be safe people to let in. Thing was, Jake was more sane than Dad and I, but he _was_ an Otto. And we would rather see what we loved obliterated than told we couldn’t have it anymore. For Jake it was his family and freedom, for me it was this ranch… before Helen and the kids came along.

Coop opened the shed door and threw me my tactical vest. “Need fighters. You good?”

I put on the vest. “Yes, Jake did this.”

“Helen has a woman at the house that confessed.” Coop said, “Said Jake told her man to poison the coffee with something. Guy said he’d kill her daughter if she didn’t do it.”

“What was it?” I said as we started to move.

“I don’t know, but Jimmy and Blake went to go lock up this guy and get the kid, the woman she said she wouldn’t talk until she knew her kid was safe. Apparently this guy and his brother kidnapped her a few years ago.”

I looked around, people were throwing up and rolling around in pain… community members had died and were now attacking members of their family… it was madness everywhere.

“ _All Milita and Medical. The coffee was poisoned with Anthrax.”_ Came Helen’s voice, “ _Anyone that drank the coffee at lunch needs to be shackled, kill anyone that has already turned_.”

I grabbed Coops radio. “ _Boss Man seconds that order. Protect our home. Perimeter guards go back to back and make sure no outsiders ambush us. This was Jake Ottos doing.”_

We made it to the armory and I grabbed a machete and cuffs, Coop grabbed an axe, and other militia members were grabbing cuffs and silent weapons galore.

Before this attack our population was up to almost three hundred and fifty. As I left the armory and started chaining and killing my own people I wondered how many we would lose.

And I hoped to God that I didn’t lose any more family. Losing community members was going to be horrible enough, but I needed what was left of my family.

* * *

Sixty dead.

It took hours to chain everyone who was sick, and kill those who had died and then a few days to see who would survive the poison. But in the end sixty citizens had either been killed by the poison or torn apart by the Infected.

Ten of them were kids torn apart by their own parents.

I’ve seen a lot of fucked up shit in my life. I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit too. But I never thought I’d see this kind of carnage happen to my own people.

This had to be payback from God for what I did at the base and for what I did to Helen and the kids…

I stepped into my house for the first time in weeks. I hadn’t been able to sleep since the crisis began and Helen had told me I was welcome home and in our bed when the all clear was given. I found my wife and kids in the main room waiting for me.

Jay stood, “Are your drunk Dad or real Dad?”

“I’m real me.” I said falling to my knees and beginning to cry, “I’m so sorry for what I did.”

My older kids rushed me and hugged me too joining me in my tears. They’ve probably seen some serious shit too, on top of what I put them through.

After a minute I looked up and saw Helen holding hands with two little toddlers as they waddled over towards us.

When did the twins become one year olds? I missed so much while being an asshole.

I cried harder as the little ones and Helen joined us. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay Dad.” Tommy said from behind me, “Mommy explained your mind was sick, we’re going to help you get better.”

I looked Helen in the eye at that comment. “Alcohol abuse is a sickness Troy. I warned the kids that it runs in both our families, and it changes a person. Makes them a bad version of themselves and only care about drinking.”

I nodded, that sounded like me the past few months.

“Helen, I’m not making any promises, because I know I always break them. But I want to get better…” I begged.

“Well for starters, only Doc and his second in command have a key to where we store the liquor.” She told me, “So that temptation is out of your hands.”

I sighed in relief. That was for the best.

“And next, all decisions for this ranch and family are fifty-fifty from now on. You are not the only boss anymore. You lost that right.” She finished.

A year ago, her taking control from me and bossing me around would have made me fly into a rage at her disrespect. Now? I would do whatever she wanted to keep her and the kids from leaving me. I didn’t care about being the only one in charge anymore.

“If you ever lay a violent finger on any of us again I will kill you.” She said, fire in her eyes.

I believed her. I'd let her.

And to tell you the truth…Boss Lady taking control was kinda hot.-

* * *

Later, after the kids were tucked in and I showered I crawled into my bed. I didn’t reach for Helen, because I knew I didn’t deserve to hold her but I whispered. “I love you.”

“I took care of all the marriages and adoptions this morning for the survivors." She said, ignoring me, "The woman who poisoned the coffee…I pardoned her and her daughter and married her to Little Will. It turns out she’s only eighteen; she’s been with John and Jason since they killed her family a few years ago. Lying about her age was the best thing they forced her to do. I can’t execute a mother for doing what one of her abusers said to and protecting her child.” Helen said.

I flinched. She didn’t have to spell the parallels out about John and Jason kidnapping and raping a teenage girl and getting her pregnant, controlling every part of her life. That comparison was loud and clear.

“I had the men killed earlier.” I said, “Locked them in the bunkhouse after I tortured the older one and killed him and let him feast on his brother awhile before I put them down.”

“Coop tell you the younger one kissed me?” She laughed.

“That’s why I let his brother kill him darling.” I said, “I don’t deserve you, doesn’t mean anyone else does.”

“What do we do about Jake” She asked, “This isn’t going to be his last move.”

“That’s why I tortured old John.” I told her, turning on my side, “It was hard torturing someone with my sons name so Jimbo did most of it, I just asked questions. Needed to know Jake’s play.”

She turned to me. “We’ll discuss next steps after you get some rest.” She said kissing my cheek. “I don’t have a choice but to love you Troy. I always will love you. I can’t stop; I’ve tried. I’m giving you this final chance to be the man I need you to be. If you fuck up, I promise you I have the strength to kill you.”

She then turned over and started to go to sleep. I sighed and closed my eyes too. “I love you Helen. Thank you for giving me this last chance.”

She didn’t say a word to me the rest of the night.

* * *

**The OTTO family**

Troy/Helen Otto

Caleb-10

Jacob- 9

Thomas -8

John- 7

Tessa-6

Cayla – 1

Hanna- 1

Nate/Mara Otto

Marley -7

Noah -6

Lara – 3  
  


Martin/Lauren Otto

**Extended Otto Family**

Jimmy/Gretchen Brown

James- 7

Mike- 5

Kathryn -3

Russell- 1

Jimmy is the grandson of Russell and Martha Brown, deceased in a fire, founding members of Broke Jaw.

Gretchen is the daughter of Vernon and Kathy Trimbol, deceased in part 3, founding members of Broke Jaw.

Coop/Charlene McCarthy

Cindy- 6

Cooper- 4

Cara- 3

Coop is the son of Phil McCarthy and an unnamed woman, deceased in part 3 (Phil), founding members of Broke Jaw

Charlene is the daughter of Joe and Pat Daley, sister to Joe (older) and Dax (younger) Daley

Blake/Macy Sarno

Megan Otto -8

Jade Otto -7

Mason Otto– 4

Jane- 3

Justin Otto - 1

Blake is the grandson of Russell and Martha Brown, deceased in a fire, founding members of Broke Jaw.

Joe and Ruth Daley

Patrick- 5

Joseph- 3

Joe is the son of Joe and Pat Daley, and older brother to Charlene McCarthy and Dax Daley.

Owen and Mary Brown

Elizabeth-4

Amelia- 2

Owen is the grandson of Russell and Martha Brown, deceased in a fire, founding members of Broke Jaw.


	13. please save me from this hell...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troy has a hard talk with his kids and Jake makes his move. Helen, as always, get hurt in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long! Things got busy the last few weeks and endings are the most difficult for me to write... I think there will be two more updates after this...probably a full chapter and a short epilogue.
> 
> the title for this chapter is from "I'm In Love With The Devil" by Avril Lavigne.

12: please save me from this hell…

**_troy otto pov…_ **

I’ve gotten her to forgive me before, but how would I this time? I really fucked up. What the hell was I thinking drinking? I didn’t know how I would react but I became worse than my Dad and Mom combined when truly drunk. What I did to the kids alone was unforgivable. And what I put Helen through was unthinkable.

I had to get her to forgive me.

In the two months since the anthrax attack she refused to touch me, she even moved herself and the twins into the guest room after that first night because she didn’t feel safe in bed with me. We ran the ranch and interacted with the kids okay, but I didn’t know how I could get her to forgive me if she wouldn’t let me talk to her about it.

Every time I tried she shut me down.

We ended up splitting the duties of running things. I took control of the militia and all their runs, construction projects, perimeter reinforcement, looking for threats (ie my ex-brother) and she also gave me control of the barns and the animals there because meat was becoming an issue she didn’t know how to solve. My wife took control of the gardens, the pantry, the kitchens, laundry, schooling, petty community disputes and marriage issues, she had also learned how to make things we were running low on. The afternoons at the schoolhouse were now full with women making soap, mending clothes, making butter (we hadn’t had that in years), tending to the garden they started to grow medicinal herbs, and crafting other tools and supplies before we ran out of them in the pantry.

I was really proud of Helen, she was in tune with what our people needed and she really rallied the community behind her. She was a true leader. I was baffled at all the things she was able to do nowadays. She could fill in for any job on the ranch. I hadn’t even taught her half the things she could do; she learned it all on her own. Even when I had her glued to my side.

I missed having her by my side.

Things had changed nowadays. Instead of spending the days playing our kids were learning and working. Not our twins, but the older ones. Caleb and Jacob were now out of school and spent their mornings learning the ins and outs of the barns (and would for three years before they spent three years before militia training learning mechanics of cars and our other machinery) and spent the afternoon’s training with me. Thomas, John and Tessa were still in school in the mornings and while I still had them for lessons every other afternoon, the days they weren’t with me they were learning from Helen and the other women how to supply the ranch with what we needed. Cayla and Hanna were now able to join me and their oldest brothers every afternoon and I taught them the basics I taught all my other children

Coop, Jimmy and I taught self defense for an hour each afternoon to the kids some days we would teach the 2-5 year olds and others we would teach the 6-10 year olds, but everyday I would take a group of my kids for training after the larger group.

Today while training the big kids, I noticed Jade had a black eye and I was pissed. What the hell was Blakey doing to my family? I know this morning he asked to drop by after I trained the kids but I didn’t think it was because he hurt my niece.

But I never thought Jakey would betray me either…

When I saw Blake approach and wave Jade over to us I tried to keep my cool and not kill him on the spot. Jade didn’t look afraid of him; she actually hugged him when she got over to us.

“Can you tell Uncle Troy what you told me about your eye last night?” Blake asked her.

Jade looked up at me crying. “Tommy yelled at me and punched me because I told him I think Jamie Brown is cuter and nicer than him.”

My son had done this to his own cousin? Who would treat the person he was supposed to marry like this?

_He’s copying you. You’re a jealous abusive asshole and he’s copying you…_

“Thank you for telling me Jade. I’ll have a talk with him.” I told her.

She smiled and wiped her tears. “Okay Uncle Troy. Thank you. Love you Daddy-Blake.” She said running away to play.

My brother’s kid calling another man Dad was a great reminder of what would happen to me if Helen got fed up with my behavior and killed me. She would marry someone else and my kids would call that guy dad.

No, not ever happening.

“She’s my responsibility Troy. And I know we’re supposed to let the things your kids do slide but I can’t let Tommy hurting my little girl go. This is bigger than sneaking off the ranch or stealing from the pantry and armory. If you don’t correct this behavior now it will get worse.” Blake explained.

_He’ll end up like you and I don’t want Jade going through what Helen has gone through…_ was what he meant.

I was proud of Blake for standing up for his child. Blake rarely stood up to me about anything, but I’m glad he did for this. I needed to correct Tommy’s behavior.

I couldn’t let this cycle continue for another generation.

“Thank you Blakey.” I told him, “I’ll have a talk with my boys.”

Blake gave me a little grin and walked away. I turned to my five older children who were practicing handling machetes a few feet away, oblivious of the conversation I just had.

“All of you in the truck.” I told them.

The set their weapons down and headed to the truck. Starting to bicker on who got shotgun and who got the back seat.

“Tessa in the front, boys in the back.” I said settling the argument. They groaned but listened to me and I was soon driving to our house.

How was I going to have this conversation with them? I didn’t really have a leg to stand on when I came to this topic but I didn’t want my kids to be like me. I wanted them to be better.

I settled them all on the couch and I sat on the floor across from them. I needed them to feel safe to talk to me so I sat on the other side of the coffee table away from them and they were above me in height. They still flinched sometimes when I touched them so I knew the memories of me being a drunk were still raw.

“Training is going to be different today.” I said with a sigh, “I’m going to tell you guys a story about how I grew up and what I saw, and talk to you about how it felt. After I’m done you can ask questions but no interruptions because Dad hasn’t even told Mommy this story.”

They nodded.

So I went into the facts first.

My parents were drunks. My Dad liked to slap and punch my mom and use me as a punching bag when she was passed out and how he never touched Jake. My mom used to tell me how useless I was, how she hated me, how annoying it was when I cried and sometimes she’d lock me in the basement (once for a week) without food and water.

My parents never told me they loved me. My father always taught me women were to willful and needed to be broken to stay loyal. He’d make me watch as he punished my mom some nights; as he raped her and beat her for infractions so small that it all eventually seemed normal. He nearly killed her the night he came home from a work trip and found I was locked up the whole time. After the way my mother treated me, everything my Dad said started to seem real: his views on the right sort of people and especially his views on women.

“I knew from living through it that when I had a family I would never want to raise my kids like my Dad raised me.” I told them, “I failed a few times with you kids of course…its been hard not to imitate what I experienced growing up when I’m angry or when I was drunk. When it comes to your mom…I only realized a few years ago that the way I treat your mom is totally wrong. I thought that since I wasn’t treating her like my Dad treated my mom I was better, because women need to be treated a certain way to act right. It's wrong. It's not a right way to treat anyone that you are protecting at all. Especially not your partner. I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted all these years towards her because I love her so much and every time I hurt her or any of you I am a failure as a man. I’m no better than my dad was.”

I sighed and took a breath, letting them take it all in.

“So you want us to be better than you were, be people that treat our people better.” Jay asked.

“Yes. I’m begging you not to be like me in this sense. Never pick up a bottle of alcohol and never ever harm someone that is under your protection, physically or emotionally.” I told them.

Tommy looked down. “Dad, I think I failed you.”

“I know what happened with Jade son. We’re going to apologize after our talk. But from this day forward be better than I am.” I begged him.

“I just got so angry and jealous and I remember how you said Otto’s sometimes have to solve problems with violence.” He explained.

Before I could respond Tessa punched Tommy in the stomach.

“TESSA! What did we just get done talking about?” I said.

“It was a stupid excuse.” She said, “I’m giving myself license to beat some sense into my brothers if they ever slip up and hurt someone they are supposed to protect.”

“No you’re not.” I groaned.

“Daddy, you didn’t have anyone to make sure you didn’t repeat your Daddy’s behavior wouldn’t it be easier if someone was making sure you weren’t hurting Mommy or us?”

“She only needs to police Jay, Tom and John…I’m to scared of her.” Cal said.

Tessa laughed. “Oh brother dear, I’ll have the closest eye on you...Daddy I’m going to help Mommy ok? This seems like a stupid boy conversation.” She said before skipping over to me and kissing my cheek before leaving the house.

I sighed. “So do you boys have any questions? Do you want to talk about better ways to handle anger? I don’t know many but I’m sure Uncle Coop and Uncle Jimmy have some ideas and I can ask them.

I was hit with a flurry of questions and spent the rest of the afternoon having a conversation with my sons. We talked things out: talked about the only situations violence was needed, talked about how we were feeling about all the recent events, how they felt when I hit them or hurt Helen, how sorry I was, how scared they were that they were going to be violent too… We were honest with each other and at times we cried but I think it was something that really needed to happen.

I wasn’t going to fix generational pain in a single afternoon, but it felt like a start.

* * *

Later that night I was laying in bed trying to sleep. Sleep didn’t come easy for me without Helen, but it always came eventually.

There was a knock on the door and Helen came in. “Troy?”

I shot up in bed. “Is everyone okay?”

Helen gave me a soft smile. “We’re fine. I just wanted to say thank you for talking to the boys. I know it couldn’t have been easy but I’m proud of you for sharing.”

I nodded. “I really don’t want them to end up like me, leading a life where they hurt the people they love most.”

“You still have time to change for us Troy. You don’t have to be that way.”

“I know Helly. I’m trying.”

She nodded and left.

Well, that was a start.

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

**_one month later…_ **

Not long after the twins and I moved back in the master bedroom with Troy did the scouting parties hear word of Jake from travelers down south. Troy had taken a few teams and went after him in revenge for the anthrax attack, leaving Coop and Jimmy behind to help me run things and for protection.

It screamed TRAP to both of us… especially since the Intel that Troy got out of the guys that did the anthrax attack said Jake was moving north looking for allies. Troy and I debated whether or not he should go but we ended up deciding that we had to chase down every lead.

When I woke up with a gun to my head I realized how right we were about the Intel being false, only the trap wasn’t for Troy…

“Where are Mace and my kids?” Jake said. “They aren’t in my old place and they aren’t at Blake’s”

“They moved into a bigger cabin after the anthrax attack.” I told him, reaching under my pillow to find my gun gone. “They needed more room and the family that had lived there was nearly wiped out by you.”

“Which one?” He asked as I checked to see if the spare gun under Troy’s pillow was there…gone. And my knives were on the dresser across the room. Fuck.

“What’s the plan Jake?” I said looking around the room and noticing three strange men with him. “You going to kill me?

“No. I’m here for my family and to raid our pantry and armory as payment for my friends help.” He said, “So I need your keys and for you to tell me where my family is.

“Sorry, Troy and I don’t carry the keys to the armory or pantry anymore…just in case. And as for your family...you know I would tell you if Macy still wanted you, but she and her kids hate you and are very happy.”

“She’s lying.” One of his friends said.

“No, she isn’t.” Jake sighed, “Grab the kids in the cribs, we’ll take them and her as hostages and Troy will have to give you the supplies you want and me my family.”

I began to scream but they all lunged into action. And soon my littlest ones and I were bound and gagged and we were gone.

They threw us in the back of the trucks and we sped away.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

**_two weeks later…_ **

I had spent the last two weeks on a wild fucking goose chase in fucking Mexico going after my shit of a brother. Nothing.

I killed the liar that told me he saw him, who eventually admitted Jake had told him to say they met in the south when he came across the militia but he really met Jake when he stayed with a group up north on their cattle ranch near what used to be Modesto. He was told that if he ever came across a militia near the border to tell them he saw Jake Otto down south.

As soon as the guy told me that I knew Jake had tailed him. My brother had watched and used this distraction to draw me away from the ranch to finally make his move…but what was his play? Could it be so simple as taking his family back?

As we approached the gates I didn’t like the feeling that the triple guards gave me. As soon as my men and I were through, Coop and Jimmy were there to brief me.

“Two nights after you left, the three guards at the main gate were killed and allowed to turn. Helen and the twins were taken. He left this behind.” Jimmy said.

_Brother,_

_If you want them back, I want my family and half of what’s in your pantry and armory. I’ll be back in two months for what’s mine._

_Jeremiah Otto Jr_

I crumpled the note and looked at my friends, I needed to focus on the facts, I needed to not spiral if I was going to get them back. “Sit rep?”

“Luckily, the Infected didn’t get to a live unarmed person. The rear guards heard the gunshots and called in a team to investigate. By the time that team came here the intruders were speeding away and all that they could do was put down the dead and wait for orders.” Coop said.

“We sent out scouts the next morning. Team followed their trail up north to a ranch, they staked it out and confirmed that’s where Jake is. Helen is tied up in the middle of their tent village, no sign on the girls. Team returned yesterday.” Jimmy finished.

I took a deep breath. “My older kids?”

“Been staying with the grandparents. Your house was compromised.” Coop said.

“What are this place’s defenses like?”

“Mostly elderly, women and children and about fifteen men, all crammed into a few large tents and a run down farmhouse. Tons of cattle and near a good water supply. Very exposed on all fronts. No fences. Most of their weapons are knives and machetes. Natey says he only spotted a few handguns.” Jimmy told me

“We’re taking it all.” I told them, “They’re all dead for this.”

They both nodded in agreement.

“Jimmy we’re taking three teams with the strongest stomachs, the only kids that will survive this are mine.” I growled, “Coop, were going to need a truck to transport cattle and a truck to transport any supplies they have. We leave in two hours.”

They both nodded and were off. I radioed Nate and Marty and made my way into my house.

When they arrived, Cal and Jay accompanied them. “Are you going to rescue Mom and the twins Dad?” Cal asked.

“Yes.” I said. “Marty I need you and Natey to protect this place while Coop, Jimmy and I are gone. We’re taking three teams with us. I still want triple patrols in case this is another trap.”

They nodded and I turned to my oldest boys. “How are you and the others?”

“Sad.” Cal said.

“Fucking mad.” Jay said.

I snorted. Yeah, that summarized it well. “Me too.” I said looking around Marty to find Tommy, Johnny and Tessie peeking their head in. “Hi kids.”

They all ran over to me and hugged me, Cal and Jay joined in.

“Kill him Daddy.” Tessa said, “Or he will keep coming back.”

I nodded. “I know baby.” I said kissing and hugging them all, “Daddy has to go get ready, and you all be good for grandma and grandpa.”

“Always.” Johnny grinned.

I started him down, “What did you do now?”

Marty laughed, “Don’t worry Troy. I have it handled. He just is acting out because he’s worried for Helen. He’s helping the sanitation team for the rest of the week.”

All the animal waste was used in the garden. The wastewater from showers was used to water the garden. The human waste went into the composting toilets, and each family emptied their waste into barrels as needed. The sanitation team emptied the public toilets, put grass seed into the barrels and when the barrels were full drove them off into the desert and emptied them. Over the last few years between the rainfalls, seeding and the fertilizer the area around the valley was starting to get a bit greener, and this provided more food for the cattle. The smell helped to keep the dead away. It was a gross job, so the men rotated through it. No kid wanted to help out with it. Johnny must have really worked Marty’s nerves.

I shook my head and kissed them all goodbye again. Before going to my room to change, clean my weapons, and pack some clothes for Helen and the girls

After that was done I went back to my truck to wait for the teams and supplies to be ready to go. It took everything in me not to run off on my own to rescue my family; I had to be smart about it if I wanted my wife and little girls to get out alive.

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

**_one week later…_ **

My brother-in-law was a fucking asshole.

Not only had he kidnapped me and my youngest children, and dragged us God-knows-where, but he then convinced the leaders of this community that I was to dangerous to keep in a tent or untied. He had my girls in his tent and had me tied up and chained in the middle of everyone’s tents, so I always had eyes on me. Every few days he’d come give me some water or a bite of food but otherwise I was kept here exposed to the elements.

I was dirty, I was sitting in my own filth, I was hungry, I was thirsty and depending on the time of day I was fucking hot or freezing cold. They hadn’t given me anything else to wear but the nightgown they took me in, and I was glad that they weren’t cleaning me on some level to keep the fucking rapists uninterested. I was groped and fucked by each of Jake’s friends on the way here multiple times, but they stayed away once we arrived, I wasn’t sure if it was my smell of they didn’t want their community to see their evil side.

I hoped Jake was treating my girls better, I hadn’t seen them since we were taken… They kept them in a separate truck on the way here and I only knew that they were alive because I could hear them crying for me from Jake’s tent. I was going to kill anyone who laid a finger on them.

I didn’t know how the fuck I was going to get out of this situation. I wasn’t able to move at all in my chains and even if I were able to escape I didn’t think I would be able to make home alive with my girls in the state I was in.

All the community members were at a bonfire tonight. They were celebrating something, having a big feast, dancing and singing.

I recognized that most of these people were just wanting to survive, they didn’t want to hurt anyone. They had enough to live off comfortably here for the rest of their lives. It was more sustainable than our ranch was on some levels. But a few of them got greedy with Jake’s promises of weapons and supplies, and a few wanted to hurt people and kill to get what they wanted.

If my husband ever found this place, they would all die gruesomely for the actions of a handful of men. And if he ever found out what they did to me…

I shuddered; I did not want to witness the carnage that would happen if Troy ever found out.

I missed my husband. If the last few weeks had taught me anything it was that he was a better devil to be around simply because he loved me. He wasn’t a good person, he never really had a chance at being one, but he regrets hurting me and the kids and he’s trying to be better.

I knew after the first of Jake’s friends raped me that I would never kill Troy, even if he did hurt me or the kids again, no matter how much I wanted to. I was to scared about what would happen to me if he wasn’t around. I thought I was strong, but without a weapon I was easily overpowered and my children and I were in danger. I needed my handsome devil to protect me from this world. I wouldn’t tell him of my change of heart though…

I’m willing to pay whatever price there was to being his wife… as long I I was alive and my children were safe I would put up with anything.

As if my thoughts summoned a rescue I heard it, the unmistakable sound of shitty metal music playing full blast and a fleet of trucks coming towards the ranch. I heard it because the farmhouse and tents were to the front of the ranch, everyone else was further away celebrating.

I knew this place didn't have a guard rotation, which was stupid if you kidnapped someone’s wife and children, but they didn’t see the need because they never had a problem with other groups or large numbers of Infected. I tried not to laugh at the situation because I knew these peoples last moments were going to be horrible but part of me couldn’t help it…maybe if they were more careful they wouldn’t end like this…

Boy, had I changed or what?

The trucks sped for the gathering of people and it wasn’t long before the machine guns started firing and the laughs turned to screams and cries. As that was happening Coop and Jimmy were running toward me.

“Where are the girls?” Coop asked as jimmy used a pair of bolt cutters to undo my chains and a knife to untie me.

“Jake’s tent.” I said pointing to the tent in question. “I haven’t seen them since we left the house.”

Coop picked me up and carried me towards the tent. Jimmy went in first and waved us in. When Coop brought me in I saw that Jimmy was untying and ungagging my babies. I noticed that they were scared, but they looked fed and like they had been bathed so I was grateful. They ran to me and cuddled me before I turned to my husband’s right hand men.

“We’re going to stand guard outside.” Coop told me, “Troy said we need to keep you and the girls safe until its all clear and he’s able to come get you.”

“Thank you.” I told them.

They nodded and left. I cuddled up with my weeping daughters and I listened to the distant screams and cries for help. I tried to muster up sympathy for the people outside but I couldn’t. No one had showed me any sympathy the past few weeks, no one had voiced a protest at my treatment…why should I care about the ways my husband and his men were getting revenge?

It didn’t take long for me to hear Troy’s voice on the radio. _“Ranch clear. Hunter’s team takes first watch. Everyone else set up camp and we’ll take what we need in the morning before rolling out. Where’s my wife and daughters?”_

_“They’re in a tent. Coop and I are standing guard.”_ Jimmy said

It took a few minutes for Troy to come rushing in the tent and gathered us into a hug. He was covered in blood and looked like he hadn’t slept in days… “I was so terrified for you.” He sighed.

“Thank you for saving us.” I said as the girls and I clung to him.

“Daddy, Mommy stinks.” Cayla said.

“Bad guys hurt Mommy.” Hanna told him. “She scream and cry.”

Troy turned to me; I couldn’t look him in the eye…I couldn’t tell him what happened. Not right now. “Well why don’t you two be good for your Uncles while Daddy and Mommy go clean up.

“Okay Daddy.” They said, letting go of us.

Troy helped me out of the tent and relayed his plan to Jimmy and Coop, who agreed to bunk with the girls tonight so I could tell Troy what happened and we could have alone time after we cleaned up.

Troy then carried me to his truck and we drove across the ranch. I saw burnt and mutilated bodies everywhere. I couldn’t even tell if the bodies were male and female some of them were so mutilated. It seemed that the only community members that were allowed quick painless deaths were the kids; each child corpse I saw had a single bullet hole through the head.

We made it to a small stream and Troy helped me out of the car and stripped us both before we went to the water. He helped me wash off the filth and I held tight and cried as he cleaned my privates off and felt the dried cum on me mixed in with the urine, blood and feces.

I looked him in the eye and he looked like he was in pain. “Sweetheart. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you before you were hurt.”

“Your brother let them. He watched. Said it was payment for their help until they could get the ransom.” I said clinging to him.

“Its okay baby. It wasn’t your fault. They’re gone. Troy has you.” He cooed as he continued to wash me off.

I clung to him throughout our bathing, he chuckled at washing the blood off while still holding onto me. It took a while but we were soon clean and he was carrying me to the shore.

He set me in the truck and toweled me dry before helping me change into clean clothes. He then dried himself off and changed before buckling me in and getting in the truck.

We ended up settling in for the night in the tent next to the girls, Coop and Jimmy. I clung to him once more, needing to feel the safety of his arms around me and his gun nearby.

Troy rubbed my back and hummed, the best he could do as far as singing lullabies. He showered me in sweet kisses on my crown and face, told me how brave and beautiful I was and assured me I was safe again.

For the first time in weeks I slept peacefully. For the first time in nearly a year I felt safe in my husbands arms.


	14. a kiss with a fist is better than none…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Broke Jaw Militia makes their way home, make some new friends and change for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, I kept trying to make this better, i'm like Helen deserves a more satisfying ending but I don't know if anything will be satisfying to me. I hope you like.
> 
> epilogue to follow. thank you for reading!

**13: a kiss with a fist is better than none…**

**_troy otto pov…_ **

As soon as Helen was asleep I called Jimmy and Coop in. They brought my daughters and settled them in with Helen and I before I spoke. “If any of the guys wants to have their way with the prisoner before his execution… tell them to go for it. He let his fucking friends rape my wife. He’s dead to me.”

We had planned to bring Jake back to Broke Jaw to be executed there but now I didn’t fucking care about the fucking plan, or giving him a quick painless death, his betrayal ran to deep. I never imagined he would hurt Helen or the kids. He would get his share of my rage for what happened to Helen, and my men would get justice for the anthrax attack and killing of three of our men a few weeks ago. I just wanted to skin the fuckers that hurt my woman alive, and unfortunately for me, the only ones left alive on this ranch were Jake and my people so I wouldn’t have my sweet revenge.

Jimmy nodded and left the tent to relay my message on the radio but Coop looked like he had something to say.

“What’s up Coop?”

“We did a count of the dead. Doesn’t match what Nate’s team had when they observed the camp…” He said. “Women and children line …but we’re short four men, Jake isn’t talking.”

“Are we sure Natey’s count was accurate?” I asked.

“Yeah, your little bro is a dumbass in a lot of situations but he had a great attention to detail.” Coop said.

“Excellent! That’s great news!” I said flashing a grin.

“It is?” Coop said confused.

“I’ll get to punish them for what was done to my wife when we catch them!” I said, feeling the excitement of torture returning, “You and Jimmy coordinate search teams, they are probably out on a supply run, our perimeter was to tight to slip through. I have my girls, but if you can spare a few guys to guard us that would be great too. I’ll need to sleep if I’m going to get revenge.” I said, feeling nearly giddy at the bloodshed to come.

“What if these aren’t the guys that hurt Helen?” Coop asked.

“They’re all guilty Cooper. I won't even ask Helen to confirm if these guys are _the guys_. If I would have known my brother was capable of letting this happen I would have tortured every man on this ranch for the crime.” I said looking to the goddess next to me, “I’ve done a lot of horrible things to Helen, I’m a shit husband. She didn’t deserve anything I put her through. And now my brother lets her get raped? This never would have happened if I killed Jake the first time he betrayed me. I’ll kill him and any other men that might have hurt Helen.”

Coop nodded. “You should know…Cayla and Hanna have bruised stomachs…it looks like they were kicked before they were tied up and gagged.”

My baby girls were hurt too? Hanna was now asleep between Helen and I and Cayla was laying on my chest, her blue eyes looking at me. “Who hurt you baby?” I asked

“Unca Jake.” She said, “Cried lots. I try save Han.”

I gave Coop a hard look and he nodded, understanding the silent order to make sure Jake suffered extra in his last hours on earth. “You’re safe now baby.” I told her, kissing her forehead and noting the bags under her eyes. She must have been keeping watch over her sister; my little Cay was fiercely protective of her twin. “Daddy will watch over you while you sleep, its okay to close your eyes.”

She sighed into my chest and closed her eyes.

* * *

**_helen otto pov…_ **

The morning after my rescue Troy and I ate breakfast with the girls and he helped me to get them bathed and into clean clothes; he then asked if I was willing to supervise a team as they collected and sort through the items in the tent village and farmhouse.

He planned on leaving nothing useful behind…no trace that there was ever a community here, wipe their existence from the earth completely for what they did. The bodies had been burned and all that was left was their things. Troy, Coop and Jimmy were handling the animals, barn and vehicles, the plan was to have the place cleared by dark so in the morning we could start traveling home.

So the girls played in the bed of Troy’s truck while I walked around ordering the guys on what items were of use and what we needed to burn. Troy gave orders that once the farm was clear, the men would spend the rest of the day taking the barn, fencing and house down board by board. So once the tents were gone, the house was empty, everything that we were taking was packed away and we had lunch I settled my girls in for a nap and as the guys started dismantling the farmhouse I went to find my husband.

I saw a team of guys had slaughtered and butchered some the cattle the ranch had and were using various methods to preserve the meat. I also saw that they had a livestock trailer from our place and two red, unfamiliar livestock trailers full and ready for transport. It looked like all the area was loaded up, they just had to preserve the meat and take down the barn. A few guys were making their way to the barn to begin the process.

I assumed that Troy was in the barn, as Coop was leading a few guys in sorting through farm tools and loading up a small trailer with the ones we were keeping and Jimmy was supervising the preservation of the beef. I started to make my way over to the barn when I saw Dan and Rick carry out a body and throw it on a pile a couple feet from the barn that had a few bodies on it. I quickly made that my destination when I saw that.

Four men. They were all naked, and the ones I saw had been relived of their genitals. They were missing a lot of their skin as well, but their faces were left unharmed so I could see who they used to be. I’ve seen two walking passed me a few times, but the other two were two of my kidnappers and rapists.

“How?” I said grabbing Dan and Rick, who had paused when they noticed me, looking guilty.

“These four were out on a run when we ambushed last night. Hunter’s team caught them when they came back, and Troy has been punishing them all morning…you weren’t supposed to see Boss Lady.” Dan said.

I let them go and nodded, making my way to the barn. I could feel myself shaking in fear. I could feel joy bubbling in my chest. The conflicting emotions warred in me. I wasn’t mad that these men were dead, I was happy, relived. Even the ones that didn’t hurt me, they were just as guilty in my eyes as Jake, or as any of the other residents that used to live here. They deserved my husband’s cruelty. But still, seeing them reminded me of what happened, and that made me want to break down and cry.

When I got in the barn I saw that Troy had left Jake alive. He was nude, hanging upside down, cut up, and bleeding a lot. Troy was to the side, helping some men starting to take apart the few stalls inside the barn before he noticed me.

“Baby, I didn’t want you to see this…I needed to get revenge for what pain he caused you and the girls….” Troy said making his way to me.

I saw the bruises on my daughters this morning. I was pissed. “When are you killing him…”

Troy pulled me into a hug. “I was thinking about letting him be for now…he’s been entertaining the guys, I was going to kill him in the morning before we leave…”

“No don’t…” I protested.

“Helen he deserves worse…”

“No. I don’t mean don’t kill him.” I said looking into my husbands beautiful eyes, “I think we should drag him home behind the truck. He’ll be gone way before we get home.”

My husband’s eyes sparkled and he kissed me passionately.

“So you approve of my idea?” I asked when I broke the kiss.

“Hell yes Helly. It’s perfect.” Troy said grinning.

“Do you boys need any help with the barn or the meat?” I asked, “We’re just working on getting the farmhouse down it’ll go quick.”

“No baby.” He said, “We’re good, half of Jimmy’s crew is making dinner after they finish up, and half is coming to help here. Hunter’s crew should be reliving your guys about now; Colt knows his team is on watch tonight. You can send them my way when the house is gone; this barn is massive and I don’t want to stay in this shithole another night. You should go rest and play with the girls.” He said looking to me worriedly.

“I won't break down now Troy.” I promised, “I should be able to keep it together until we’re home.”

“I’m not worried about that Helly.” He said looking to me like I was the most precious thing to him, “You’re entitled to react in anyway you want baby. You’ve been through a lot, you’re safe to process this in any way you need.”

I nodded. “I don’t feel safe here. I don’t think I will until I’m home.”

He kissed my crown and let go of me. “I understand sweetheart.”-

* * *

Travelling with two year olds was difficult. And a trip that would have taken at most a day before the world ended took forever when you had to use back roads and longer routes because of all the traffic jams on the highway.

Since we were taking the scenic route, we scavenged the places along the way. Gas and water was always something we grabbed and nowadays we always grabbed fabric, clothes and shoes. We were trying to learn how to fashion clothes, shoes, diapers and feminine products ourselves now because the items we’ve been passing around on the ranch were starting to unravel and stitching could only do so much (we had switched to washable pads and diapers but even those were in need of replacement).

Today, two days into the trip home, the guys were draining a gas station of its fuel. Troy had long ago figured out how to make gas pumps work without having to pay so we were fueling up our vehicles and the spare gas cans.

I was in the truck, looking after the girls as they napped. We had found toys and toddler blankets yesterday so were able to set up a cozy little space in the backseat. The rear window was covered with a pink curtain so they couldn’t look in the truck bed and see their uncle’s corpse lying with the supplies we were carrying.

I was about to close my eyes for a nap when I heard shouting. I didn’t have a radio with me so I drew the knife I barrowed from Troy (his spare) and kept my eyes peeled. If shit went down I would drive away with my girls.

I looked to my left and saw that there was a small group of people approaching on horses and a few men were running to meet them.

Fuck.

I was wary of people now, after all the shit other groups have put my people through and what this last group did to me my new philosophy was to just kill and move on. For once I was the violent one in the relationship, Troy has argued to me in the last few days that more men in the militia and women to run the ranch were needed if we wanted to defend our land from the bad groups. If new people were willing to follow our rules and could contribute, Troy was still willing to give them a chance.

After about thirty minutes the men broke up with the new people and went to their vehicles, and I saw Troy approaching our truck.

“We’re taking a slight detour tonight.” He said as he hopped into the truck.

“Why?” I said in a whisper to not wake my girls. “They probably will kill us.”

Troy looked to me; I saw the pity on his face. “Baby, I’m trying to do what’s best for our people. They may have skills we need. I’m hoping for at least allies for when communities of survivors start communicating. Maybe we can trade with them? If they are off, of course we’ll kill them and walk away. But I’m thinking long term. The anthrax attack really weakened us. The ones that survived the poison…they may never be as strong as they were. We may need them.”

I nodded. He wasn’t wrong. “So what do you know about them?”

He started the truck and followed Coop and Jimmy’s truck away from the gas station; I didn’t have to have a rearview to know the others were following us. “They live on an old campground that had a horse ranch next door. They primarily use horses and carts to travel because they ran out of gas years ago. Two couples lead the community. They say about ninety adults; all of the men and some women have military experience. They were all stationed at either the National Guard base or Navy base around the area and joined together at the campground. They’re having trouble with a reliable food source; the crops this year have all died. A fever went threw a few years ago and many children didn’t make it. They only have about ten children still alive. People are now starting to get sick because of lack of food.” Troy said as he drove.

The story pulled at my heartstrings, I couldn’t imagine not being able to feed children or them to die due to lack of medicine. I was terrified of that happening at Broke Jaw, which I why I was always checking the food reserves in case we had a bad harvest. “We have to help them.” I said. “If they’re good people we have to help them.”

“I know. I don’t even care anymore that they have all different ethnicities. But I am wary that one of the leading couples is two gay men. Do we want that shit in our community?” He said.

I sighed, he’s come so far, but he had so far to go. “The men that have hurt the ranch have mostly been straight white men. I say our record with people that your Dad thought were the _right sort_ is horrible. Race, gender and sexuality shouldn’t matter now Troy. We need kind people that want to build a thriving community with us and want to defend what’s ours. Nothing else should matter when it comes to survival.”

Troy sighed. “Okay I’ll allow the male-male couples, I don’t know how I feel about female-female couples…who is going to be the protector? But our kids? I’m keeping the arrangements I made. And I’m making it clear that women over sixteen need to be married to _someone_ that is capable of protecting them.”

I suppose I had to accept that as progress. “Sounds good."

* * *

We had been at the campground community for a day now. Troy had hit it off with the leader Chris Kelly. Chris was, in my view, a gay version of Troy. And although the group said the whole Kelly family led their community, Troy and I knew better. Chris’ family was his husband Duke, Duke’s son Daniel, Chris’ younger brother Ben, his sister in law Julie and their son Bradley.

Pretty quickly after we arrived Troy, Coop and Jimmy had started talks with Chris and Ben in Chris’ cabin. Duke and Julie and their kids showed me and the girls around.

Last night when we set up camp Troy told me that all five men had come to the agreement that the two communities would merge and move to Broke Jaw. We had a lot of things they needed immediately and they had some skill we would need in the future like making clothing and shoes, using horses as transportation, people who were trained doctors and mental health experts (their doctors just didn’t have the medicine they needed) and people who were more experienced builders than what we had on the ranch. Chris had conceded that his community needed ours more than we needed them so he was willing to give up complete control. Troy had offered the compromise that decisions would be made by Chris, Coop and Jimmy offering their opinion and Troy making the final decision regarding the militia; when it involved the whole community Ben and I would get to voice our opinions.

Troy told me that while everyone was packing up the next few days he and Chris would iron out more details while Coop, Jimmy, Ben and Duke supervised the packing up and dismantling of the buildings. The people were electing that their cabins be taken apart to be rebuilt at the ranch and we were taking down the few that were uninhabited too, the goal was to make this small campground look as uninhabited as the ranch we just left.

All their supplies would fit in their trucks if we helped them fuel up with what we got from the gas station. In addition to personal belongings, they had about a month left in military rations, all sorts of weaponry (Troy was impressed that such a small community was so well armed) a lot of camping supplies, cooking supplies and gardening tools, cots, beds and mattresses. We opted to use the horse-drawn carts to haul the wood for the buildings that we couldn’t fit into the semi we had that had the belongings from the ranch, what horses wouldn’t be pulling carts would be put in a horse trailer they had but never used and Chris opted to hook it up to his truck, he planned on rotating the horses pulling carts and in the trailer through the journey so we didn’t over tire them.

I sat with Julie as the organized chaos around us unfolded. It would take a few days for everyone to be ready to start the journey home and I was getting antsy. I tried to focus on my twins playing with the small group of kids that the campground had in the nearly dried up stream that used to be the camps water supply. Apparently the recent increased rainfall didn’t come soon enough to help them keep a fresh water supply; they had to depend on the water they scavenged in the beginning to get them by in the past few years.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying Helen…”Julie said, breaking our silence as she finished breastfeeding her son, “but you look haunted. I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

I turned to look at her, she had a kind face and kind eyes and part of me was screaming to let it all go and confide in her. But the part of me that has gotten used to the world as it is now said no one could be trusted.

From the introductions I knew Julie was fresh out of grad school and home visiting her ailing father on base when the infection started, he had been one of the first to go. Ben was a marine under her father’s command and was around Troy’s age, he was the one that got Julie away from her Infected father and they’ve been together ever since. Chris was in a guard unit that was called in when the infection started in other countries (days before it got bad here) and he and his unit opted to find their families and head for safety at a campground he knew of. He had called Ben and warned him what was happening, and Ben had told the guys around base, the few that didn’t blow him off followed him when he and Julie fled to the campground the day the dead started roaming around on base attacking people. Duke was a Navy doctor that was among the families that followed Ben. His wife died giving birth in the early days of the infection, long before he and Chris started their romance. The community had been doing well until these past few years, when people started getting sick and the docs couldn’t cure it, and then their bad harvest and subsequent rationing of their depleted rations didn’t help the situation. Julie and Ben’s daughter Kaitlin had died from her fever just before their son was born.

This woman had been through a pain so unimaginable to me, she didn’t need to hear my insignificant problems. Honestly, I’d go through what Troy put me through and what Jake and his friends put me through again if my children remained safe and healthy. I couldn’t survive losing one of my kids.

“I’m fine Julie.” I said as she kissed her son, who had to be a little older than one, and he toddled off to play with the other kids.

She signaled to her nephew to keep an eye on Bradley and then turned to me. “You know I got my degree in clinical psychology before all this shit happened? And the apocalypse has given me a ton of practice in people dealing with trauma. There are two other people here that were actually practicing as military psychiatrists and I’ve gotten pointers from them to help me help others. I imagine Broke Jaw has a ton of people with untreated mental ailments, and I think you may be one of the people who has at least some untreated trauma.”

I nodded at her, sort of ashamed that she could read me so easily. “That’s just life these days.”

“Of course.” She agreed. “But that doesn’t mean the bad shit needs to fester in your mind too, the events have already done their damage they don’t have to hurt you the rest of your life. The way I see it we’re trying to build a better world than the one where the Dead rule life, and maybe eventually better than the one than before the Dead came to be…in some ways at least. And we can’t do that if everyone living in the world is going around, being terrorized by their own brain.”

“So nightmares, fear of my husband…or any man, and unexplained panic aren’t something I have to deal with?” I asked.

“No.” She said firmly. “I don’t know Troy. But I know my brother in law. Chris is diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder, has been since he was eighteen; they only let him in the Guard because he blackmailed the recruiter. All the other branches rejected him. Not all sociopaths are bad; honestly in this world we need people that can do what is necessary with little remorse. And if we looked at all the people that survived the apocalypse I’m willing to bet that quite a few of them would be diagnosed with it. Its impossible to cure and they are useful, but I do want to help the people in their lives be happier in their relationships.”

“Have you been able to?” I asked.

“Not me. But my brothers in law have been working with someone and Duke is pretty over the moon for Chris.” She said, “They mostly worked with Doc Wen, she’s one of the psychiatrists and knows more…From what I’ve been able to learn its just a matter of learning how their brain works, and explaining your feelings to them, and why its bad. Setting boundaries and enforcing them is key too, because if you’re not consistent in enforcing your boundaries when they violate them, they have no problem to continue to violate them. I’m sure Troy has been learning the things that make you upset through the years and cataloged it, even avoided behaviors at times if your reaction inconveniences him, or maybe he has become so attached to you that you being upset enrages him so he tries to avoid it…but if you aren’t explicit with your needs, boundaries and the consequences of your boundaries being violated, well he will continue to do what he wants…”

I sat for a moment thinking about what she said before she interrupted and spoke again. “But before you and Troy can start working with Doc to better your relationship you need to work through your trauma. You need to be right in the head, and need to know what behaviors in him will trigger a panic reaction or nightmare in you.”

I nodded. All she was saying made sense. Maybe I needed to talk someone? I remember how freeing it had been those weeks I was able to vent all my problems to Andre. Maybe telling everything to Julie and her talking through it with me would help?

“Do you have someone to talk to?” I asked.

“I have Ben for the everyday annoyances, and for the big traumas I go to Doctor Wen. She goes to Doctor Fuentes and he comes to talk to me. Even therapists need a therapist.” She giggled a second before frowning a bit, “Losing Kait was the worst thing that has happened to me. I’m not going to lie and say I’m okay, because I’m not. But I don’t want you to worry about that Helen. That’s for me and Doc Wen to talk about in session. And maybe you and I if we decide we want to be friends when our sessions end…”

I sighed and nodded. “Can we talk about it now?”

“Of course. We have a few hours until dinner and lights out. Bradley will probably waddle over here for a nap on me soon but other than that I’m all yours. Are your little ones okay? They are the youngest over there besides Brad.”

I looked again at the children playing, noticing that besides Cayla, Hanna and Bradley, Chris’ son Daniel was the youngest. None of them would need a nap. “The twins aren’t fussy about where they sleep, Cayla will curl up wherever when she’s tired and Hanna will use Cayla as a pillow. I wish my other kids were as easy with naps as they are.”

Julie snorted. “That’s good. Then we can start whenever you’re ready.”

I took a deep breath and let it out. I could do this.

“It all started when on my fifteenth birthday. My racist ass mom found out about my Mexican boyfriend and flipped calling my dad and brother at the gun expo they were that day. Next thing I knew Nate was waxing poetic about a guy he met named Troy and how Troy and his family are survivalists and how that was so cool while Mom and Dad prepared us for our move to a place called Broke Jaw. When we moved there I noticed the leader’s son was always around and sometimes he would pop up and kinda creep me out. But I told myself I could survive that until I was eighteen and could leave. It all changed when my alcoholic father nearly beat me to death one night…”

I unloaded on her the whole story. Every beating, every fight, every rape, everything in-between, I told her the good, the bad and the ugly and she listened, sometimes asking for clarity on a few points, but she listen to everything.

It felt so good to be _heard_.

* * *

**_troy otto pov…_ **

In total I was gone from home almost two months; two weeks for the goose chase to Mexico, one week to travel to rescue Helen, two days that fucking _other ranch_ , two days to the campground, a week and a half at the campground, and nearly two weeks of slow travel (had to go at horse pace) with my wife and girls stealing my truck so Helen could chat with Ben’s wife leaving me stuck with Jimbo and Coop. Once we all pulled in and the gates were shut I sighed in relief and kissed my land. I wasn’t fucking leaving this place for a long time. I’ve had enough adventure and bloodshed for a while.

I laughed. It was nice to know that even I had a bloodshed limit.

When I looked up from reuniting with my land my entire extended family and the entire Kelly family was looking down at me grinning like I was crazy. I must have looked like an absolute lunatic.

“Glad to be home sweetheart?” Helen said with a giggle somehow hugging all of our children at once while laughing at me.

“Aren’t you?” I said back.

“So glad to be back.” She said, “I’m going to our house. Julie do you, Bradley and Daniel want to join while the guys sort everything out? I’ll introduce you to my mom and sisters and the boys can play with the little ones.”

Julie Kelly nodded and followed Helen, the women and children with the Kelly boys. I looked to Marty and Natey and sighed realizing it was time to get down to business. “Any trouble while we were gone?”

“Blue skies kid.” Marty said, “Who you got with you?”

“Friends. Met them after we took out the community that kidnapped Helly and the girls.” I said, “Coop, Jimmy see that they all get set up in the bunkhouses and some tents, take Chris. Joe, Blake you start scoping out sites where they can start building their homes in the morning. Owen, tell the kitchens that there's a hundred more for meals from now on. Natey and Marty you get with Ben and Duke and add their census and medical records to all of our records. I’ll start sorting out jobs and militia positions.”

They all introduced themselves and went to their tasks.

I sighed and went to start on my tasks. We had a lot of work to do.

* * *

Late that evening I collapsed in bed exhausted. It was going to take a lot more work to get the Kelly community settled in and get the Broke Jaw people accepting of all their differences but today was a start. Helen and Julie had ended up helping me with the job assignments for the Kelly people who weren’t joining the militia, and Julie had recommended some women who would be better suited on the militia than some of the men.

Decisions were simpler for me with the narrow worldview I was raised on, everything was so complicated now, it required more nuance and thought than I had needed before. Thank God I had Helen by my side still, I needed her now more than ever to help me run things.

“Troy, can we talk before you go to sleep?” She said exiting our bathroom, “It’s important and I don’t want to put it off any longer.”

“Sure thing baby.” I said sitting up, tapping the space beside me. “Is there something wrong?”

She sat down and took a deep breath, looking at me with fear. I didn’t like her looking like me like that; it must be big if she was afraid of my reaction. “Well, you know I’ve been talking to Julie a lot the past few weeks…its not because we are close friends. She’s taken me on as a client.”

Julie and Helen had told me earlier that the Kelly community had three people that were therapists and Julie was one of them. They said that the therapists would like to keep seeing members of their community and Broke Jaw members too. “Has she helped you cope with what Jeremiah’s friends did to you?”

“That’s the thing Troy. It’s not just about what they did. It’s about everything that has happened from my Dad’s abuse, to moving here, and our whole relationship too. I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life and no one has really taught me healthy ways of coping with it.”

“Our relationship is traumatic to you?” I said starting to get angry, “I’ve never done anything but love and protect you the best I know how.”

“Troy, I was fifteen when we met. A child. Still a child when you coerced me to marry you and have sex with you. Sixteen when you decided I would have your children. I’m still that child in many ways. Those men weren’t the only men to have raped me in my life; you’ve done it multiple times when you were angry or drunk. You’ve beaten me, used my children to keep me quiet, shackled me, and emotionally abused me. I know you have started to realize how badly you’ve treated me, I know you’ve apologized and you’re trying to be a better man for me. But my therapy isn’t about _you changing_ , it’s about _me healing_ so we can move forward together.”

It took a bit to process what she said. Restraining myself from shaking sense into her for her hurting my feelings, I really thought about what she was saying. It made sense. She had to heal from everything she’s been through just like I had to learn how not to be the man that hurt her. We both had to work on ourselves so we could be better as a couple.

“Okay.” I said taking her hand, “You work on yourself and let me know when you need something from me. I love you Helen. I want you to be healthy and happy.”

“And another thing, I think we both know that if you hurt me and the kids again I won’t be able to kill you. But that doesn’t mean you can Troy. What ever you do to us, I will make sure happens to you. I get that you are learning how not to react with violence, and I’m proud of how far you have come, but I’m not going to forgive you and move on anymore …I’m going to get even first.”

I smiled at her, pride filling me. I had started to get the feeling that she didn’t have the will to kill me since her rescue but I didn’t want to ask her about it. But I was proud that she still was focused on keeping my behavior in check, I needed consequences if it happened again so I learned to stop my knee jerk reactions. Helen would stand up to me, but she wouldn’t kill me. I appreciated the eye for an eye mentality, and it was easier to understand.

“Deal, baby.” I smiled, leaning in for a kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too Troy.” She said, after breaking our kiss. “I love you so much."

* * *

**_two years later…_ ** ****

A ton of changes had happened the past few years: my wife’s nightmares and panic attacks had recently started to go away and she had convinced me to go into couples therapy; Chris and I, although we clashed on a lot of things, were becoming great friends (it was nice to have someone else around who wasn’t afraid to tell me the truth); when the Kelly group erected their cabins they quickly started to help others build permanent housing and did projects for a large covered dining hall, a larger community pavilion, larger schoolhouse and expanding the public showers and toilets; we also had to move the back fence to accommodate our horse barn and expanded cattle farm; some women were now on militia teams; and I was convinced to move the age a woman had to marry to twenty and allow for same sex couples.

The place was completely changed and it was good to see everyone so happy and healthy. The two communities had blended well and we were thriving; long past were the growing pains and arguments of the first few months the folks from the campground arrived. We were one community now.

At first it was hard accepting all the changes, and I fought back on a few. Couples therapy wasn’t something I was a fan of but Helen made it clear that she needed us to go and Chris said that he and Duke went and it wasn’t a complete waste. Helen brought the therapists in with their opinions on how the young age of marriage had affected the women on the ranch and a few women had testified that forced marriage was traumatic and although they wouldn’t chose to leave their husbands now their first few years were still haunting their nightmares. It was easy to agree after that. Chris had changed my mind on the race and gays after a few fistfights started by Broke Jaw natives (including me) saying a few slurs around him and his people. He was right, so was Helen, the prejudiced views we lived our lives on all these years didn’t matter when it came to our community thriving. It took a while to convince Broke Jaw natives that we were all one people now and the only ones we needed to be wary of were the outsiders.

Our marriage was better now that we were in couple’s therapy with Doc Wen, I feel like Helen and I were able to communicate with each other better and understand one another. She was smiling a ton now and looked at me with a look of pure joy and love always. It was amazing the transformation in my angel. She wasn’t scared, or angry or vengeful. She glowed from within, didn’t seemed burdened by the things I put her through, or any other traumas. She had forgiven me, I knew she didn’t forget but she wasn’t holding over my head. As long as I respected her boundaries she was happy with me, and if she was happy I was happy.

Our kids were doing amazing. I couldn’t believe our sons were teens and preteens now and that Tessa was right behind them. The twins thankfully would still be little girls for a while. They were all growing up so quick, coming into their own, figuring out their place in it all… it was unbelievable and I was so proud of them.

I was broken out of my thoughts by someone jumping on my back. “Heya handsome.” Helen giggled.

My beautiful wife was initiating contact more and more these days, and sometimes was downright playful. “Hey beautiful? I thought you were running things at the school?”

The school and the daycare were now separate buildings with a large tent nearby where people manufactured items we needed to supply the pantry, this week they were working on clothes and soap. Helen still ran her side of things from the porch of the daycare, and helped out with kids and crafting when needed. It sucked not having her by my side all day, but she told me she needed some time that was just hers. I didn’t really understand it, but the time away made her happier to see me when we were together. And I was on board with her being happy.

“I took off early. I hoped we could get a quickie in before I have to get ready for the party tonight?” She giggled.

I raised my eyebrows at her boldness, and my friends wolf-whistled at the comment. Chris and I were going over the militia patrols for the next few days and finalizing a schedule for the bonfire tonight so everyone would get a chance to celebrate the two year anniversary of our combined community. Ben, Jimmy, Coop, Blake, Joe and Owen were sitting with us around the table in the dining pavilion helping us out like they usually did, but now they were snickering. Natey was pretending to throw up at Helen’s comment from his seat next to Chris.

“I’m going to help Dad with the fire pit set up.” He said standing up and scowling at us.

“Have fun brother.” Helen and I chorused.

The guys snickered more. “Coop, Jimmy can you take over training this afternoon with the kids?” I asked.

“It's not going to take that long Troy.” Jimmy laughed. “The lady said quickie.”

“Come on sweetheart, I promise to have us done by lunch.” Helen whispered in my ear before hopping off my back and running towards our house.

I quickly chased after her, leaving the cackling assholes that were my friends in the dust.

Looking ahead I saw Helen’s skirt flying up and saw the cheeky woman wasn’t wearing underwear…

I quickly caught up to her and flung her over my shoulder, my arm making sure her skirt didn’t fly up again. I slapped her ass with my free hand. “That’s for giving all the guys a show.”

She moaned.

_Oh fuck_.

We were _definitely_ missing lunch.

* * *

**_helen otto pov_ **

I skipped towards the kitchens were now a large permanent structure next to the dining pavilion. Whistling while I entered, I waved to the ladies washing up the mess from lunch.

“Where the hell have you been?” Mara screeched when she saw me, “We have so much to do before tonight!”

“Leave her alone Mar!” Macy laughed, “She was getting some!” My friends and family that were cooking for the feast tonight all joined in a chorus of Ooos.

Gretchen came up to me and sniffed. “She didn’t even bother to shower before coming here. She smells of sex.” She laughed at me pinching my side “I’m jealous. Helly got a nooner.”

Before I could slap her for the comment she danced away and went to help Mary and Ruth with the desserts they were making while laughing at me.

“Sex is great now.” I said blushing, “Now that we’re communicating better and he knows what triggers me and what I like…”

“Now that you have an actually healthy relationship?” Charlene tsked, “Imagine that. I’m glad though. Coop has had to stop me from coming up to the big house and killing Troy many times over the years for how he was acting.”

I made my way to Char, and kissed her cheek before helping her prep side dishes. I became closer to the women in the extended family since my return from the kidnapping, my therapy with Julie making me realize that I had shut out people that would have been good friends to lean on. I really only got personal with Mom, Macy and Mara before, but I realized that Charlene, Gretchen, Ruth, Mary and women outside the extended family were willing to be there for me too. The last few years had been about opening myself up to new friendships and discovering who I was, growing up really.

“I’m safe now.” I reassured her. “And happy.”

“Good.” She said. “I’m glad Helly.”

“Are we sure we have enough reserves to have a big feast and party?” Mom said entering the kitchen.

“I’m positive Lauren.” Macy said, “Everyone ran the numbers, and doubled checked. And just in case breakfast and dinner to day were light. We will be set for five years if we have a bad harvest.”

Mom laughed. “I’m sorry I know that’s the twelfth time I asked.”

“…In the last hour…” Mara stage whispered.

“Hush you.” Mom laughed, “We haven’t had a feast or a party since the world ended. I’m in disbelief.”

“Signing…dancing…games…food…fun… we all deserve it.” Ruth said as she iced a cake. “We built something that will last and we should celebrate it.”

“Ruthie? Are you okay? You just said two whole sentences at once!” Mary said feeling her younger half-sisters forehead.

Ruth pushed her sister away. “Shudup. You all yap enough I can never get a word in edgewise.”

We all objected loudly to her comment and she raised her eyebrow at us in response.

We all laughed and returned to our work chatting and teasing one another, after the food was about done more women arrived to help cook or set up outside.

Within a few hours the community pavilion, dining hall and the area surrounding were decorated and transformed. Ruth and Mary were lighting the bonfire, Charlene and Gretchen were setting up some lawn games with other women, Macy and Mara were setting up musical instruments in the community pavilion, and Mom and I were putting finishing touches on the buffet table.

It wasn’t long before people started arriving. Soon laughter and music filled the area. I spotted my kids and husband playing a game of horseshoes; Troy had a smile on his face that lit up the sky as far as I was concerned. He looked so happy and content. I fell in love with him all over again every time he smiled like that.

“Go join them baby. I’ll finish up here.” Mom said, kissing my cheek. “Have fun.”

“You too Mom.” I said, turning away.

She grabbed my arm before I could leave. “Helen?”

“Yep?”

“I just want you to know. I know I’ve hurt you a lot, and I’m really sorry.”

“I know Mom. I forgive you.”

“And I need you to know I’m really proud of you!”

I smiled at her and hugged her tightly. “Thank you Mommy. I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now go, have fun!”

I laughed and ran to my husband and children.

* * *

**The OTTO family**

Troy/Helen Otto

Caleb-14

Jacob- 13

Thomas -12

John- 11

Tessa-10

Cayla – 5

Hanna- 5

Nate/Mara Otto

Marley -11

Noah -10

Lara – 7  
  


Martin/Lauren Otto

**Extended Otto Family**

Jimmy/Gretchen Brown

James- 11

Michael- 9

Kathryn -7

Russell- 5

Coop/Charlene McCarthy

Cindy- 10

Cooper- 8

Cara- 7

Blake/Macy Sarno

Megan Otto-12

Jade Otto -11

Mason Otto– 8

Jane- 7

Justin Otto- 5

Joe and Ruth Daley

Patrick- 9

Joseph- 7

Owen and Mary Brown

Elizabeth-8

Amelia- 6


	15. epilogue...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> approximately twelve years later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 13 posted the same day, read before epilogue!
> 
> Thank you again for reading this story!

epilogue

**_tessa otto pov…_ **

It was a long trip but it was a good one. My team and I were sent east on a diplomatic mission trying to map out which communities were friendly and which were in need of elimination.

Apparently communities outside of Southern California were focused on communication and helping each other, when the ones that we had been running into during my lifetime had mostly turned out to be focused on taking what we had, as opposed to sharing.

Well, with the exception of the Kelly community… that was a good call.

I smiled as grass started appearing in the middle of the desert, soon turning into lush farmland the closer we got. It wasn’t long before we saw all the buildings beyond the main gate.

I chuckled remembering when I was little that tents, outhouses and RVs used to make up most of our community. Now everything was permanent, the RVs we long ago stripped for useful parts and parked along the rear border as the new fence when the ranch had to expand the borders to accommodate livestock, and the new buildings.

Cal grabbed my hand after we made it to the gate and were waiting for the guards to open up. “Dad and Mom are going to be so pissed that we didn’t come home the minute we found out you were pregnant.”

I shrugged looking at the sleeping child in my arms. “They’ll get over it. It was to important.”

“Our first child is super important Tess.” He laughed as he steered the horses pulling the cart in the gates and towards the barn, our men in other carts following behind.

I shrugged again. “Maybe they’ll be so happy to see us that they won’t be to upset?”

“Its like you don’t know our parents.”

“I’m just hoping I guess.” I said kissing my daughter.

We were silent as the team and Cal unloaded the supplies. When Cal dismissed them he gathered our pack of personal belongings and helped me down out of the cart. Our daughter slept through it all.

“She sleeps as soundly as you.” He laughed kissing her forehead and then my own. “Let’s get you girls home.”

“ _If you two even THINK about going to your cabin before coming to see your father and I swear you will regret it.”_ Mom’s voice said through Cal’s radio. I was surprised she found the correct frequency; she must have run into one of our guys.

“ _Ask them about the baby they’re carrying Ma.”_ Said Johnny’s laughing voice, great Mom broadcasted the correct signal on the main frequency so our siblings could harass us too.

“ _John how many times do I have to say that you use the binoculars to look at our perimeter when in the watchtower?”_ Jay’s voice said.

“ _I stationed him in the backyard today Jay.”_ Tommy said, “ _There isn’t much action to miss and he was dicking around to much at the main gate.”_

_“Shut up Tommy, you may be my team leader but I can still kick your ass off duty.”_

_“Shut up dipshits. I want to hear more about this secret baby big bro and sis have.”_ Cayla said, joining in.

“ _I would too. I know that my son wouldn’t let my pregnant daughter travel out in the unknown so I hope they’ve adopted.”_ Dad growled.

“ _Daddy, have you met Tessie? Cal didn’t have a chance of changing her mind if she had it made up already.”_ Hanna laughed.

“ _Why in the hell do Cay and Han have radios!”_ I shot back, annoyed, “ _I wasn’t allowed my own until I was eighteen!_ ”

“ _We’re sharing idiot. Don’t change the subject._ ” Cayla fired back.

“ _Her name is Lauren. After Grandma.”_ Caleb told them, “ _She’s about six months old, and my darling wife only noticed she was knocked up a month in our journey, she didn’t want to turn back. We’re on our way up to your house Mom and Dad_.”

“ _Good.”_ Dad growled. “ _We’ll meet you there.”_


End file.
